Sunday, October 27, 2013

Great Sadness

There are have been many tough battles in our life lately. The lack of money has been the worse. However, there is something worse than the lack of money than can happen in your life. Many of us know that but forget it. We have been made to remember that. 

My dear husband lost his mother on Thursday October 24, 2013. She has gone home to be with The Lord. We are all very saddened to have lost her here on Earth but we know she is in a better place. A place where she is no longer sick and suffering. She is in a place of a whole body and mind. 

She will be missed by many as a friend, sister, aunt, cousin, mother, grandmother, daughter and wife. She was my mother in law for nearly 8 years and our relationship was not always the smoothest and most friendly but we made our peace with each other and came to love each other. I will miss her. It feels so empty without her. There is an empty void in this family where she once stood. It is felt by everyone. 

My dear husband and his brother Ruel lost their cherished mother. I feel for them. I think it has not hit them yet. It takes a while for it hit home that you have lost such an integral person in life. It will be a hard adjustment. I can only hope that I can do something to help them.

Siblings lost a sister. A sister full of the love of God. A quiet reserved loving sister. One full of prayers for the best things in life for them. A sister who loved them, who they loved in return.

A mother lost a child. A grown child, but still her child. The pain must be respected, and prayers must be said for her mothers heart. A heart lonely for a missing child. 

The person that I hurt for the most though, is my father in law. A husband without a wife. A lover without his best friend. A two with only the one. Where there once was an us, now there is only a me. The sadness you see in his eyes, is painful to see. The longing for a person who was his everything is hard to watch. 

I ask any that read this, to pray. For each member of this family to have peace and strength in being without a woman so loved by each.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

The Realities of Life

So when faced with the realities of life, do you focus on them or go within yourself. Personally, at first I go within myself, I get depressed and hopeless pretty much every single time. Then I have to remember that I have three small children watching me and how I do things and pull myself out of it. 

I then find the positive. If there is not a positive about the situation, the positive about my life. I do have a lot of those. Granted, I do have a lot of crap to deal with and have for a long time. However, that said I have three amazing little girls that God blessed me with. No matter how craptastic it gets, I have them. 

And, maybe just maybe the crap that is my life will improve someday. I just have to keep believing that. 

Friday, October 11, 2013

A Positive Post

So.. since last nights post was less that positive and I am still feeling pretty much the same way but I am choosing to not let the negative get me in the blog again.. I am going to post some gratefuls.. 

I am grateful for...

My beautiful girls. They are each amazing and wonderful in their own right. I feel amazed each day that I am someone's mommy. I had begun to think that I would not be one when my amazing nearly 5 year came along. Each girl has brough such joy to my life. Joy I never thought possible. They can often make a bad day good, just by their laughter. 

My husband. He is a good man, who loves me. I have been in a relationship with a man who did not love me. I have been in the place of not being able to be me in a relationship. I have been abused and mistreated by the man that was supposed to love me. This man loves me and appreciates exactly who I am warts and all. 

My sister, she is simply amazing. She loves me. She sees my faults and loves me still. She has been there for me throughout the toughest moments and best moments of my life. I appreciate her. I love her. 

My Father in law. He is an amazing man. I know I have said that before, but he really is. He is a joy to know. He is special. I know he does not know that about himself, but he is. I love him. I love him very much. I wish I could help him more in this time of need. I appreciate him. He is a perfect example of a good man, a Godly man. Any man should look to him to see how it is done. 

My Momma. I am grateful for her phone calls to check on me. I am thankful that she is trying to help even though she is going through tough times herself. I am so glad she is still here. I love her so very much. I don't always show it to her but I do.

My niece. She is so sweet. I am blessed to have such a sweet person be part of my life. So many people don't appreciate the goodness that is within her, but she is a shining beacon to me. She is special. She is so loved by my family. My little girls adore their Mimi, as does their Momma. 

