I have never felt so broken.
No matter what was going on in my life, I have always had faith that God had a plan. That he was with us. That he was the provider and would continue to hold us up. My faith has remained strong through much. This time it feels like my faith can no longer hold fast. It is no strong anymore. I feel heartbroken, weak, unimportant, un this and un that. I have never felt like this.
My babies are what are keeping me going. I am trying so hard not to stress out completely at the various horrible circumstances going on in my life right now. We prayed so hard before making this move, both of us together. We talked it over and over. We felt it was the right decision.
It felt like the previous move was the right decision. Yet, nothing has been easy in months. Nothing has been easy in years it seems. I mourn the damage and loss of an important relationship in my life. I don't truly understand how it came to be the way it is. I wish I knew how to fix it, how to go back in time and undo what exists now.
I wish so many things.. I don't understand why all that is happening is happening. Every step we have taken we have prayed and had others pray before making decisions, before taking actual steps. How, why are we here I don't know. I don't understand where God is.
I am trying to remember the Joy in Suffering and how the man who had lost all of children could sit down and write a beautiful love song to God. It is well with my soul as he passed over the place where 4 of his children has died. How could he do that. His faith must have been something that is literally out of the bible. How do you experience Joy of God in such suffering. What I am going through is nothing compared to that poor man. Yet I feel so broken down and there is no way I could write such an amazing song or any song of love at this moment. I merely feel like crying, not just crying but deep to the core tears that don't stop. I have cried and cried the last two nights. I have made myself sick from crying and sick from stress.
I even know that if I don't find a way to let go of the stress that Dominique will be the one who suffers. How do I let go and Let God. How to I stop feeling so very miserable. How do I stop trying to understand why everything is so hard right now. Things have been hard before, but I guess the broken relationship is probably a huge factor for me right now.
I know some don't understand why we are here and some feel they know why we are here in this difficult place. But, I don't. I prayed extensively as did my husband, both together and separately before moving forward into any decision. Yet. It feels like we are out on some rock or island alone without God. How can we be without God, if we called upon him in all these decisions. The simple answer is we aren't without him. I know that. However, it sure feels like we are without him.
It feels so heartbreaking here. We both feel so broken right now. Our faith has been and is being tested and I guess we are both failing that test. Because we both feel the same. We are just plugging along for our children. They are what is keeping us both looking for a way to make things better, they are the reason we keep trying. They are the very reason for everything.
I guess maybe being broken is what God wants. When you reach the state of pure brokenness, is that the way to him. I don't know. It feels like the opposite to me. I am struggling with even praying now, much less reading the bible.
How did the man who lost his children write such a love song in such a state of brokenness, I don't know. I guess that is what God wants of me. I am just not sure. I just don't know.
I only know this. I am broken now. My dh is broken now. Our faith is weak. Our faith is faltering. Our hope in the future is faltering. I ask those that pray to please stand in place for us. I ask you to hold the shield and wield the sword of faith for us. Because simply, we no longer have the strength to hold either the shield or the sword anymore. We are broken.