Monday, May 27, 2013

Short time, lots of change.

Well a lot has changed for our little family in a rather short time frame. Last October, we were scheduled for a tubal, so no more little E's running around. About 2 weeks from my surgery date, we found out that we were expecting again. It was a hard thing to accept at first, but then it was as easy as pie to realize that God was adding to our family. We are sincerely happy to be having another child. 

In November, I went to visit my sister and a friend went into my apartment to take care of something for me and found that someone had robbed us blind. Nothing was left untouched, unsoiled. I felt so violated. It was then learned that whoever had done it, had a key. They did not break in, they unlocked my apartment. That terrified me. What if I had been home with my little girls. 

So, I felt unsafe to stay there. We packed up and moved into my sisters house some 7 hours away. We stayed there until April, when we decided to go ahead and move to Texas as we had planned to do. Mr. O left first, to get a job. He had a lot of problems getting a job because he had been out of the field for so long, and while he was there. We found out he had failed the step 2 again. Worse than before. He and I had already talked about what we would do if he failed. His choice was to withdraw. Now the move to Texas was rather than being for a year, was to be a permanent move. 

I followed about 3 weeks later. I ended up staying with my mom for a little over a month I think. Hubby ended up staying with a friend because the commute from where we were living and the job was costly. We only saw him on weekends. We had not the money to move into our own place. I geared up to have the baby in OK. 

I felt abandoned by God. I was heartbroken at everything that was happening. Then God stepped in. Several of our friends sent us money to assist in us getting on our feet. They helped us move into this apartment, helped us not lose our storage with all of our stuff, helped us not have our phones turned off and several other items that required money we did not have. 

Which brings us to here, almost June. We are about to have our special addition to our family, here in Texas in our apartment. God provided an amazing midwife who would work with us financially. He provided a way to obtain a birth tub for super low cost, and he just kept at. A doula to help during the birth for a low fee, a friend to do the placenta encapsulation, and video and birth photography, a baby shower. He kept at it though, he provided furniture that was either free or super low cost and he provided someone to help Mr. O move it. 

Life is still difficult but I know that God has a plan. I won't lie and say money is not an issue still. We were so behind the ball that we are still in a bad place financially risking phones being turned off and the like. However, God has his hand on us. I know that there is a plan that is so much bigger than I can imagine. I know that my husband is struggling with what is going on but I know God will touch him and give him strength and hope for the future. 

Our little family has had a lot of tough times. However, we have something that others don't. We have faith in God. We have love in each other. We have two beautiful children and another one that will be here soon. Some people dream of what we have though they may be well off financially. If I had to choose I would choose here with my little family. I love them so very much and feel blessed by God to have them. 

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Unimaginable. Moore, OK

There are a lot of things to write about, but what is on my heart right now is Moore, Ok. The tornado that tore through that town was an F5 from what I am reading. Looking at the pictures is devastating, I can't imagine what those people are feeling or thinking.

My niece lives there and for a while we were not sure she was okay. The terror we felt, all of her family worriying about is hard to explain. She was able to get some information out that she was okay, before her phone died. There is not electricity for her, so we have since lost contact. 

I woke up this morning thinking about Moore. The town has experienced many tornado's, some bad one ones. This one was the worse. My heart is breaking for the parents who lost children, for those that still don't know if their families are alive or dead. 

My heart lies heavy for all the devastation and lose, yet thankful that those that we know that live in the area have been accounted for. 

Monday, May 13, 2013

Just when you think...

Just when you think God is not working in your life. He is .. Just when you think he is being completely silent.. He's not. Just when you think you are alone, adrift.. You're not.

God showed up in a big way through my church family and other friends today. You all know who you are. I was completely blown away. I sat down and cried. Deeply cried. Relief flowed through me in a way that I had not realized that anxiety was sitting there. 

I still feel completely taken aback to be honest. I did not expect such an outpouring of love. It was amazing, and it showed God's love through them. Just when I reached the acceptance point that this.. this is what I am supposed to experience. God and you guys showed up. 

Thank you all very much..

Home Birth

I mentioned a few posts back that I was planning a home birth. I have since moved out of California to Oklahoma. I am staying at my mother's house, but actually plan to live in Texas. My husband is working in Texas, shortly we will be able to move into our own place there.

I choose to go ahead and set up up here in Oklahoma at my mom's house just so I would have a plan in place. It feels good to know what is going to happen. Ideally, this little girl would be born in Texas (and if your Texan you will understand that desire) but I she will be an okie like her Nenna. 

I will be giving birth to her here at my mom's house with midwives in attendance. It will be a non-medicated, non-interventional birth. What does that mean? It means of course no medicine to easy the pain, of course no epidural but it also means no piticion, no breaking of my water, no episotomy. It means my body will do what it is supposed to do without an help from others. 

Of course, my midwife and her assistant will be in attendance monitoring me and the baby the whole time. They will be doing what they can to make it easier on me and they will be paying attention to anything going wrong. If that is the case, I will of course transfer to a hospital and have her there. 