My nephew. He is NOT sweet. I love that about him. He is exactly who he is. He likes who he is. I like that about him. He is definitive. He is distinct. If you are blessed enough to be loved by him, call yourself lucky. He does not let many in. I am blessed enough. He is loved by my family too. My littles love their MayMay. 

My friends. I have many. Each of you, fills a need in me. There are some of you that are mentors, some are equals, and some I mentor I think. Some of you are christian, some are not. Some of you are parents, some are not. Some of you are closer in distance than others. Some of you I have met and some I have not.  All of you mean so much to me. I will not name names, you know you are. 

I am grateful for simple things too.. Like

soap and shampoo
bathtubs and bubble bath
food and the skillet to cook it in
Electricity and internet
Facebook and Gmail
DFW Crunchy Moms and Secret Crunchys
Online groups and chatboxes
Toenail polish and cute clothes
Children's laughter and dress up clothes
Netflix and Daniel Tiger
Homebirth and Midwives
Cloth diapers and washing machines
Comfy Beds and Fluffy Blankets
Ipads and Candy Crush
Yarn and Knowledge of Knitting
Woven wrap and baby wearing
Little girl kisses and I love you's 

I shall look back at this post when I am feeling down. Right now, after writing it. I am feel grateful for having so much. 

Not a positive post

You know that awesome stage in your life that you just hate it. You wonder how it got to be this way, how did you get to this point in your life. That point where you wonder what you did wrong, where you went wrong. What decision did you make that put you here. Well that is where I am.

I am turning 40 in a little over a month. Forty. Forty years old. I am going to be forty and here I sit in my bed with a very small sitting next to me, broke. I can't even afford to pay my electric bill, I can't afford to trot down to the soda machine and get a soda. How on earth did I get here.
Tonight,  that thought just keeps shifting through my brain.   

Sifting. Sifting. Sifting.

How on earth did my life become this?

I am a christian as any of you that read this blog know. Today, is not one of those positive days I usually chose to have. Today, well it is a break your heart, how am I going to continue living this life, this really sucks, I pretty much hate where my life is right now, when will God interfere and make this better kind of day.

I have cried today. Simply sat down and cried. I did not want to lose it in front of my older girls so their Aunt took them for a spend the night. V's first overnight I think. At least the first she remembers and will remember.

I needed this break, but I miss them. I miss their noise. I miss their sweet little voices saying how much they love me. Their sweet little goodnight kisses and wonderful little arms of hugs. I guess missing them will help me reset to be better for them tomorrow and all the days after that.

Tonight, I am simply hurting. I feel abandoned by God. I know, I know. He does not do that. I know he does not. However, I am tired of living this life. I am angry that this is my life. Every day for years, this is my life.

This life has gotten worse in the last few months, and I am tired. I am ready for a change. I am ready not to worry constantly about money. I am ready to go to the store and buy my kid birthday presents and have a great christmas. I am ready to buy something sweet to eat and not feel guilty because I spent a few dollars on a treat. I am ready to not worry that this or that will be turned off today or tomorrow.

I am so sick of this. So very tired. I feel beaten, worn down and defeated tonightTomorrow is another day, but tonight I feel hopeless that this so called season is just not where I live. Maybe for me, it is not a season. Maybe for me, it is just my life for the rest of my life.

Beaten. I feel like life has beaten me. Just for tonight. Tomorrow I will wake up, fight for the positivity and happy moments.

See ya'll tomorrow. If you read this. Please pray. I am beaten and cannot do it for myself.    

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Rambling, Life is hard but blessed.

Life is hard. It makes you wish you could go back to childhood where you were carefree and the biggest issue was your parents making you go to bed. You don't realize how hard life is when you are young, even a young adult. It is hard, though. Very hard. 

It can make you question all of your beliefs, question yourself and your choices and beat yourself up as well as worry constantly. It makes you wonder at everything you do and have done. 

