I have not posted in a long time. Depression is one of those things. It is all consuming.. After the initial pain of the miscarriage, where it hurt to even think about it.. There came the low throbbing pain that was constant. Then after that, life moved on but slower and more painful.
I was depressed. It was like living your life in fog. I struggled with everything. I had been happy with three children, and not expected a fourth. Then I got pregnant, I accepted and was happy that I would be the mother of four children.
Then I miscarried. I did not understand the why, and probably never will. We weren't trying, I was content with three beautiful little girls. Why did I even get pregnant just to lose it. That I will never know.
We have let things be, thinking we might get pregnant again. But it has been 6 months now. It has not occurred. Now I must consider other things.
Like the fact that I am 41, and the risks of pregnancy after 40. Oh I know it can be done and a lot of women do it. However, for me I think I don't want to. I have three girls I adore and I am again content with . They are my life and I feel at this time that the best thing for all of us is to move on and not to have any more children.
Many may disagree, but this is my life not yours. This is my choice. A choice that I am finally okay with, it is the right choice for this family I believe.
Thank your for traveling the journey of the pain of miscarriage with me. I hope that this blog may serve as a help for other women caught in the spiral of pain that is caused by it. I know there are worse things but if you have never experienced miscarriage you don't get a vote on how this feels to a woman.