Monday, December 30, 2013

A Review if you will

So a new year is upon us. Part of me wants to make resolutions or goals for the coming year, the other part feels more along the lines of " what is the point" and does not want to at all. As any that have read my blog in this past year can attest, the end of 2012 and the entire year of 2013, well sucked. I won't say there weren't moments of pure beauty and joy. There certainly were. However on the whole the year was rough. 

It has perhaps been the hardest of my life. Perhaps not the hardest physically but definitely the hardest emotionally, mentally, financially and spiritually. There have been many obstacles to overcome, obstacles that return over and again. Some that feel insurmountable, some that seem completely unbeatable. 

It has been a year of constant, ever in motion change for me personally and for my family.  I can say that right now at this moment, this last day of 2013 that I am different than I was a year ago. I have a far more humble spirit, a deeper belief in the goodness of people, a tighter hold on my faith that God will see me through the storm, a warmer heart but as well a stricken soul of fear of the future and what Gods plan for me and my family is, a heart that is afraid of what 2014 might bring, but a hopeful heart at the same time. 

I am humbled daily by God's love for me and my family. He provided in abundance for my children at Christmas not because presents are important but simply because I asked him to not let them suffer in our financial weakness. He showered them, and he even provided the ability for me to obtain and create gifts for them and others that I love. He helped me teach my children that Christmas is really about Jesus and his sacrifice so that I might be able to kneel and ask Our Father to provide excess for my children, so they don't feel want at Christmas. 

Years ago we attended this wonderful church in Concord, CA named Sanctuary. In this church we learned the true meaning of family. We adored our church, we ached when we had to leave it. We searched for a church like it, but none appeared. We maintained friendships from that church, many whom I am proud to call close friends but we were unable to find such a church family again. Until this year. We found such a church here in Bedford, TX. The Mission it is called. A life of missional living is what it is about. I posted on their website asking for prayer, but in their missional ways they saw through the post to the dire reality of us at that moment. I thank God for both churches and the friends gleaned from both, for the believers I can turn to when I need prayer or even something more tangible. 

God provided for is this year in so many ways, that while this year was a trial I do not wish to repeat, I am thankful for all the ways God carried us through. From our churches, to our friends, our family, our children, the blessing of a new child born in this very home to the food in our bellies, the lights being on, the cars we drive, the Christmas tree we decorated, the presents the children opened. 

So what has this year done to me, it has changed me. I am a stronger person for it, a more honest person, a more transparent person. It made me aware of beauty of a child's smile, what joy could be pulled from a single flower growing in the sun, what faith could be pulled from the feeling of birthing a child of your womb, the simple beauty of my life. 

My life might be hard, but it is beautiful. It is God given, God provided and God lead. It is simply divine. 

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Each time

Sometimes I wonder if the lack of money in my life is a permanent thing. Oh, I am not a money oriented person, however I would like to have enough money to pay the bills comfortably, and have a little left over, I want to be able to afford things like Christmas and birthdays. 

I know it not about all that. That said, I am still sick of this permanent strain of money issues. I know money is just that, money. But, it makes the world go round. If rocks made the world go round, this post would be about rocks. 

Money causes issues in marriages, with kids, with relatives in general sometimes. We have been very blessed to have family and friends to hold us up during this long winter we are in. I know that. I am thankful to each and ever one of you who has helped us, in any way. That does not mean that I don't want this winter to be over. I want to help others myself. 

I know some of you wonder why don't I get a job if money is such an issue. Well, I would be working for childcare. I would be working to pay someone else to raise my kids. Something that I am not okay with. I would not bring home much above the cost of daycare. So, not worth it. 

I guess I have reached a stage where I just feel worn down, but life. I aam trying to stay positive but with day it becomes harder and harder. Each time I have to say no to my child, each time I must ask someone to help, each bill that gets left unpaid, each time I need something and have to search on freecycle or places like that to get it, my ability to stay positive slips a little.

