Friday, August 22, 2014


I have felt better the last few days. We had a scare with my mom and her desire to go to her dialysis treatments and that pushes all the other pain back. I was terrified she really would not go back. They ( the doctors office) said she would not live much more than 2 weeks if that. We might get lucky and get a month. It was horrifying to hear those words, it was even more horrifying to tell my mom and her not care. 

Just. Horrifying. 

My sister was able to get her to listen. I am glad. It was awful thinking she could die in 2 weeks. I know her health is not good but to get a number of finality like that. It is an awful pit of horror, really that is the only word for it. 

I still hurt, I have begun to hope again though. I am not sure exactly what I want, but I know I am afraid of another miscarriage. I love my babies all of them. People say it's not a baby until such and such time. Excuse my language but bullshit! As soon as a woman knows (most women) they don't see an embryo growing, well they see that too but they see a birth, bright eyes, a first smile, imagine first sibling meeting. They don't see an embryo, at least I did not. I saw a baby, our baby. I imagined a name, a look, a smile, a laugh, a walk. I saw my child grow. 

When it did not. It hurt. It still hurts. 

Friday, August 15, 2014

Normal.. Almost..

Today I felt almost normal. I went about my life. I prepped for school. I cleaned house. I worked my Jamberry. I knitted. I posted on facebook. I did all the normal things. I folded clothes. I put them away. I pondered doing my fingernails. I fed the kids breakfast, lunch and dinner. I checked my calendar. I discussed things with my husband. I went about my life.

And. I felt almost normal again.

But I was not normal. A post about a woman who is 8 weeks, one who is 10. Another post about morning sickness. Yet another about a birth to come in March. All caused my heart to ache for a few minutes. I put clothes away, and seeing those that fit again that did not a couple of weeks ago. Seeing that pair of shorts that are maternity that I bought because I thought why buy shorts that are regular when I won't be able to wear them long. Yes, those things caused my heart to ache for a few minutes too.

I named the baby. I had been told by many that grieve, to name the baby. It would heap the healing process. My husband and I both felt that the baby was a girl. So, I named her. She is in my heart forever. She has a name as all the others should. She existed just as all the others did. Her loss hurt, just as all the others.

I remember quietly naming and never discussing even with my husband my first lost baby. I felt a boy. So .. in my heart and mind he had a name. I guess Mommy's know. I think God gives you the knowledge to help your heart. I don't know...

To those that have lost, that still have pain from it. Perhaps my story will help you. I hope it does. I hold you tight in my heart as well. I know how this feels and I ache for those women that feel this way. I ache even more for those that silently suffer with this, not sharing with anyone. I think that makes it even harder. As hard as it is to share my innermost feelings in this difficult place; I feel I should even if it helps just one woman not feel alone.

God is with me. I know this. He holds me tight. He is here with me in this moment. He may have allowed this to happen to me but I am sure for a greater reason than I can understand. He will use it for his glory. That I believe.

God Bless.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Don't be cute.. Be aware!

Tonight is a lonely night, much like many others with the kids in bed and my husband at work. I am awake, alone. It is only at night that I get those moments of aloneness. These are the moments I seek. I can't wait to see that moment of quiet, of alone.

It is a two sided blade though. I seek these moments. I desire these moments. But alone, I feel lonely. Lonely is not what I want to be. I want a quiet, alone moment with my husband. I want his arms and strength to be wrapped around me. I want to lean into him and know he will take care of me. He always does.

As the days pass, the miscarriage hurts a little less. I did cry today but it was because someone posted something in a place I thought was just for close family and it was about a baby. It came as a shock, because it was so unexpected and it hurt. BAD.

I guess I thought that because I have been open about this miscarriage that people were reading, but clearly some have not or this would not have occurred. I will be honest and tell you that part of me wanted to lash out and say something ugly. That is not my way though, I did not. I just locked down the place that she posted and I will go back and delete the comments that were made that were so hurtful.

My thoughts on this. If you are going to jump in and be cute. Make sure what you think is cute, is actually cute. Make sure you know the situation you are jumping into before you throw your 'cute' additions in. I guess it taught me a lesson to pay attention to people a little more, and not be so involved in my own world.

