Saturday, August 31, 2013

Is it darkest...

As I sit here in the darkness of my room watching my children sleep I cannot help but wonder what the future brings for my family. So many changes have occured in a short time and more changes are to come. So harder than others, but all changes require adaptation. I am feeling rather weak of will lately. 

When I say weak of will, I mean that I am not feeling strongly pro for the upcoming change of Dr. O leaving us for 2 months or more. I am actually feeling decidedly negative in regards to it. I don't like being away from my husband for a night or many nights. Oh to be sure, I am capable of it as I have done it many times, but I still don't like it. 

He will be leaving to study for major test he must pass to become a doctor. The COMLEX. The mere sound of that word or name makes me shudder. I hate the word COMLEX. It requires capitalization not just because that is how it is spelled as it stands for something important like College of Medicine Lengthy Excrucation (yea I made that word up) Exam. It also is capitalized because of what it has come to mean to this family. It means time away from Dr. O, fear of failure and what that might me to this family and whole list of other things I dare not mention, lest I call them into play. Silly I know but the COMLEX strikes fear into my heart. 

We have at most 3 more days with husband and father. The oldest understands he is leaving, she seems to be doing okay with, she is only slightly more clingy and more verbal of the I love you's. She understands he is going back to work to be a doctor. There is much she does not understand of course, but she is a smart little girl in that she understands that he must leave FOR us. The middle one, well she understands to some degree that Daddy is leaving. She does not understand really the why's and in some cases even I have moments of not understanding. Silly again I know. But there it is. The baby will hopefully not forget her Daddy because nearly two months is a long time for a baby. 

I sit here tonight, alone in the room with my children and hope this plan of God's will bring us to a better place financially because I am tired so very tired of the lack of funds this family faces. I don't like the place we are at now at all. I am trying to do my very best to be the supportive wife I know the medical student needs right now, but there are moments that I struggle with that. This is one of those moments. 

I ask this of my readers whoever you may be. Please pray for me to have the ability to handle the coming months with character and resolve, that I will have the strength of will to get through the months well and be what my children need me to be. 

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Who am I ?

I am beginning to feel that in the midst of being a mommy and supportive wife to a medical student, that well I have lost myself. Is this true? It could be true. However, the question that lies on the table staring back at me is... Is it true.. Am I no longer C.. Am I merely Elle, Bean and Little's mommy? Am I merely Dr. O's wife? Have I ceased being just C? Those are deep and thoughtful questions... Are they true? 

Have I ceased being me apart from my roles and labels? 

Well lets look at the roles and labels... Wife, mommy, daughter in law, sister, daughter, aunt, teacher and friend...

Wife....Medical not an easy role. I would say my most difficult role is this one. I love being wife to Dr. O but I hate being a medical spouse pretty much on every level. I will grant that this is the label that provided my meeting 2 of my 3 closest friends. However, that said I still don't like this role. It comes with a great deal of baggage. Weeks, heck months away from Dr. O. It has made me the sole parent on my occasions, it has left me alone to deal with crisis after crisis. It has caused a severe lack of money and time. I have on many occasions said to any that will listen ... I hate med school and I can unequivocally state.. That is true. I do hate it.

Wife..minus the med school part.. Pretty easy gig. Smile, kiss, deal with daily house stuff.. Eehh doable.. Sometimes annoying and sometimes absolutely awesome.. It is probably my easiest role. 

As a mommy, I am everything to my kids. I like that on some levels. It is interesting being so important to someone. A kiss from a mommy fixes an owie, a hug soothes a hurt little heart, an I love gives reassurance that no other can provide, just seeing me provokes a smile and a giggle. It is the best job on earth. I love being mommy. The other side of mommy comes with less than fun duties. As a mommy, I am sleep soother, food provider, referee, disciplinarian, and a few other things. It is however, with its good and bad my most fulfilling role. As I stated earlier I love being a mommy. To clarify, I love being Elle, Bean and Little's mommy. It is the best thing that has ever happened to me, bar none. 

