Monday, November 23, 2015


I don't know where to start, or if this will be even be posted. I recently went to the doctor. There had been a mixup or shall I say I was given bad information regarding my insurance and I thought that I had none.

The miscarriage left my body a wreck. Often when dealing with miscarriages, those that do speak of it only speak of the emotional wreckage it leaves behind. Rarely do we speak of the physical problems that woman is left with after miscarriage.

I have learned in my six miscarriages that early miscarriage is mostly about emotional fallout. A miscarriage at a later time often leaves a woman's body in the same kind of wreckage that it leaves her emotionally. 

I know I've spoken about miscarriage a great amount in my blog, that being said that's what a large portion of my life in the last year has been about.

I have been dealing with either being pregnant or dealing with a miscarriage. The time I spent pregnant is far less than the time I've spent dealing with the miscarriage issue.

The one I had last year I was pregnant for eight weeks and three days. I struggled with depression afterwards. Finally after a couple of months, I started to come out of the fog. Coming out of it took a lot longer than a couple of months but I finally did come out of it.

We discussed having a fourth child but had decided that it was not what we wanted. That was not the plan was for us though.

This miscarriage I was pregnant for 14 weeks and 4 days. Oddly I've had to think about that. I didn't remember exact day exactly how everything happened on that day. It was a fog of pain.

I haven't spoken much about how it happened or how I felt. Not even with the other person that affected the most my husband.

I thought that if I didn't speak of it that I wouldn't get depressed. I was wrong. I don't think that any woman can go through what I went through with this not come out on the other side with some sort of depression. I thought that if I fought it, that it wouldn't happen and that was sincerely unrealistic of me.

If you think that any woman can go through miscarriage and come out on the other side not depressed or not feeling sad.  Then you are wrong.

I have thought a lot about how I'm feeling in the last few days. How I'm feeling is fairly complicated. I'm tired of my body not functioning right anymore. I guess I simply don't understand why these things happen. 

I know that God has a greater plan then anything then I can imagine. I do also know that sometimes pain is part of the plan so you can appreciate the moments of joy.
I do have moments of joy when I look at my three beautiful daughters, that will never change. God has blessed me greatly in my children and my husband.

The thing that I must remember the most, is that God has a plan. That I must trust him. I must remember that he loves me.

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