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Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Who am I ?

I am beginning to feel that in the midst of being a mommy and supportive wife to a medical student, that well I have lost myself. Is this true? It could be true. However, the question that lies on the table staring back at me is... Is it true.. Am I no longer C.. Am I merely Elle, Bean and Little's mommy? Am I merely Dr. O's wife? Have I ceased being just C? Those are deep and thoughtful questions... Are they true? 

Have I ceased being me apart from my roles and labels? 

Well lets look at the roles and labels... Wife, mommy, daughter in law, sister, daughter, aunt, teacher and friend...

Wife....Medical spouse..is not an easy role. I would say my most difficult role is this one. I love being wife to Dr. O but I hate being a medical spouse pretty much on every level. I will grant that this is the label that provided my meeting 2 of my 3 closest friends. However, that said I still don't like this role. It comes with a great deal of baggage. Weeks, heck months away from Dr. O. It has made me the sole parent on my occasions, it has left me alone to deal with crisis after crisis. It has caused a severe lack of money and time. I have on many occasions said to any that will listen ... I hate med school and I can unequivocally state.. That is true. I do hate it.

Wife..minus the med school part.. Pretty easy gig. Smile, kiss, deal with daily house stuff.. Eehh doable.. Sometimes annoying and sometimes absolutely awesome.. It is probably my easiest role. 

As a mommy, I am everything to my kids. I like that on some levels. It is interesting being so important to someone. A kiss from a mommy fixes an owie, a hug soothes a hurt little heart, an I love gives reassurance that no other can provide, just seeing me provokes a smile and a giggle. It is the best job on earth. I love being mommy. The other side of mommy comes with less than fun duties. As a mommy, I am sleep soother, food provider, referee, disciplinarian, and a few other things. It is however, with its good and bad my most fulfilling role. As I stated earlier I love being a mommy. To clarify, I love being Elle, Bean and Little's mommy. It is the best thing that has ever happened to me, bar none. 

Daughter in law.. A far more complicated role. It has struggled in the past to be an acceptable role. This label has been fraught with injustice, anger, fear and a lot of tears. Recently though, it has settled in a role of love and thankfulness for them. It is a role I am glad I have even with its difficulties. 

Sister, very nearly my favorite role. I love having and being a sister. I have been blessed with a pretty spectacular sister. There are many who would be envious of me having such an amazing sibling. There are just as many that love to see my relationship with my dearest sister. She is my sister by blood and by choice but I am very blessed that she also my friend. In many circumstances, my closest friend. 

Daughter ..this one has been an uneasy relationship for much of my life. It has been plagued by drama, uneasiness and uncertainty.  It is only lately, that I can say it is simpler and easier. It is only in the past few years has it been filled with a certainty of love and assurance. It is also now become a relationship of concern and worry for my mothers health. 

Aunt.. I love being an Aunt and I can say I have always loved being aunt to the m&m's.. They were both awesome kids and grew up to be amazing adults. Being an Aunt is what made me desire to be a mother so badly. I loved and love those kids so much, I actually could not fathom loving anyone more when I was young, then I had kids. They have been a blessing to me and I hope they know it. 

Teacher... This tag is in conjunction with the mommy role. I became a teacher the minute they were born. There are so many lessons they learn that have nothing to do with school and it is your job as their parent to teach them. Sadly, sometimes I fail miserably but other times I feel proud of myself and them. To that role, I have added Preschool and Kindergarden homeschool teacher. This has been a challenging and rewarding role that I am adjusting too. It has caused me to learn new information and new ways of doing things, but to also find that I love to teach. Amazing what we learn huh..

Friend.. This has been an important role to me. I have many friends. Each one has a special place in my heart. Each friend offers something different to me. I hope I am as good a friend to them as they are to me. I know that sometimes I go wrong in this role but I try to succeed more than fail. I know that as a friend, sometimes you mentor and sometimes you are mentored. Lately it seems a lot of mentoring me is going on. I need to make sure to give back as much as I get out of my friendships.. I love all of you . Every single one of my friends has given much to my life and continues to do so. 

So back to the question at hand.. Have I lost me?  I think the simple answer is yes. I have. Perhaps not wholly, but to a large degree. I have become dependant on others. I am not making the choices that would make me happy more often than not.  I choose to give instead of take. It is good to give, but sometimes you must take to remain yourself.  I am not doing enough of that. 

Now that I have reviewed and answered my own question. The thing staring me in the face is.. What are you going to do about it? That however is another question for another day... 









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