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Monday, November 23, 2015

Why?

I don't know where to start, or if this will be even be posted. I recently went to the doctor. There had been a mixup or shall I say I was given bad information regarding my insurance and I thought that I had none.

The miscarriage left my body a wreck. Often when dealing with miscarriages, those that do speak of it only speak of the emotional wreckage it leaves behind. Rarely do we speak of the physical problems that woman is left with after miscarriage.

I have learned in my six miscarriages that early miscarriage is mostly about emotional fallout. A miscarriage at a later time often leaves a woman's body in the same kind of wreckage that it leaves her emotionally. 

I know I've spoken about miscarriage a great amount in my blog, that being said that's what a large portion of my life in the last year has been about.

I have been dealing with either being pregnant or dealing with a miscarriage. The time I spent pregnant is far less than the time I've spent dealing with the miscarriage issue.

The one I had last year I was pregnant for eight weeks and three days. I struggled with depression afterwards. Finally after a couple of months, I started to come out of the fog. Coming out of it took a lot longer than a couple of months but I finally did come out of it.

We discussed having a fourth child but had decided that it was not what we wanted. That was not the plan was for us though.

This miscarriage I was pregnant for 14 weeks and 4 days. Oddly I've had to think about that. I didn't remember exact day exactly how everything happened on that day. It was a fog of pain.

I haven't spoken much about how it happened or how I felt. Not even with the other person that affected the most my husband.

I thought that if I didn't speak of it that I wouldn't get depressed. I was wrong. I don't think that any woman can go through what I went through with this not come out on the other side with some sort of depression. I thought that if I fought it, that it wouldn't happen and that was sincerely unrealistic of me.

If you think that any woman can go through miscarriage and come out on the other side not depressed or not feeling sad.  Then you are wrong.

I have thought a lot about how I'm feeling in the last few days. How I'm feeling is fairly complicated. I'm tired of my body not functioning right anymore. I guess I simply don't understand why these things happen. 

I know that God has a greater plan then anything then I can imagine. I do also know that sometimes pain is part of the plan so you can appreciate the moments of joy.
I do have moments of joy when I look at my three beautiful daughters, that will never change. God has blessed me greatly in my children and my husband.

The thing that I must remember the most, is that God has a plan. That I must trust him. I must remember that he loves me.


Sunday, November 15, 2015

So Many Things...

I ... That is what my sentence was to start with.. I... It was to begin about how I am feeling ... There is so much more than that.. The word I doesn't really hold it, express it or examine it. Yes, it is about me. However, it affects far more than just me.. It affects first and foremost my immediate family, my extended family, my friends, my acquaintances and then out from that millions..

Millions,,, you may ask.. How can one blog post from a simple wife and mother in Texas affect millions. Well my blog post won't. What it is about, now that is different.

Miscarriage...   That affects millions.

There are tons of magazine articles, books, blog posts, internet articles and discussions about this subject. Yet, it is not talked about it. Not by the people that matter. Those near the women and men it happens to. Yes, it affects men too.

I had a late miscarriage in September. Everyone else has moved on. It doesn't signify to them anymore. It is over. It is done. It is past. for them. It is for everyone but me and my husband. I can't barely look at it mentally or emotionally. It hurts in a place that is almost impossible to touch.

What do I do. I focus on my children, on my husband, on my faith, on my house, on my friends. I focus on anything that can keep me from focusing on that. Yet, even if I don't focus on it, it still exists. It still changed me.

It still brought depression, and heartache. It brought change and a different path. I have read article after article on miscarriage, on how it happens, on how to to deal with it. I have read articles on everything regarding it.  Reading those articles, helps for a brief moment. It is the briefest of moments. Almost unnoticeable, so quickly does the pain cease and return.

I am here to tell you. There is but two things that help. One I have not done enough and the other I don't have enough as of yet.

One. turning to God in time of pain and hurt. I have not done that as much as I should have and perhaps I would not feel this. But, then sometimes pain is what you must feel for the next step in your life or for you to affect change or someone else. I will be doing this more.

Two, Time must pass. It happened in September. A late miscarriage. It is unrealistic to think I would be okay in such a short time for this.

If you know a woman who has experienced this. Remember this, just because it is over for you... Ask if it is over for her. It may never be. It may simply be, she needs to know someone realizes it is not over for her...

Monday, October 19, 2015

Trigger Post: Miscarriage

Where do I start. That is just a simple statement we know has so much meaning. Where do I start? The question has so much more meaning. Where do I start is usually said when you are overwhelmed and just don't know where to begin. It can be something as simple as a messy house or a huge pile of laundry or as complex as explaining the scientific answer to some problem to someone who is no a scientist. 

My where do I start falls in between the two.  Life has been hard lately. I did not post about it mostly from a very real fear that came true. 

In the beginning of August we found we were expecting. We found out a couple of weeks later that our thoughts we were further along were correct. Everything seemed fine. All the normal pregnancy symptoms. 

Then in early September we got our first ultrasound. I had never felt concern before an ultrasound before but I did this time. God was warning me. 

