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Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Is it all supposed to be this hard?

Life lately has been less than fun. In fact truth be told it has sucked. I have no enjoyed it at all. Usually if one area is bad, another is good. This in fact is not the case for me right now. Everything is no so good. Well I can't say everything. I have my beautiful children. They are healthy, happy and truly loved. 

Most everything else.  Well, no fun at all.  Money, relationships, school, car, emotions, contentment..  All of those things are a daily struggle to find balance in. I am tired. I don't mean physically, which I am; I mostly mean emotionally. I am deeply tired. My heart hurts. I am wounded. 

Everyone always talks about seasons, and I understand this is a season logically.  Emotionally it is a different story. Emotionally, I don't want to play anymore.  I am worn out and tired of being in the winter. I feel like this is less of a season and more like I live in Antarctica. My logic tells me that all things cease at some point, bad times and good times. I am at the point of trudging day by day through the winter storm only because I have children. I don't know if that makes sense but how I feel. 

I feel hopeless that this season of winter will end. If Dr.O passes the test, then he has to take another test which includes travel etc. He is not worried about that test, but with each lack of worry comes failure, I know not how else to put it.  If he does pass it, we will move and be on an interns salary, which depending on where we live might be as bad as the 10 dollar an hour job he had before.

I know many often wonder why I don't work, why we had so many kids etc. Well I don't work because I would be working for someone else to raise my kids and for me to bring home a minimal amount of money after that. Childcare is simply expensive.  Why did we have so many kids, well that was God. No, we aren't one of those families who don't take birth control but God still intervened. Twice. In reality God intervenes all three times. I am glad I have three children, and if I had to do all this over again KNOWING I would end up here, feeling this way. I WOULD DO IT WITHOUT HESITATION.

All that said, it does not take away from my feelings and my heartache. I know what I am going through is so much less than what some others are going through, but that does not make it hurt less or cause me to feel less overwhelmed. I am a mother with three children within five years of each other. That is hard, I gotta tell you. 

It hurts to be so lacking in funds that I can't even buy a Christmas tree for them when the oldest asked for it. It did it hurt. The fact I say no all the time. The fact that she knows that EVER SINGLE THING she gets does not come from her parents, hurts. The blessing though is that there are so many that stand in my place and provide those things she needs or wants for her and her sisters. 

So while God has placed me in a difficult situation with almost daily struggles, he has also blessed me beyond measure. He has provided many to surround me with their swords and their shields now that I am too weak to hold my own.

I praise God for all that he is, and all that he provides for me and my precious little family. 

God Bless

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