To that end, I will be paying attention more. I will try to be helpful when I can. Quiet when I can't . Just a quiet quick note of caring. I am aware, I cannot help or add anything but I am here. Quietly, praying in your corner.

I admit to one and all, that this miscarriage hurts more than the other 4 did. I don't know why. I have been unable to pinpoint the reason and I feel like if I could I could heal. The reality is I may never be able to pinpoint the reason, and I will still heal. It will just take time. And it could be one reason, it could be a thousand. At the end of the day, does it matter.?No, it does not. What does matter is what I learned from this, what I taught my kids. Whether I turned to God or away in this.

I did turn to God and I hope anyone who is going through a difficult time does the same. He is always there and there is peace to be found with him and in the pages of the Bible. I am seeking his peace tonight.

Today hurt, but it was a good day except for that one moment. I guess this is a healing process that comes in moments. Enjoy the good ones and accept the bad ones.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014


I realized something new. That losing our baby has sent me into a depression. I am fighting against it. I am trying to force it back. I don't want to be in a depression. I don't want to feel the pit of anger, angst and sadness. It is normal I know but I don't like it.

and anyone reading this.. it is normal depression I am writing about not the kind that sadly Mr. Williams had. It saddens me that he struggled and lost a battle with an illness that is treatable, but often not because bi-polar after taking meds for a bit think they are better, when it is the meds that are making them better. It is a sad circle, which often has an even sadder ending such as Robin Williams.

My sadness is just normal depression. It is caused by an outcome I did not want. An outcome I was terrified of to be honest with everyone. It hurts. I was so happy. I know that some thought 4 children was too much. Honestly, though this is my life not theirs. I love being a mom, and having another child-finding out I was pregnant just made me happy. Genuinely deeply happy.

Seeing the loss in blood, was heartbreaking and still is. I know that God has a plan and maybe this is not even for me. I can only hope what I feel, what I write helps someone else. I know I am lucky in many ways, I understand that I have many blessings. People say oh you have 3 healthy children. I know I do, it does not however take the pain away from losing a child I had not yet met, but already loved with all my heart.

I know that child is with God. I understand that God's plan for my life is greater than my own. I cannot say that sometimes his plan is not painful because this is.

I will say to those that are reading this. If you are depressed, get help. It is available. Talk to someone, tell them what you are feeling, immediately. If you are Christian, turn to God. Read your bible, but that all said.. If you are depressed, God created doctors for a reason. Seek help.

Suicide Prevention Hotline 800-273-8255

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Sadness...buried deep.

The sadness has apparently seeped into my soul. I now can say I cry in my sleep. My thoughts on this; are that the heartbreak of this miscarriage was deep. It was immeasurable.  It is painful. It is not addressed during the day most days as I am trying to be normal for myself and my children.

However, when something is buried deep. it still exists and must surface somehow or it will become a permanent scarring. I do not want that. I want to heal from this. I want to move on and it not make me cry or my eyes well with tears at the mere thought of our miscarriage.

Today, we were at our small group and a question was asked. What area in your life do you need the gospel. My answer was trusting in Gods plan no matter how it hurts when things don't turn out the way you expect them too. I should have elaborated but I couldn't. I was already just at those simple words nearly sobbing. 

I want to be able to talk about it without it feeling like my soul is shattering at the mere mention of it. This will take time I know. But I don't want to hurt anymore. 

May God surround me with his mercy and peace during this grieving time for me. 

Saturday, August 9, 2014

Quiet of the Night

Today was better. The hurt was not so unrelenting. There were only glimpses of the awful emptiness where a baby should be.
The mention of a due date. Yea that hurt.  The discussion of pregnancy dreams.  That hurt too.  
I tried to shake it off. I am relying on Gods plan for me.  This is happening as part of his plan. I believe that wholeheartedly. 

I wish though it didn't hurt so much. I really wish it didn't.  

It's the quiet of night that I love and rail against.  The quiet is when the pain peeks through the cracks of my strength and hope.   When it rears it's hopeless feeling, it's searing heat, it's burning pain. It is when it feels like my heart will burst. 