The baby had stopped growing and had died. We hoped we were wrong about the dates. That the missing heartbeat was a fluke. We held on to hope against hope for over a week. 

Hope for naught. The baby had stopped growing and had died. I miscarriages. My body you see had not realized this fact and had continued to grow a placenta.  

It tore my body up to miscarriage that placenta. It was definitely more painful than any other miscarriage I had had.

I finally stopped bleeding. However Everytime I did much standing or walking I would cramp and bleed again. This is not good as you can hemorrhage and have to go to the hospital. 

It happened twice. But that next morning on the second time. I passed the baby. We named him Pheonix and buried him.  (I cannot tell you why he feels like a boy) 

I have not really dealt with this. I have tried to move on.  I have to continue to function. I cannot let depression get me. I have been physically ill with one thing or another and have come to realize I must share this for there are many women who suffer in silence when this happens. 

This is not something anyone should do alone and in silence. Just because the actuality of the miscarriage has passed does not mean the pain of it has. 

If you haven't tell a woman you know that you care even if you don't understand how she feels. It will matter to her than you care she lost a child. For make no mistake the minute she knew was pregnant there was a child to her. 

I know God is there for me. I just have to remember to turn to him in my time of pain. 




Monday, September 28, 2015

9/28

You know those moments where you just can't seem to get it right in the things that matter. That life is just a mean kid kicking you every chance he gets. I feel that was. Well not really. I am not mad at God but definitely feel attacked but number one bad guy. He sees where I am hurting and weakest and nails me there.  

Life lately has been no bed of roses, more of a flower but not your favorite flower. That perhaps is just indicative of my ability to still see positives as there are many in this mess.  

Thursday, April 23, 2015

As if ...

As if life was not interesting enough lately for us, it got more interesting. Hubby had found a different job, he was making less money and not in chemistry but a job is a job ... right... He worked there for 5 weeks when he was simply told "We don't need you anymore" No other reason.

Was he fired? Was he simply let go because someone else came to work?  We don't know..

Here is what we do know... He doesn't have a job anymore. Our family is without income once more. That it seems chemistry and the job market is not a friendly place to be located. It would seems he has to change his career and that entails more school.

Another thing we do know.. It is something that has to occur for the good of our family. Here is another tidbit we know. We aren't looking forward to it.

School for this wife is not a friendly place for her husband it seems. I never get to see him, between the studying and the classes and now he will have to work too. When will we (all of us) see him.

If he gets accepted into the program he applied at... We will see him hardly at for the next 2 years.

Oh joy, something to look forward too. But maybe just maybe after 2 years we won't struggle so hard for the next dime to come into our household.

Any maybe just maybe my husband will feel secure in his provision of his family.

Here is what we are doing right now..

Standing on Faith! Walking with God and trusting him to take care of us and of course DH is looking for work and applying to school ..

If you pray, please pray for us.

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Uncertainty

In a world so fraught with uncertainty, there only two things in this world you can count on. It is hard to be strong all the time in this life, in fact if you try you will fail and fail horribly. The harder you try to be strong alone, the weaker you are. You can only ever be truly strong when you give it all to God.

And that my friends is first and most important lesson I have learned that I can on in this world. God. I can count on him to be there every time. Even in a moment, in hours, weeks, months and yes even years where it seems he is not. He is there. He has a plan so much greater than anything we can come up with in for our lives.

Those moments that seem failure and fear seem to be winning, they are not. They are merely something that God will use for something greater. Do we always know what the greater is, of course not. Sometimes we never even find out what that greater is. Does that mean it does not exist, of course not. God is bigger, so much bigger than we cannot even begin to fathom how much bigger than us.

You can always count on him, you can always turn to him. That is the first and most important thing to know in this life. God. He is above all and foremost the most important thing in our life.

I know that many aren't believers and that is your choice. But for me, this my choice and I do not have to defend it, I only have to believe it which I do.

The other thing which I have learned you may count in this world of uncertainty, is just that. Everything is changeable. Anything can change in the blink of an eye. What you knew to be true yesterday may not in fact be true today. What is true today, may not be true tomorrow. It all can change in the blink of eye, faster even.

What can we do to prepare ourselves for unpreparedness. You can think you prepare, you can try to prepare but you never fully prepare yourself for your life. It comes. It just is. You can make choices for what is in front of you, but that does not mean what you choose to happen will happen. The things you most count on and prepare may never come to be.

The most important thing you to do to combat this is go with the flow. Be positive in any light. Turn the bad into something good. It can be done. I have done many times over. It is not easy of course but it the only way to get through this life without being an Eeyore.

In a life filled with uncertainly, God can give you the certainty of him.

I pray that each of you, has the life you are meant to have and that we all get the most out of it.  


Sunday, March 8, 2015

Be the Blessing

There are moments in life that tell you about others. Moments that tell how good people can be or how bad people can be. We have had both those moments in a short amount of time. Life can become very interesting very fast, and that my friends is when the baby and the bathwater begin to count.

