It can make you question all of your beliefs, question yourself and your choices and beat yourself up as well as worry constantly. It makes you wonder at everything you do and have done.
I admit I spend most of my days making myself be positive and finding the happy wherever it may lie. It can simply be the brightness of my childrens laughter or the joy of my little ones smile. Sometimes because God moved in a certain way and made something neccessary happen. Often anymore though, it is just something simple.
Just as simple though can be the thing that knocks me down. Something small can bring my world crashing in. I have to fight to keep from drowning under the mass of stress that seems to exist daily for me.
As many of you know my mother in law is very sick. I worry so much about my dear father in law. I love him so very much. He is a jewel of a person. I hurt for him. So much besides the loss of his life partner of 40 years is riding on his shoulders. He is an amazing person who has a depth of belief in God that will withstand this. It does not mean it is not hard on his spirit, his soul, or his heart.
How does life get to be this hard. I think this is the hardest time I have ever had in my entire life. Perhaps as a child when my father was dying, but that was different because I was the child without adult worries to weigh me down. This is tough. It is so hard to daily tell my children no because we don't have any money, even for a dollar store item. It makes me feel like a failure as a parent. I know that might sound silly, but it is how I feel.
I worry about what they will go through when their treasured Lola passes on. They love her much, especially the middle little. Just tonight she said she missed her Lola. How are they going to handle such an adult thing. I know children are resilent, but these little girls have had much change in their lives in such a short time. I love them so and would make their lives more stable if I could.
God willing this time in our life will change sooner rather than later, and I will be able to be feel less stressed and hopeless. I often have to battle the depression that tries to get me daily. However, I refuse to stop fighting to be a positive and happy person for my kids and for my husband.
I know that life is hard. It is harder than I ever imagined it could be. Even as little as a year ago. However, something precious comes out it. My babies. God blessed me with three beautiful daughters to teach, to learn from, to appreciate their uniqueness, their joy. He blessed me beyond measure with their love.
Things are very difficult in this household that said. So I ask, if you read this. Please pray for hope, for provision, for a shield and sword to stand guard for us. I ask that you ask God to intervene on our behalf for all the difficulties that currently sit in our life. I also ask that you pray specifially for my very special father in law, ask God to give peace to his heart. That if it is his will that my mother in law join him in heaven, that my father in law have peace with that.