It is when the tears that refuse fall, the ones that leave me numb inside, aching with a heartache that cannot be fixed finally fall. The drench my face and my pillow that muffles the screaming inside. 

Even in those moments as painful as they are.  I know. God has a plan.   

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Still Screaming.. will it end...

This feeling inside me is screaming... I want to stand outside and scream at the top of my voice. Scream with all my might. Scream for all that I am.. All that I was, All that I will be... Just scream and scream and scream until my voice gives way.

Then maybe, I might not feel so trapped by this emotion. I would not feel so wounded, so hurt, so angry so... everything.. Maybe if I screamed until I couldn't .. maybe then.. I would feel better.

Why does this hurt so... Why can't my heart let it go.. The tears refuse to flow anymore.. I just feel silent.. but silently screaming...

ARRRGGGGHHHHH.. I want to be okay again. I want to feel free of this ... God please release this from me. WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God in his wisdom has knowledge of the why, I understand that. I will just go through this process day by day, moment by moment and let whatever I feel come. I will turn to God and reach for his peace.. moment by moment.

Anger is a funny thing....

Yesterday was not a bad day. I felt nearly normal. It did not seem to hurt when I looked down at my already back to normal tummy. Yea, 8 weeks and I was showing already. My clothes no longer fit, it was exciting and fun and frustrating and annoying.

What I would not give to have those problems today. Now I look down at my flat tummy and feel an ache for the baby that was there just a few days ago. A pain for what was going to be in March, and what will not be...

It hurts.

Simple surfing facebook hurts a tinge as well. Pictures and words that a few days ago held excitement and hope now bear only witness to my hurt and the painful ache in my heart. It is hard to see those that I knew were pregnant with me go forward, but at the same time feel happiness for them because I want no one to ache like this.

The thing I am struggling with today is anger. Anger is a funny thing, you don't know it is there until it bursts forth in disguise over something else. Then, you realize your anger had nothing to do with what you were angry about and everything to do with the hurt, the pain, the ache, the broken hope, and the waves of sadness that flow over you daily.

How do you beat that back? I don't personally know. I can only pray and try my best to overcome it. That I can be bigger, and stronger than the anger and hurt that is overwhelming me.

I want to feel better. I want the hurt to go  away. And.. in some moments I think it has. My body is healing. I just wish my heart and mind would as well..

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Almost Normal...

Today was not a bad day. It is the first day I have not felt swallowed up by the pain. I felt almost normal today. I felt like it was time to return to my normally scheduled life. It is not easy. I still don't feel that great. I don't actually feel like doing anything.

However, it is time to be there for everyone else. My kids understand that God took the baby. My oldest is slightly saddened by this. She touched my tummy today and said in a sad little voice, there is no baby in there anymore. I said no sweetie. She looked at me and patted me. I felt like crying anew. I was strong for her though. 

God has a plan, I have to believe that. I have decided that to be open, sharing this process with everyone might someday help someone. I know that miscarriage is one of those things. It happens often, but in the dark. No one talks about how it felt. How it tears your body up as well as your mind and your heart.

People slip it under the carpet, like its a dirty thing. Pretend it does not happen. They will pat you on the head, say the right thing and you are supposed to be okay. Miscarriage is loss. Period. Your heart gets invested in that child the minute you know there is a child. Your body grows the baby, nurtures the baby. You change your lifestyle, how you eat, what you do, everything for that child. 

And then one sad day. That child is gone. No more. 

It seems a flash, but it is not a flash. It is a lot of physical pain. And that physical pain keeps the emotional pain washing over you again and again. You are unable to escape. It is there, staring you in the face. You see it in the mirror when you try to make yourself presentable, you feel it as you lean down to put on your shoes. 

It is everywhere. 

Finally as the physical begins fade, your mind and heart finally begin their healing process. You begin to try rationalize what happened. Everything happens for a reason. What I am going through will help someone else. That is my rationale. I can only hope. 

I will feel raw and empty for a while I am sure. I can only pray that God will intervene and ease my spirit and heart. That he will give me the peace I seek from this. 

Today. I feel okay. This moment I feel okay. But.. it still hurts deep. It still feels like a wound freshly bandaged, and the wrong move will tear it open again. 

but.. with God's help and the help and support of those that care about me, those that have gone through this.. I will make it through too...