Many of you know that my wonderful husband lost his job a couple of weeks ago due to a fire. He was given one week of pay and then let go. He has been looking for a job since, pretty much every single day.

That moment was us gasping for breath! What was going to happen to us. How was this going to play out. How... How was this going to work.. How was that going to get paid.. How... How...

and immediately followed by the ultimate why... why why why.. We can ask that question a thousand time and never know the answer. I am choosing to believe that all this is a blessing in disguise. That does not mean that I am struggling to keep my head above water emotionally, or that I am not worried about the finances. I can choose to believe and still struggle...

So the moment when we saw the bad was how this situation was going to be handled. Quite frankly, badly and without care of the what was going to happen to the employees.  It showed how much one person with power can do. They can make a crappy situation better or make it worse.

And the moment of good.. When the people that care about you rally around, both in prayer and in tangible ways to make it less scary. Those are the people that make me want to be one of them. I want to be them someday.

I want to thank each of those! We are truly blessed to have you in our lives.

Each situation shows how the good or bad can show through, but the lesson I guess to make sure you always choose to be the good and not the bad..

I choose again to believe that this is a blessing in disguise.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

The darkest...

I feel like I have mush inside me right now. Everything is upside down once again. I know there is a plan. 

There is always a plan. God does not always tell me he plan though and that is the hard part. I have not gone to him with this as I should have. 

I would feel an whole lot less like mush if I had. I was talking to a friend today about depression getting ahold of you and not letting go. She pointed out that it starts as depression but it is despair that really gets you. 

The enemy takes a fear and plays it up and makes it worse. That fear leads you to depression which leads you away from God and then that depression falls into despair leads you into a dark place where God is not. 

However. Let's not forget that God can shine a bright light into the darkest place. I am asking him to shine a light for me now and I know he will. 

Amen 

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Crazy... You can't make this up.

You know that place your brain goes when something happens. That crazy oh my gosh why did this happen place. Well if you know that place then you know exactly how I feel right now. 

This moment I feel blinding panic of what is going to happen. I do also happen to be feeling a calmness that is at odds with my freak-out side. 

Why, you make ask?  Well the answer is simple. Our one income family may have just lost that income through no fault of our own. 

My husbands work burned to the ground tonight. At least that is the information that we have currently. There was a small fire than turned into a raging can't put it out fire, we are just waiting for the roof to collapse fire. 

I absolutely believe that God uses all things. That said I am still feeling fearful of the immediate future.  Oh I absolutely know my amazing man will find a job as quick as he can. I am just worried about the immediate future. 

The immediate needs like this next paycheck was for rent. How does that get paid, etc. 

I just feel overwhelmed I think right now. It is not as bad as it could have been. I mean really he could have been in the building. The serious blessing is that no one was hurt. 

There are several people out of work as of 10pm on the 22nd.  They and their families need prayer. 

Thanks. 

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Life...

Life I noticed just seems to go on despite happiness, sadness, excitement, or bereavement. It just goes on. Day by day. It doesn't matter what your previous was, the next happens. And , so on and so forth. Some days you think you won't survive, and I think for some people some weeks, months and even years you think you won't make it through.

There are moments you feel like a complete and utter failure as a person, as a wife as mother. There are days even where you fail at these. But again, life goes on. You move forward from being a failure. The  only hope there is from that moment, is that you learned a little something or maybe a big something. 

So will life be good or bad. I think it varies for everyone. Some have long years of wonderful and some have long years of awful. Some people have a mixture, so have neither. Life just is. Be it good or bad. 

So for me, I guess what I will try to do is this:

Be the best I can be
Forgive myself and others for failures
Love God

Saturday, January 3, 2015

Time Heals.. I guess..

I have not posted in a long time. Depression is one of those things. It is all consuming.. After the initial pain of the miscarriage, where it hurt to even think about it.. There came the low throbbing pain that was constant. Then after that, life moved on but slower and more painful.

I was depressed. It was like living your life in fog. I struggled with everything. I had been happy with three children, and not expected a fourth. Then I got pregnant, I accepted and was happy that I would be the mother of four children.

Then I miscarried. I did not understand the why, and probably never will. We weren't trying, I was content with three beautiful little girls. Why did I even get pregnant just to lose it. That I will never know.

We have let things be, thinking we might get pregnant again. But it has been 6 months now. It has not occurred. Now I must consider other things.

Like the fact that I am 41, and the risks of pregnancy after 40. Oh I know it can be done and a lot of women do it. However, for me I think I don't want to. I have three girls I adore and I am again content with . They are my life and I feel at this time that the best thing for all of us is to move on and not to have any more children.

Many may disagree, but this is my life not yours. This is my choice. A choice that I am finally okay with, it is the right choice for this family I believe.

Thank your for traveling the journey of the pain of miscarriage with me. I hope that this blog may serve as a help for other women caught in the spiral of pain that is caused by it. I know there are worse things but if you have never experienced miscarriage you don't get a vote on how this feels to a woman.


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