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Monday, November 23, 2015

Why?

I don't know where to start, or if this will be even be posted. I recently went to the doctor. There had been a mixup or shall I say I was given bad information regarding my insurance and I thought that I had none.

The miscarriage left my body a wreck. Often when dealing with miscarriages, those that do speak of it only speak of the emotional wreckage it leaves behind. Rarely do we speak of the physical problems that woman is left with after miscarriage.

I have learned in my six miscarriages that early miscarriage is mostly about emotional fallout. A miscarriage at a later time often leaves a woman's body in the same kind of wreckage that it leaves her emotionally. 

I know I've spoken about miscarriage a great amount in my blog, that being said that's what a large portion of my life in the last year has been about.

I have been dealing with either being pregnant or dealing with a miscarriage. The time I spent pregnant is far less than the time I've spent dealing with the miscarriage issue.

The one I had last year I was pregnant for eight weeks and three days. I struggled with depression afterwards. Finally after a couple of months, I started to come out of the fog. Coming out of it took a lot longer than a couple of months but I finally did come out of it.

We discussed having a fourth child but had decided that it was not what we wanted. That was not the plan was for us though.

This miscarriage I was pregnant for 14 weeks and 4 days. Oddly I've had to think about that. I didn't remember exact day exactly how everything happened on that day. It was a fog of pain.

I haven't spoken much about how it happened or how I felt. Not even with the other person that affected the most my husband.

I thought that if I didn't speak of it that I wouldn't get depressed. I was wrong. I don't think that any woman can go through what I went through with this not come out on the other side with some sort of depression. I thought that if I fought it, that it wouldn't happen and that was sincerely unrealistic of me.

If you think that any woman can go through miscarriage and come out on the other side not depressed or not feeling sad.  Then you are wrong.

I have thought a lot about how I'm feeling in the last few days. How I'm feeling is fairly complicated. I'm tired of my body not functioning right anymore. I guess I simply don't understand why these things happen. 

I know that God has a greater plan then anything then I can imagine. I do also know that sometimes pain is part of the plan so you can appreciate the moments of joy.
I do have moments of joy when I look at my three beautiful daughters, that will never change. God has blessed me greatly in my children and my husband.

The thing that I must remember the most, is that God has a plan. That I must trust him. I must remember that he loves me.


Sunday, November 15, 2015

So Many Things...

I ... That is what my sentence was to start with.. I... It was to begin about how I am feeling ... There is so much more than that.. The word I doesn't really hold it, express it or examine it. Yes, it is about me. However, it affects far more than just me.. It affects first and foremost my immediate family, my extended family, my friends, my acquaintances and then out from that millions..

Millions,,, you may ask.. How can one blog post from a simple wife and mother in Texas affect millions. Well my blog post won't. What it is about, now that is different.

Miscarriage...   That affects millions.

There are tons of magazine articles, books, blog posts, internet articles and discussions about this subject. Yet, it is not talked about it. Not by the people that matter. Those near the women and men it happens to. Yes, it affects men too.

I had a late miscarriage in September. Everyone else has moved on. It doesn't signify to them anymore. It is over. It is done. It is past. for them. It is for everyone but me and my husband. I can't barely look at it mentally or emotionally. It hurts in a place that is almost impossible to touch.

What do I do. I focus on my children, on my husband, on my faith, on my house, on my friends. I focus on anything that can keep me from focusing on that. Yet, even if I don't focus on it, it still exists. It still changed me.

It still brought depression, and heartache. It brought change and a different path. I have read article after article on miscarriage, on how it happens, on how to to deal with it. I have read articles on everything regarding it.  Reading those articles, helps for a brief moment. It is the briefest of moments. Almost unnoticeable, so quickly does the pain cease and return.

I am here to tell you. There is but two things that help. One I have not done enough and the other I don't have enough as of yet.

One. turning to God in time of pain and hurt. I have not done that as much as I should have and perhaps I would not feel this. But, then sometimes pain is what you must feel for the next step in your life or for you to affect change or someone else. I will be doing this more.

Two, Time must pass. It happened in September. A late miscarriage. It is unrealistic to think I would be okay in such a short time for this.

If you know a woman who has experienced this. Remember this, just because it is over for you... Ask if it is over for her. It may never be. It may simply be, she needs to know someone realizes it is not over for her...

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