Monday, October 19, 2015

Trigger Post: Miscarriage

Where do I start. That is just a simple statement we know has so much meaning. Where do I start? The question has so much more meaning. Where do I start is usually said when you are overwhelmed and just don't know where to begin. It can be something as simple as a messy house or a huge pile of laundry or as complex as explaining the scientific answer to some problem to someone who is no a scientist. 

My where do I start falls in between the two.  Life has been hard lately. I did not post about it mostly from a very real fear that came true. 

In the beginning of August we found we were expecting. We found out a couple of weeks later that our thoughts we were further along were correct. Everything seemed fine. All the normal pregnancy symptoms. 

Then in early September we got our first ultrasound. I had never felt concern before an ultrasound before but I did this time. God was warning me. 

The baby had stopped growing and had died. We hoped we were wrong about the dates. That the missing heartbeat was a fluke. We held on to hope against hope for over a week. 

Hope for naught. The baby had stopped growing and had died. I miscarriages. My body you see had not realized this fact and had continued to grow a placenta.  

It tore my body up to miscarriage that placenta. It was definitely more painful than any other miscarriage I had had.

I finally stopped bleeding. However Everytime I did much standing or walking I would cramp and bleed again. This is not good as you can hemorrhage and have to go to the hospital. 

It happened twice. But that next morning on the second time. I passed the baby. We named him Pheonix and buried him.  (I cannot tell you why he feels like a boy) 

I have not really dealt with this. I have tried to move on.  I have to continue to function. I cannot let depression get me. I have been physically ill with one thing or another and have come to realize I must share this for there are many women who suffer in silence when this happens. 

This is not something anyone should do alone and in silence. Just because the actuality of the miscarriage has passed does not mean the pain of it has. 

If you haven't tell a woman you know that you care even if you don't understand how she feels. It will matter to her than you care she lost a child. For make no mistake the minute she knew was pregnant there was a child to her. 

I know God is there for me. I just have to remember to turn to him in my time of pain.