Tonight is a lonely night, much like many others with the kids in bed and my husband at work. I am awake, alone. It is only at night that I get those moments of aloneness. These are the moments I seek. I can't wait to see that moment of quiet, of alone.
It is a two sided blade though. I seek these moments. I desire these moments. But alone, I feel lonely. Lonely is not what I want to be. I want a quiet, alone moment with my husband. I want his arms and strength to be wrapped around me. I want to lean into him and know he will take care of me. He always does.
As the days pass, the miscarriage hurts a little less. I did cry today but it was because someone posted something in a place I thought was just for close family and it was about a baby. It came as a shock, because it was so unexpected and it hurt. BAD.
I guess I thought that because I have been open about this miscarriage that people were reading, but clearly some have not or this would not have occurred. I will be honest and tell you that part of me wanted to lash out and say something ugly. That is not my way though, I did not. I just locked down the place that she posted and I will go back and delete the comments that were made that were so hurtful.
My thoughts on this. If you are going to jump in and be cute. Make sure what you think is cute, is actually cute. Make sure you know the situation you are jumping into before you throw your 'cute' additions in. I guess it taught me a lesson to pay attention to people a little more, and not be so involved in my own world.
To that end, I will be paying attention more. I will try to be helpful when I can. Quiet when I can't . Just a quiet quick note of caring. I am aware, I cannot help or add anything but I am here. Quietly, praying in your corner.
I admit to one and all, that this miscarriage hurts more than the other 4 did. I don't know why. I have been unable to pinpoint the reason and I feel like if I could I could heal. The reality is I may never be able to pinpoint the reason, and I will still heal. It will just take time. And it could be one reason, it could be a thousand. At the end of the day, does it matter.?No, it does not. What does matter is what I learned from this, what I taught my kids. Whether I turned to God or away in this.
I did turn to God and I hope anyone who is going through a difficult time does the same. He is always there and there is peace to be found with him and in the pages of the Bible. I am seeking his peace tonight.
Today hurt, but it was a good day except for that one moment. I guess this is a healing process that comes in moments. Enjoy the good ones and accept the bad ones.