It is very interesting, once you do the reading. Why don't more women do this. Why don't more women go this route, well I think the simple answer is this: We are taught to go the medicated route. The easy route. Yes, it is the easy route. Childbirth is hard work. I talked to a lot of women, and read a lot of stories and NOT a single woman who did it natural regret their decision. However, a lot of women regret the epidural route. 

The beauty of choosing homebirth is that you absolutely know you are in charge of your birth. Midwives want you to be in charge of your birth. At the hospital, they often don't want you to be because they have schedules to keep, and more patients than staff. Them being charge makes it easier on them. 

I did two epidural births with my other two children. The first one, I was happy with but it went as expected in an epidural birth. I went in labor at home of course, and saw the doctor the next day and was of course checked. Oh, your dilated to three, you will have this baby tonight. Yea, I labored for several more days. Yes, you read that right. Days. I was in prodromal labor. It means that your body is contracting but nothing occurs. It is very common in first time moms and in moms that have had prodromal with their first. 

Why does prodromal happen you wonder. I did the research this time. Since  I had also done it with my second child, not as long because I recognized the signs and went to the hospital sooner. Prodromal most often occurs in first time mothers, because of anxiety of the pain of childbirth. Interesting huh. The brain is an interesting thing. Basically according to my reading, the brain in anxiety mode overrides your body to a large degree, so you labor but your brain stops you from progressing because of fear, really.  A woman that has had a prodromal labor, will often have another one because, here's the kicker, she had prodromal labor in the previous labor. 

It can be caused by the position of the baby as well. There are things you can do to adjust the baby so that your labor progresses if that is the case, but most often it is caused by anxiety. We are taught to fear childbirth. We are often these days even being told that our bodies can't handle childbirth. Women have been giving birth for millions of  years without help, why are we believing when we are told our bodies are not made for it? 

I won't lie and say I am not nervous of the pain of childbirth. I am. I don't like pain one little bit. However, I want to do it this way for a number of reasons. I want to be in charge. I want to have this little one out of the hospital. I want my body to be able to do what it was meant to do. I want to labor the way I want to, without being strapped to a bed. Heck, I want to be able to EAT. (such a stupid rule, but don't get me started on that)

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Better Today...

I am doing better today emotionally, that is not to say tomorrow will be okay. But, today I am okay. I am trying to consciously stay relaxed. Consciously, let things be whatever they are. Let Go and Let God do whatever it is he is doing. 

I still don't understand what is going on or why.. Frankly, I may never know those things. However, today I am choosing to focus on what I do know. 

I know that sometime soon I will be holding a precious new baby. 
I know that I have amazing little girls that hold my heart in their little hands. 
I know that I love my husband very much and feel that our relationship was God given.
I know that even a bad decision can turn out right if you give it to God.
I know that I can pray about anything, even the most difficult of things.
I know that reading my bible can make me feel better no matter the circumstances.
I know that good friends are hard to come by.
I know that I am still proud to be me.
I know that I am happy for sister, that she is happy regardless of anything else. 
I know that I love all of my family, every last one of them from the bottom of my heart and only want them to be happy. 
I know that even though it feels like God is not here, he is. 
I know that I am happier here in Ok than I was in Northern California
I know that my babies are loving all the time they are getting with Nenna, and maybe that is the reason for everything that has happened. Nenna has never gotten to spend a lot of time with them. All three of them are thriving in their time spent with each other. 
I know that I love my mama and she loves me. 
I know that somehow someway this little girl will come into a mended family. I pray that God will intervene and help us make that happen. 

There are lots of things of course that I don't know. However, I know that I can keep being conscious of my mood and my stress level and keep this little miss in there until it is time for her to come out. 

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Where is God?

I am struggling emotionally in a way I have not for many years. I have not felt so without, in such a long time. I have been overly stressed for several days now, and it is now causing spotting and cramping as well as contractions. Little Miss needs to stay put for AT least another week, TWO would be better. I don't want to do go into labor early because I was stressed. 

I don't understand why things are happening the way that they are. I don't understand the complete and utter lack of money. I don't understand why Bert has to sleep in his car so he can go to work tomorrow. I don't understand why it took so long to find a job. I don't understand why the relationship that meant so much to me, is now broken and basically no longer there. I don't understand why our apartment got broken into, and we ended living somewhere else, that seemed perfect but was not. I don't understand why, with this pregnancy everything seems to be high stress. I don't understand why God is absent during all this.

I think of the Poem Footprints.. It was my Grandmother's favorite and up to this point I have believed it. But, I am struggling with believing it anymore. Where is God, I sure don't feel carried right now. I don't even feel like he is standing next to me. I feel like I am dragging my feet along the mud, the muck, maybe even quick sand all by myself. I feel like my husband is doing the same, usually one of us has the strength when the other does not, but neither of us have it anymore. Is that the plan?

I don't know. It just feels like we are supposed to stay in this season as other people call it, of suffering of going without, of constant struggle. Is this even a season anymore. Is it just our life. We have always believed that God put us together, he made us strong together. Our faith personally and together made our love stronger. However, it feels like now that God has either abandoned us or is just standing by watching us suffer. 

