Sunday, September 29, 2013

Stability within insecurity

The stability I have in my life, exists only in the insecurity and change that exists for me. I have craved stability for a long while now. I want to have a life that is the same every day. I know that may sound boring to some but to me that sounds like a dream that I only find at night when I sleep. 

So I have decided to try to find the stability that actually exists in my life. The only place I can find it, is within the insecurity I feel in my life daily and the change that constantly flows around me. I can say that while the boring monotonous life sounds wonderous, it is not what I am meant to have at this time. My stability comes from the instable nature of my life. The ever flowing, ever rushing changes that assaults me frequently. 

My stability is within my childrens eyes when they wake in the morning and search for my eyes and share their good morning I love yous. It comes from knowing that while everything changes for them a lot. I am a stable place for them. They always know Mommy is there, no matter what. 

So, if you can have stability within insecurity and a rushing river of change. Then I do have it. AND.. just maybe.. I would not like the boring daily life that I crave. Maybe, God knows what he is doing.. 

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Appreciation and Thankfulness

Sometimes I put my fingers to the keyboard and I don't really know what I am going to write, other times I know exactly what I am feeling and exactly what I want to share with my audience or even sometimes just a post that I want to keep for review on a later date. 

Tonight, I am not sure where my fingers and mind are going to take us. It could go many places as my life is so very complicated and overwhelming but sometimes it is easiest to make a light post about how to change a light bulb. 

But, tonight we are going to go with the heavy as usual. This blog is my vent area, it is the way I stay sane in the face of so much .. well just so much in my life. Sometimes I wonder how one person can take so much. I cannot be the first to be so completely overwhelmed by life. I certainly will not be the last. I have however come to the conclusion that though my life is not easy and it is far too interesting for my taste. It has a great many positives in it that I often take for granted. 

I sit and watch my father in law and how he is feeling, and I feel such compassion for him. I wish I could help him in some small way but there is nothing anyone can do for him. I can only choose to appreciate the man he is and all that he does for this family. I only try to do whatever small thing he asks to make his life easier, and again appreciate him as the wonderful grandfather he is to my three wonderful children. 

It also makes me appreciate my husband, for several reasons. One of which, he came from this man. This wonderful man who is my father in law, raised my husband. My father in law is in my husband. I choose to appreciate that. It also makes me appreciate that my dh is healthy. My MIL is not so much. It is so sad to watch. I also appreciate that my husband is trying to do what is best for our family in the face of such hopelessness. 

I also appreciate that my children are healthy. They have no life threatening allergeries, no illnesses that we must battle daily. They are healthy and happy. They are fun and vibrant. They have minds of their own. They are stubborn and willful. They are sweet and loving. They are amazing little people who God trusted me with. I appreciate that I get to be their mother. 

There are so many things I appreciate about my life. So many things I am deeply grateful for. The list can go on and on. Do you appreciate your life and what you have rather that fight against it and search for what you don't have? If you fight, stop now and look around and see the wonder that is your life. I assure there are many things in everyones life to be thankful for, some of us have more to be thankful for but everyone has something. 

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Season of Life

Is life always this intersting or it is just my life? I am beginning to think it is just my life. I talk to others and they have things going on in their life but not to the extent that I do. I know some people do but on the whole most people don't have everything hit at once. 

I feel overwhelmed, and out numbered by the problems and stresses in my life. I am trying to keep a positive attitude but some days are harder than others. On some days, I am sure it will pass and everything has happened or a reason. On my off days, well I am just no fun at all to be around.

Sad, but true. 

I am ready for this so called season of my life to change. I am beginning to feel like my long winter is not going to stop, just maybe I moved to Siberia and did not realize it. I know that in this winter there have been some wonderful moments, such as the birth of each of my children. They are the reason I still feel some positivity in this long winter night. 

I am in one of my positive days today. I went to church today which always helps my mood, I did not really get to attend the service due to my middle little but I was able to visit with some mommies in the nursery and that helped plus my Oldest little got to go to her class which she absolutely adores. 

Because I feel positive today, I feel like there is a purpose in all of this. Will I ever know what it is, maybe.. maybe not. 

God Bless and may God's purpose show in your lives. 

Friday, September 6, 2013

Just mutters.

Life has never been easy, but lately it seems that it is the hardest it has ever been. I am not sure why. I have a million questions as I always do. I often am aware that just because I feel something it does not mean it is true. Perhaps I should rephrase that. Just because I think something does not mean it is true. Feelings just are, they are not right or wrong. 

Lately though I feel like that poster that says that several days ganged up on me and hit me at once. That pretty much sums up how I feel right now. There are so many factors and issues going on in my life right now. Some I am willing to talk about her and some that I am not. Suffice to say, Life sucks at the moment. 

Dr. O left for another state to study for the hated and dreaded test. COMLEX. Those letters stand for something other than what they actually stand for, to me. To me, they stand for something along the lines of Complicated Offensive Miserable Lengthy Excruciating Exam. Yea, those words are an apt description I think. 

Let's see if it wins this final round. I hope not for Dr. O's sake. I have stopped caring one way or the other. I just want him to be happy in his day to day life, which seems to be impossible lately. 

Elle is nearly 5, and learning and growing so very much. She amazes her Momma constantly at how brilliant to use a term she uses a lot, she is. She is simply amazing to me and I am astounded that she is my child.  

Bean turns 3 in a couple of weeks. Three. How did she get to be so old. She is also extremely smart. A couple of days ago, she was hungry. She opened the fridge, took out a boiled egg and peeled it. She then brought it me and said. "Mom, can I eat this boiled egg, I peeled it already" Umm yes Beanie. 

Little is getting bigger, nearly 3 months old. So cute. She just filled my heart all the way up to the top. I thought it was filled by my older girls, but it was not. It needed her to be filled to the top.