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

No words..

My thoughts bounce around inside my head so frantically.. One minute calm and okay. Happy to see my lovely wonderful girls playing, learning, just being themselves. The next minute enveloped in a sadness that my children see and do not understand.

How do you cope with such sadness? Obviously you do. I know what I am going through is less than what some go through. I also know that it does not make my sadness any less valid. I also know that there are other women out there that need to read that.

Miscarriage hurts. It hurts bad. It is a sadness that cannot be explained to someone that has not experienced it. It is like a well, that swallows you whole for a little while. Then you float to the surface. You move on, but you remember the feeling of being in the well. Each day that passes, it will hurt a little less, I suppose. I hope.

Will we try again? Many have asked... If you have ever experienced this you know that question as well. I don't know the answer right now. It sparks fear in me. Can I handle this pain again if we try again, and this happens again? I logically know that you handle what you are given. My head understands that completely and throughly. My heart does not comprehend at all.

I have been immersed in this, my body going through the actual physical process keeps this at the forefront of my mind, and for the moment I feel only surface pain. But it is a moment to moment thing, the next moment may be unbearable.

I wondered last night about the word pain, it says so much and so little at the same time. It describes with one simple four letter word everything from physical pain such as simple paper cut to horrible emotional pain of loss of every level. Is that word enough. Sometimes yes, it describes exactly what you feel.

But sometimes, it is not enough. And for me, this is one of those times. It is not enough. There are no words enough for this. I admit to one and all, I don't want to feel this way any longer. I don't want to feel loss and hurt. I don't want to feel pain. I want it to not have happened at all. I want to put my head in the sand like an ostrich and pretend it all is not real.

But that is not my reality. My current reality is painful and hurt mixed with the wonderful joy of my husband and children.

But I guess that is life. I know in my heart that God has a bigger plan for my life than I have. So I have to stand on trust. To trust that he knows better than me. I know he does.

Thanks for listening.

Trapped in Silence...

I realized tonight something. Something kind of hard to deal with. I am angry. Deep down in the recesses of who I am angry. Angry at so many things. I don't really know how to explain it. I know I feel trapped inside myself, and perhaps that is causing the anger.

I feel like I can't really explain how I feel. That makes me angry.
I feel like it is all unfair. That makes me angry.
I feel like screaming. That makes me angry.
I feel like I don't know how to deal with this. That makes me angry.
I feel like I can't escape it. That makes me angry.
I feel like I am being punished. That makes me angry.

and when I don't feel angry, I just feel broken. I guess the anger is holding my insides together. I don't think I have ever felt trapped in silence like this before.

Please pray for me.

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Moments of Pain

The question is.. Do you talk about that painful moment, that moment that your heart is laying on the floor bleeding. Or do you let it lie silently on the floor bleeding telling only a few. I guess I am choosing to share my hurting heart with you.

I don't want to talk on the phone which is weird for me. I just want silence but my mind is screaming. It is howling with pain. It along with my poor heart does not understand. Many won't understand why it hurts so much. A loss such as this.

A miscarriage. 8 weeks 2 days. A baby lost.

Why is it called a miscarriage. Such a random word that does not explain the hurt that goes with that word. When you tell people. You say. "I lost the baby." like you misplaced it.

I told my beautiful children that God took our new baby to be with him. That Lola and Papa needed a grandbaby with them. That seems to satisfy their little hearts. God needed the baby. Okay.

I wish my heart could be so simply assuaged. My heart just plain aches. It feels like it has been ripped from my body, and then put back because I have these children that God left with me.

How do you explain to someone who has not experienced this, how exactly horrible it feels. Physically your body is hurting, a mini birth. Your mind and heart though... No words can describe their pain.

This is our fifth miscarriage. It hurts no less this time than it did the first time. It feels if I don't walk slowly, and talk quietly I might break into a thousand pieces.

I won't say I don't have moments where I am okay. When I am watching one of my children, church today and praying and being with God. But most of those moments where I seem fine. I am screaming inside.

Screaming. Screaming.. Screaming.. One simple word. Why.

If you pray, please pray for me.