Friday, October 11, 2013

Not a positive post

You know that awesome stage in your life that you just hate it. You wonder how it got to be this way, how did you get to this point in your life. That point where you wonder what you did wrong, where you went wrong. What decision did you make that put you here. Well that is where I am.

I am turning 40 in a little over a month. Forty. Forty years old. I am going to be forty and here I sit in my bed with a very small sitting next to me, broke. I can't even afford to pay my electric bill, I can't afford to trot down to the soda machine and get a soda. How on earth did I get here.
Tonight,  that thought just keeps shifting through my brain.   

Sifting. Sifting. Sifting.

How on earth did my life become this?

I am a christian as any of you that read this blog know. Today, is not one of those positive days I usually chose to have. Today, well it is a break your heart, how am I going to continue living this life, this really sucks, I pretty much hate where my life is right now, when will God interfere and make this better kind of day.

I have cried today. Simply sat down and cried. I did not want to lose it in front of my older girls so their Aunt took them for a spend the night. V's first overnight I think. At least the first she remembers and will remember.

I needed this break, but I miss them. I miss their noise. I miss their sweet little voices saying how much they love me. Their sweet little goodnight kisses and wonderful little arms of hugs. I guess missing them will help me reset to be better for them tomorrow and all the days after that.

Tonight, I am simply hurting. I feel abandoned by God. I know, I know. He does not do that. I know he does not. However, I am tired of living this life. I am angry that this is my life. Every day for years, this is my life.

This life has gotten worse in the last few months, and I am tired. I am ready for a change. I am ready not to worry constantly about money. I am ready to go to the store and buy my kid birthday presents and have a great christmas. I am ready to buy something sweet to eat and not feel guilty because I spent a few dollars on a treat. I am ready to not worry that this or that will be turned off today or tomorrow.

I am so sick of this. So very tired. I feel beaten, worn down and defeated tonightTomorrow is another day, but tonight I feel hopeless that this so called season is just not where I live. Maybe for me, it is not a season. Maybe for me, it is just my life for the rest of my life.

Beaten. I feel like life has beaten me. Just for tonight. Tomorrow I will wake up, fight for the positivity and happy moments.

See ya'll tomorrow. If you read this. Please pray. I am beaten and cannot do it for myself.    

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