I admit I spend most of my days making myself be positive and finding the happy wherever it may lie. It can simply be the brightness of my childrens laughter or the joy of my little ones smile. Sometimes because God moved in a certain way and made something neccessary happen. Often anymore though, it is just something simple. 

Just as simple though can be the thing that knocks me down. Something small can bring my world crashing in. I have to fight to keep from drowning under the mass of stress that seems to exist daily for me. 

As many of you know my mother in law is very sick. I worry so much about my dear father in law. I love him so very much. He is a jewel of a person. I hurt for him. So much besides the loss of his life partner of 40 years is riding on his shoulders. He is an amazing person who has a depth of belief in God that will withstand this. It does not mean it is not hard on his spirit, his soul, or his heart. 

How does life get to be this hard. I think this is the hardest time I have ever had in my entire life. Perhaps as a child when my father was dying, but that was different because I was the child without adult worries to weigh me down. This is tough. It is so hard to daily tell my children no because we don't have any money, even for a dollar store item. It makes me feel like a failure as a parent. I know that might sound silly, but it is how I feel. 

I worry about what they will go through when their treasured Lola passes on. They love her much, especially the middle little. Just tonight she said she missed her Lola. How are they going to handle such an adult thing. I know children are resilent, but these little girls have had much change in their lives in such a short time. I love them so and would make their lives more stable if I could. 

God willing this time in our life will change sooner rather than later, and I will be able to be feel less stressed and hopeless. I often have to battle the depression that tries to get me daily. However, I refuse to stop fighting to be a positive and happy person for my kids and for my husband. 

I know that life is hard. It is harder than I ever imagined it could be. Even as little as a year ago. However, something precious comes out it. My babies. God blessed me with three beautiful daughters to teach, to learn from, to appreciate their uniqueness, their joy. He blessed me beyond measure with their love. 

Things are very difficult in this household that said. So I ask, if you read this. Please pray for hope, for provision, for a shield and sword to stand guard for us. I ask that you ask God to intervene on our behalf for all the difficulties that currently sit in our life. I also ask that you pray specifially for my very special father in law, ask God to give peace to his heart. That if it is his will that my mother in law join him in heaven, that my father in law have peace with that. 

Friday, October 4, 2013


My father in law is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. I am not sure he knows how amazing he really is. He just does what must be done. I wish I could help him right now, but no one can. My mother in law is struggling to live and has seemed to have given up that will. It is quite understandable given that she has had 9 strokes in 11 years. It is hard to watch, hear about etc. 

I cannot imagine how either of them must be feeling. They have been married for 40 years. It is hard to lose a life partner in any case, but one of 40 years. That must be unfathomable. My mom said it felt like she lost a part of her that she just had to learn to live without. How do you learn that. 

Please pray for both my mother in law and my father in law as well as the rest of the family. Their two sons, my husband and brother in law. I have lost my father but I still have my momma and cannot even think of what it will be like to lose to her. I pray for them daily. 

We will also have to address it with the girls. I dread that moment. 

I have not had the best relationship with my mother in law, but we healed that relationship in the short time we lived together. I do love her because she is my husband's mother, and she is a wonderful grandmother. I am sad that my children will not grow up in her arms. 

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Some Days...

Some days are worse than others. Some of them I seem to have it together and I do what needs to be done and I feel productive and good. Most of them it seems I am neither productive or good. It has begun to feel like the crap is piling on day by day. Some days include more crap than others, but they all pile something on top of the already tall pile of crap. 

I am aware that I have a ton of positives and I try to focus on those. However, some days it is harder than others. Today is one of those awful days. Days where I feel put upon by life. I am so glad I have my children, they are my very heart. However some days I feel it is best for them to be away from me so I can be what I need to be for that day and then tomorrow I am better and able to be the mom they need me to be.

I want to be the very best mother possible and I know I fail in that often, but I am trying. Everyday. To be better It feels like with so much on me, I fail more than I succeed. I don't know if that is true but it is how I feel at this moment.