I have always been strong in my faith, no matter what was happening but right now I feel weak. Weak in spirit, weak in hope, weak physically, weak mentally. Just simply weak. I know my dh feels the same. 

I don't even feel like praying would help, it hasn't so far. I almost wish I had stayed in the apartment in Colton, and just deal. That felt like the right decision to leave, it felt like the right decison to leave Hollister and come here. 

Was it.. None of it feels right anymore. I just hurt. Deep down to the core pain. Tears seems to come when I do anything, they seem my constant companion these days. 

Father God, Where are you? 

Tuesday, May 7, 2013


I have never felt so broken in my whole life. I have never felt so far from God in my entire life. I have never felt like I was being punished for some wrong that I know not that I have done. I have never felt so cut off from those that I love. 

I have never felt so broken. 

No matter what was going on in my life, I have always had faith that God had a plan. That he was with us. That he was the provider and would continue to hold us up. My faith has remained strong through much. This time it feels like my faith can no longer hold fast. It is no strong anymore. I feel heartbroken, weak, unimportant, un this and un that. I have never felt like this. 

My babies are what are keeping me going. I am trying so hard not to stress out completely at the various horrible circumstances going on in my life right now. We prayed so hard before making this move, both of us together. We talked it over and over. We felt it was the right decision. 

It felt like the previous move was the right decision. Yet, nothing has been easy in months. Nothing has been easy in years it seems. I mourn the damage and loss of an important relationship in my life. I don't truly understand how it came to be the way it is. I wish I knew how to fix it, how to go back in time and undo what exists now. 

I wish so many things.. I don't understand why all that is happening is happening. Every step we have taken we have prayed and had others pray before making decisions, before taking actual steps. How, why are we here I don't know. I don't understand where God is. 

I am trying to remember the Joy in Suffering and how the man who had lost all of children could sit down and write a beautiful love song to God. It is well with my soul as he passed over the place where 4 of his children has died. How could he do that. His faith must have been something that is literally out of the bible. How do you experience Joy of God in such suffering. What I am going through is nothing compared to that poor man. Yet I feel so broken down and there is no way I could write such an amazing song or any song of love at this moment. I merely feel like crying, not just crying but deep to the core tears that don't stop. I have cried and cried the last two nights. I have made myself sick from crying and sick from stress. 

I even know that if I don't find a way to let go of the stress that Dominique will be the one who suffers. How do I let go and Let God. How to I stop feeling so very miserable. How do I stop trying to understand why everything is so hard right now. Things have been hard before, but I guess the broken relationship is probably a huge factor for me right now. 

I know some don't understand why we are here and some feel they know why we are here in this difficult place. But, I don't. I prayed extensively as did my husband, both together and separately before moving forward into any decision. Yet. It feels like we are out on some rock or island alone without God. How can we be without God, if we called upon him in all these decisions. The simple answer is we aren't without him. I know that. However, it sure feels like we are without him. 

It feels so heartbreaking here. We both feel so broken right now. Our faith has been and is being tested and I guess we are both failing that test. Because we both feel the same. We are just plugging along for our children. They are what is keeping us both looking for a way to make things better, they are the reason we keep trying. They are the very reason for everything. 

I guess maybe being broken is what God wants. When you reach the state of pure brokenness, is that the way to him. I don't know. It feels like the opposite to me. I am struggling with even praying now, much less reading the bible. 

How did the man who lost his children write such a love song in such a state of brokenness, I don't know. I guess that is what God wants of me. I am just not sure. I just don't know. 

I only know this. I am broken now. My dh is broken now. Our faith is weak. Our faith is faltering. Our hope in the future is faltering. I ask those that pray to please stand in place for us. I ask you to hold the shield and wield the sword of faith for us. Because simply, we no longer have the strength to hold either the shield or the sword anymore. We are broken. 

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Overwhelming Change

Our life has always been full of change it seems. So many things, so constant in its inconsistency. I must admit that I am ready for some constant, steady little changing moments. I know that God has a plan, and when I met my husband I was not good with change and now I just seem to go with the flow, whatever that flow is.

God has definitely changed me, he has changed Mr. O as well. We are different than we were when we met, we are so much more. God put us together and made us strong in each other and in him. He has given us amazing little girls, and another one soon to be here. They are a blessing like none other. I love how they love us and each other.

Our life together has never been easy, or even fun I guess I could say. However, it has been amazing and wonderful. I know love in a way than other people dream of. I understand things that I would never have if I had not been on this difficult and painful, yet wonderful and exciting journey with my dh and my babies.

I am overwhelmed a lot I will admit, I just have to keep remembering to Let Go, Let God. God's plan are always so much bigger and better than anything I can dream up. When I let him control things, I am always happier with the end result.

God has provided in my life many prayer warriors, and I would like to thank each one of you for standing strong against the enemy when I cannot. I love that I don't have to carry that mantle when I am not strong enough, but God has provided others to be my strength and hope. He has provided protectors with swords to defeat the enemy from winning.

Thank you Father God for my life, my family, my husband, my babies.