I don't understand why things are happening the way that they are. I don't understand the complete and utter lack of money. I don't understand why Bert has to sleep in his car so he can go to work tomorrow. I don't understand why it took so long to find a job. I don't understand why the relationship that meant so much to me, is now broken and basically no longer there. I don't understand why our apartment got broken into, and we ended living somewhere else, that seemed perfect but was not. I don't understand why, with this pregnancy everything seems to be high stress. I don't understand why God is absent during all this.
I think of the Poem Footprints.. It was my Grandmother's favorite and up to this point I have believed it. But, I am struggling with believing it anymore. Where is God, I sure don't feel carried right now. I don't even feel like he is standing next to me. I feel like I am dragging my feet along the mud, the muck, maybe even quick sand all by myself. I feel like my husband is doing the same, usually one of us has the strength when the other does not, but neither of us have it anymore. Is that the plan?
I don't know. It just feels like we are supposed to stay in this season as other people call it, of suffering of going without, of constant struggle. Is this even a season anymore. Is it just our life. We have always believed that God put us together, he made us strong together. Our faith personally and together made our love stronger. However, it feels like now that God has either abandoned us or is just standing by watching us suffer.
I have always been strong in my faith, no matter what was happening but right now I feel weak. Weak in spirit, weak in hope, weak physically, weak mentally. Just simply weak. I know my dh feels the same.
I don't even feel like praying would help, it hasn't so far. I almost wish I had stayed in the apartment in Colton, and just deal. That felt like the right decision to leave, it felt like the right decison to leave Hollister and come here.
Was it.. None of it feels right anymore. I just hurt. Deep down to the core pain. Tears seems to come when I do anything, they seem my constant companion these days.
Father God, Where are you?