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Saturday, August 31, 2013

Is it darkest...

As I sit here in the darkness of my room watching my children sleep I cannot help but wonder what the future brings for my family. So many changes have occured in a short time and more changes are to come. So harder than others, but all changes require adaptation. I am feeling rather weak of will lately. 

When I say weak of will, I mean that I am not feeling strongly pro for the upcoming change of Dr. O leaving us for 2 months or more. I am actually feeling decidedly negative in regards to it. I don't like being away from my husband for a night or many nights. Oh to be sure, I am capable of it as I have done it many times, but I still don't like it. 

He will be leaving to study for major test he must pass to become a doctor. The COMLEX. The mere sound of that word or name makes me shudder. I hate the word COMLEX. It requires capitalization not just because that is how it is spelled as it stands for something important like College of Medicine Lengthy Excrucation (yea I made that word up) Exam. It also is capitalized because of what it has come to mean to this family. It means time away from Dr. O, fear of failure and what that might me to this family and whole list of other things I dare not mention, lest I call them into play. Silly I know but the COMLEX strikes fear into my heart. 

We have at most 3 more days with husband and father. The oldest understands he is leaving, she seems to be doing okay with, she is only slightly more clingy and more verbal of the I love you's. She understands he is going back to work to be a doctor. There is much she does not understand of course, but she is a smart little girl in that she understands that he must leave FOR us. The middle one, well she understands to some degree that Daddy is leaving. She does not understand really the why's and in some cases even I have moments of not understanding. Silly again I know. But there it is. The baby will hopefully not forget her Daddy because nearly two months is a long time for a baby. 

I sit here tonight, alone in the room with my children and hope this plan of God's will bring us to a better place financially because I am tired so very tired of the lack of funds this family faces. I don't like the place we are at now at all. I am trying to do my very best to be the supportive wife I know the medical student needs right now, but there are moments that I struggle with that. This is one of those moments. 

I ask this of my readers whoever you may be. Please pray for me to have the ability to handle the coming months with character and resolve, that I will have the strength of will to get through the months well and be what my children need me to be. 

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