Thursday, August 7, 2014

Anger is a funny thing....

Yesterday was not a bad day. I felt nearly normal. It did not seem to hurt when I looked down at my already back to normal tummy. Yea, 8 weeks and I was showing already. My clothes no longer fit, it was exciting and fun and frustrating and annoying.

What I would not give to have those problems today. Now I look down at my flat tummy and feel an ache for the baby that was there just a few days ago. A pain for what was going to be in March, and what will not be...

It hurts.

Simple surfing facebook hurts a tinge as well. Pictures and words that a few days ago held excitement and hope now bear only witness to my hurt and the painful ache in my heart. It is hard to see those that I knew were pregnant with me go forward, but at the same time feel happiness for them because I want no one to ache like this.

The thing I am struggling with today is anger. Anger is a funny thing, you don't know it is there until it bursts forth in disguise over something else. Then, you realize your anger had nothing to do with what you were angry about and everything to do with the hurt, the pain, the ache, the broken hope, and the waves of sadness that flow over you daily.

How do you beat that back? I don't personally know. I can only pray and try my best to overcome it. That I can be bigger, and stronger than the anger and hurt that is overwhelming me.

I want to feel better. I want the hurt to go  away. And.. in some moments I think it has. My body is healing. I just wish my heart and mind would as well..

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