Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Almost Normal...

Today was not a bad day. It is the first day I have not felt swallowed up by the pain. I felt almost normal today. I felt like it was time to return to my normally scheduled life. It is not easy. I still don't feel that great. I don't actually feel like doing anything.

However, it is time to be there for everyone else. My kids understand that God took the baby. My oldest is slightly saddened by this. She touched my tummy today and said in a sad little voice, there is no baby in there anymore. I said no sweetie. She looked at me and patted me. I felt like crying anew. I was strong for her though. 

God has a plan, I have to believe that. I have decided that to be open, sharing this process with everyone might someday help someone. I know that miscarriage is one of those things. It happens often, but in the dark. No one talks about how it felt. How it tears your body up as well as your mind and your heart.

People slip it under the carpet, like its a dirty thing. Pretend it does not happen. They will pat you on the head, say the right thing and you are supposed to be okay. Miscarriage is loss. Period. Your heart gets invested in that child the minute you know there is a child. Your body grows the baby, nurtures the baby. You change your lifestyle, how you eat, what you do, everything for that child. 

And then one sad day. That child is gone. No more. 

It seems a flash, but it is not a flash. It is a lot of physical pain. And that physical pain keeps the emotional pain washing over you again and again. You are unable to escape. It is there, staring you in the face. You see it in the mirror when you try to make yourself presentable, you feel it as you lean down to put on your shoes. 

It is everywhere. 

Finally as the physical begins fade, your mind and heart finally begin their healing process. You begin to try rationalize what happened. Everything happens for a reason. What I am going through will help someone else. That is my rationale. I can only hope. 

I will feel raw and empty for a while I am sure. I can only pray that God will intervene and ease my spirit and heart. That he will give me the peace I seek from this. 

Today. I feel okay. This moment I feel okay. But.. it still hurts deep. It still feels like a wound freshly bandaged, and the wrong move will tear it open again. 

but.. with God's help and the help and support of those that care about me, those that have gone through this.. I will make it through too...

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