My thoughts bounce around inside my head so frantically.. One minute calm and okay. Happy to see my lovely wonderful girls playing, learning, just being themselves. The next minute enveloped in a sadness that my children see and do not understand.
How do you cope with such sadness? Obviously you do. I know what I am going through is less than what some go through. I also know that it does not make my sadness any less valid. I also know that there are other women out there that need to read that.
Miscarriage hurts. It hurts bad. It is a sadness that cannot be explained to someone that has not experienced it. It is like a well, that swallows you whole for a little while. Then you float to the surface. You move on, but you remember the feeling of being in the well. Each day that passes, it will hurt a little less, I suppose. I hope.
Will we try again? Many have asked... If you have ever experienced this you know that question as well. I don't know the answer right now. It sparks fear in me. Can I handle this pain again if we try again, and this happens again? I logically know that you handle what you are given. My head understands that completely and throughly. My heart does not comprehend at all.
I have been immersed in this, my body going through the actual physical process keeps this at the forefront of my mind, and for the moment I feel only surface pain. But it is a moment to moment thing, the next moment may be unbearable.
I wondered last night about the word pain, it says so much and so little at the same time. It describes with one simple four letter word everything from physical pain such as simple paper cut to horrible emotional pain of loss of every level. Is that word enough. Sometimes yes, it describes exactly what you feel.
But sometimes, it is not enough. And for me, this is one of those times. It is not enough. There are no words enough for this. I admit to one and all, I don't want to feel this way any longer. I don't want to feel loss and hurt. I don't want to feel pain. I want it to not have happened at all. I want to put my head in the sand like an ostrich and pretend it all is not real.
But that is not my reality. My current reality is painful and hurt mixed with the wonderful joy of my husband and children.
But I guess that is life. I know in my heart that God has a bigger plan for my life than I have. So I have to stand on trust. To trust that he knows better than me. I know he does.
Thanks for listening.