Friday, August 22, 2014


I have felt better the last few days. We had a scare with my mom and her desire to go to her dialysis treatments and that pushes all the other pain back. I was terrified she really would not go back. They ( the doctors office) said she would not live much more than 2 weeks if that. We might get lucky and get a month. It was horrifying to hear those words, it was even more horrifying to tell my mom and her not care. 

Just. Horrifying. 

My sister was able to get her to listen. I am glad. It was awful thinking she could die in 2 weeks. I know her health is not good but to get a number of finality like that. It is an awful pit of horror, really that is the only word for it. 

I still hurt, I have begun to hope again though. I am not sure exactly what I want, but I know I am afraid of another miscarriage. I love my babies all of them. People say it's not a baby until such and such time. Excuse my language but bullshit! As soon as a woman knows (most women) they don't see an embryo growing, well they see that too but they see a birth, bright eyes, a first smile, imagine first sibling meeting. They don't see an embryo, at least I did not. I saw a baby, our baby. I imagined a name, a look, a smile, a laugh, a walk. I saw my child grow. 

When it did not. It hurt. It still hurts. 

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