I realized something new. That losing our baby has sent me into a depression. I am fighting against it. I am trying to force it back. I don't want to be in a depression. I don't want to feel the pit of anger, angst and sadness. It is normal I know but I don't like it.
and anyone reading this.. it is normal depression I am writing about not the kind that sadly Mr. Williams had. It saddens me that he struggled and lost a battle with an illness that is treatable, but often not because bi-polar after taking meds for a bit think they are better, when it is the meds that are making them better. It is a sad circle, which often has an even sadder ending such as Robin Williams.
My sadness is just normal depression. It is caused by an outcome I did not want. An outcome I was terrified of to be honest with everyone. It hurts. I was so happy. I know that some thought 4 children was too much. Honestly, though this is my life not theirs. I love being a mom, and having another child-finding out I was pregnant just made me happy. Genuinely deeply happy.
Seeing the loss in blood, was heartbreaking and still is. I know that God has a plan and maybe this is not even for me. I can only hope what I feel, what I write helps someone else. I know I am lucky in many ways, I understand that I have many blessings. People say oh you have 3 healthy children. I know I do, it does not however take the pain away from losing a child I had not yet met, but already loved with all my heart.
I know that child is with God. I understand that God's plan for my life is greater than my own. I cannot say that sometimes his plan is not painful because this is.
I will say to those that are reading this. If you are depressed, get help. It is available. Talk to someone, tell them what you are feeling, immediately. If you are Christian, turn to God. Read your bible, but that all said.. If you are depressed, God created doctors for a reason. Seek help.
Suicide Prevention Hotline 800-273-8255