Today I felt almost normal. I went about my life. I prepped for school. I cleaned house. I worked my Jamberry. I knitted. I posted on facebook. I did all the normal things. I folded clothes. I put them away. I pondered doing my fingernails. I fed the kids breakfast, lunch and dinner. I checked my calendar. I discussed things with my husband. I went about my life.
And. I felt almost normal again.
But I was not normal. A post about a woman who is 8 weeks, one who is 10. Another post about morning sickness. Yet another about a birth to come in March. All caused my heart to ache for a few minutes. I put clothes away, and seeing those that fit again that did not a couple of weeks ago. Seeing that pair of shorts that are maternity that I bought because I thought why buy shorts that are regular when I won't be able to wear them long. Yes, those things caused my heart to ache for a few minutes too.
I named the baby. I had been told by many that grieve, to name the baby. It would heap the healing process. My husband and I both felt that the baby was a girl. So, I named her. She is in my heart forever. She has a name as all the others should. She existed just as all the others did. Her loss hurt, just as all the others.
I remember quietly naming and never discussing even with my husband my first lost baby. I felt a boy. So .. in my heart and mind he had a name. I guess Mommy's know. I think God gives you the knowledge to help your heart. I don't know...
To those that have lost, that still have pain from it. Perhaps my story will help you. I hope it does. I hold you tight in my heart as well. I know how this feels and I ache for those women that feel this way. I ache even more for those that silently suffer with this, not sharing with anyone. I think that makes it even harder. As hard as it is to share my innermost feelings in this difficult place; I feel I should even if it helps just one woman not feel alone.
God is with me. I know this. He holds me tight. He is here with me in this moment. He may have allowed this to happen to me but I am sure for a greater reason than I can understand. He will use it for his glory. That I believe.