Daughter in law.. A far more complicated role. It has struggled in the past to be an acceptable role. This label has been fraught with injustice, anger, fear and a lot of tears. Recently though, it has settled in a role of love and thankfulness for them. It is a role I am glad I have even with its difficulties. 

Sister, very nearly my favorite role. I love having and being a sister. I have been blessed with a pretty spectacular sister. There are many who would be envious of me having such an amazing sibling. There are just as many that love to see my relationship with my dearest sister. She is my sister by blood and by choice but I am very blessed that she also my friend. In many circumstances, my closest friend. 

Daughter ..this one has been an uneasy relationship for much of my life. It has been plagued by drama, uneasiness and uncertainty.  It is only lately, that I can say it is simpler and easier. It is only in the past few years has it been filled with a certainty of love and assurance. It is also now become a relationship of concern and worry for my mothers health. 

Aunt.. I love being an Aunt and I can say I have always loved being aunt to the m&m's.. They were both awesome kids and grew up to be amazing adults. Being an Aunt is what made me desire to be a mother so badly. I loved and love those kids so much, I actually could not fathom loving anyone more when I was young, then I had kids. They have been a blessing to me and I hope they know it. 

Teacher... This tag is in conjunction with the mommy role. I became a teacher the minute they were born. There are so many lessons they learn that have nothing to do with school and it is your job as their parent to teach them. Sadly, sometimes I fail miserably but other times I feel proud of myself and them. To that role, I have added Preschool and Kindergarden homeschool teacher. This has been a challenging and rewarding role that I am adjusting too. It has caused me to learn new information and new ways of doing things, but to also find that I love to teach. Amazing what we learn huh..

Friend.. This has been an important role to me. I have many friends. Each one has a special place in my heart. Each friend offers something different to me. I hope I am as good a friend to them as they are to me. I know that sometimes I go wrong in this role but I try to succeed more than fail. I know that as a friend, sometimes you mentor and sometimes you are mentored. Lately it seems a lot of mentoring me is going on. I need to make sure to give back as much as I get out of my friendships.. I love all of you . Every single one of my friends has given much to my life and continues to do so. 

So back to the question at hand.. Have I lost me?  I think the simple answer is yes. I have. Perhaps not wholly, but to a large degree. I have become dependant on others. I am not making the choices that would make me happy more often than not.  I choose to give instead of take. It is good to give, but sometimes you must take to remain yourself.  I am not doing enough of that. 

Now that I have reviewed and answered my own question. The thing staring me in the face is.. What are you going to do about it? That however is another question for another day... 

Monday, August 26, 2013


We have started our first official homeschool year. At least official to us. The girls birthdays fall in such a way that Elle would not start for another year in Kindergarden. I did the research online and she is in kinder rather than preschool. I have been working on having papers to do, obtaining school supplies (you just gotta love the dollar store for that), making lesson plans etc. 
We are currently on break right now and they are playing. They don't want to eat right now. So I guess we will break when they are hungry. 

Today has been a serious learning curve for momma. I  had to make some stuff up as I went especially for Bean to learn shapes and colors. We are going to have to get some coloring in for ABC.. instead of all the lined abc stuff we have which fits Elle's needs. So I guess later after class is out.. I will do some looking around and find and print some of that. I used a lot of that for Elle. 

Baby D stayed with the grandparents while we were in class. That was awesome especially given it was the first day of school. She was pretty good too. 

First day of homeschool over.  I felt like it was a success and very excited for all the stuff we are learning. It wa definitely a learning curve as I mentioned before. Hopefully the rest of the week flows a little better for this teacher. I am sure it will be more of a learning curve for me. I did finish my lesson plans for the week today, and I am guessing there will be changes made as I adjust to being a kindergarden teacher, while also teaching preschool. 

Saturday, August 17, 2013

More comments of change.