Please pray for me and my family.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

How to switch to DPNs from Circular

I write down the round amounts and how they will work separately from the pattern so I don't lose my place.. (I have kids)

after first decreast round

I might have one more round, but I did not want to chance it and not be able to get all the way around. (I don't like to switch mid round in case I lose which round I am on. 

I had 72 sts on the needles when I moved them on to double pointed needles (dpns)

My regular marker that sits on the needles, it cannot be used at the beginning of round with dpns, it will simple fall off. 

I used a marker that will clip into the knit and set it exactly where the original marker was so I don't lose my place on my rounds. 

begin knitting as if you were using the circular needles, but with the dpn. Note: before you begin the switch, count our stitches that are on your needles and determine how many go on each needle. In this case it was 24. 

 I have 24 sts on the first needle now.  (if you feel more comfortable, put your holders on the end of first dpn. 

 These needles are neither working end, just to show what it looks like. 

working with the second dpn and knitting 24 sts on it. 

 pulling the sts toward the front of the circs, give them a parallel kind of look.. 

 two dpn in use, now to knit the last 24 sts off the circ onto the 3rd dpn.. (you could also break this up and use 4  dpns, knitting with the 5th, but I prefer using 3 dpns and knitting with the 4th. 

 all sts have been moved to the dpns. The circ is laying next to the work, unused. 

 you can store them like this... 


 like this if you are worried about sts falling off.. in this case I was a little concerned considering how many sts were on there and I have kids.. LOL

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Is it all supposed to be this hard?

Life lately has been less than fun. In fact truth be told it has sucked. I have no enjoyed it at all. Usually if one area is bad, another is good. This in fact is not the case for me right now. Everything is no so good. Well I can't say everything. I have my beautiful children. They are healthy, happy and truly loved. 

Most everything else.  Well, no fun at all.  Money, relationships, school, car, emotions, contentment..  All of those things are a daily struggle to find balance in. I am tired. I don't mean physically, which I am; I mostly mean emotionally. I am deeply tired. My heart hurts. I am wounded. 

Everyone always talks about seasons, and I understand this is a season logically.  Emotionally it is a different story. Emotionally, I don't want to play anymore.  I am worn out and tired of being in the winter. I feel like this is less of a season and more like I live in Antarctica. My logic tells me that all things cease at some point, bad times and good times. I am at the point of trudging day by day through the winter storm only because I have children. I don't know if that makes sense but how I feel. 

I feel hopeless that this season of winter will end. If Dr.O passes the test, then he has to take another test which includes travel etc. He is not worried about that test, but with each lack of worry comes failure, I know not how else to put it.  If he does pass it, we will move and be on an interns salary, which depending on where we live might be as bad as the 10 dollar an hour job he had before.

I know many often wonder why I don't work, why we had so many kids etc. Well I don't work because I would be working for someone else to raise my kids and for me to bring home a minimal amount of money after that. Childcare is simply expensive.  Why did we have so many kids, well that was God. No, we aren't one of those families who don't take birth control but God still intervened. Twice. In reality God intervenes all three times. I am glad I have three children, and if I had to do all this over again KNOWING I would end up here, feeling this way. I WOULD DO IT WITHOUT HESITATION.

All that said, it does not take away from my feelings and my heartache. I know what I am going through is so much less than what some others are going through, but that does not make it hurt less or cause me to feel less overwhelmed. I am a mother with three children within five years of each other. That is hard, I gotta tell you. 

It hurts to be so lacking in funds that I can't even buy a Christmas tree for them when the oldest asked for it. It did it hurt. The fact I say no all the time. The fact that she knows that EVER SINGLE THING she gets does not come from her parents, hurts. The blessing though is that there are so many that stand in my place and provide those things she needs or wants for her and her sisters. 

So while God has placed me in a difficult situation with almost daily struggles, he has also blessed me beyond measure. He has provided many to surround me with their swords and their shields now that I am too weak to hold my own.

I praise God for all that he is, and all that he provides for me and my precious little family. 

God Bless