Well, as I wrote last post. There was a big change coming that I was dreading, a change that I struggled to accept. I have reached the point of not fighting it.  I still don't like it. I do, however understand that for us it is a necessary thing. I don't know if I have reached an acceptance point yet, but I am working on that. I am actually working on more than that. I am actually working on going past acceptance into happiness for this change. 

It is a great opportunity for us. It can mean a lot more freedom for me as a person and a parent. It can bring more freedom to dh and I as a couple. It can bring more dates and just more joy in life in general. It can bring more heritage to the children and it can certainly bring more love. It will bring more of God's love to them. 

God has a plan for our life. I have always believed that.I believe it now. And. I believe this is part of that. 

Change, whether good or bad if often hard. Especially for this medical spouse. One would think that me being the wife of Dr. O for so long would have made me a natural at dealing with all manner of change. Yet, even after so many years of constant change I still struggle with it. I crave stability. I want to touch stability with my fingers and revel in it unchanging self. Yet that is not for me. 

Many people say that God does not give you more than you can handle. There is another saying.. That God does not give you more than you handle, I just wish he did not trust me so much. However, I believe different. I believe that God does give you more than you can handle. He does this for two reasons. One... So that you must turn to him to give you the strength needed for the situation. Two.. to make you even stronger. If he never pushed you past your current limits, you would not become stronger and more capable as the years passed. 

There is a reason older people are wise. They have experience of a long life. They have been pushed past their liimits many times over. 

and if I am lucky.. Maybe, Just maybe someday I will be considered wise. 

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Accept it or Fight it..

I have not really announced this .. but Mr. O is returning to medical school so we will call him Dr. O again. He has to take the COMLEX CK and COMLEX PE and one rotation. He will be leaving our family for 9 weeks in 6 days. He will be staying with a friend of the family states away. We have determined this is the best way to insure success. It is not something I want for certain. I don't like being away from my husband. 

His father and mother have moved in with us to help not only financially but so that I don't have the onus of three kids and no help. I am grateful. It will be easier handling life with three smalls with another couple of adults around. 

I have been struggling with depression lately. I don't think it is postpartum, I think it is simply too much change in too short a time frame. Any person who has gone through as much change as I have in such a short period would struggle I think. 

However, as I have stated before if there is any kind of constant in my life. It is change. I am certain there are others like me who change has to become a friend or it will eat you alive. That getting a short time of stabilty has to go far. That change is a must, it is a constant and it must be your friend. You must learn to appreciate it and accept it quickly. 

I am still slower at accepting and embracing that I would like to be but I feel I am probably better at it than some. It is still hard.

I think I could accept a lot. I think the hardest thing for me right now.. Is the idea of such a long separation from the man I love. 

Monday, August 5, 2013


Forgiveness comes in many guises. One would think it is cut and dried. It sounds like it is, doesn't it? But.. well it's not. Often when a situation happens that hurts you, angers you, leaves you gasping at the cruelty of it, it is almost impossible to forgive. I have been in such a situation. I was left gasping, broken down and hurting. I was left so angry I could not fully express it. 

For such a state to occur, it is not a simple one time occurance of an event. This kind of cruelty takes a while to develop, expand and encircle you. It does however leave you wondering what you did to be put in such a place. 

Forgiveness in discussion with this particular situation for me has been a long road. A road I thought I had traveled down. One that I thought I seen in all its glory. I thought I had beaten this. I had reached out and accepted what happened to me. I had embraced it as the past. I had forgiven for what had occured. 

I had not.

Forgiveness though I am learning is not a one time affair in a situation such as I was put in. It is a daily choice, until eventually it becomes a true forgiveness where what occured is the past and no longer causes pain. 

So.. Today I choose forgiveness. Tomorrow I will choose it and every day after that until it becomes true. Until I can say. I have forgiven, I don't have to make a choice, it is not longer part of my daily process. 

I will pray each day for God to guide me in my path of forgiveness, of the choice of not letting the history of hurt control my actions and reactions.