Monday, December 30, 2013

A Review if you will

So a new year is upon us. Part of me wants to make resolutions or goals for the coming year, the other part feels more along the lines of " what is the point" and does not want to at all. As any that have read my blog in this past year can attest, the end of 2012 and the entire year of 2013, well sucked. I won't say there weren't moments of pure beauty and joy. There certainly were. However on the whole the year was rough. 

It has perhaps been the hardest of my life. Perhaps not the hardest physically but definitely the hardest emotionally, mentally, financially and spiritually. There have been many obstacles to overcome, obstacles that return over and again. Some that feel insurmountable, some that seem completely unbeatable. 

It has been a year of constant, ever in motion change for me personally and for my family.  I can say that right now at this moment, this last day of 2013 that I am different than I was a year ago. I have a far more humble spirit, a deeper belief in the goodness of people, a tighter hold on my faith that God will see me through the storm, a warmer heart but as well a stricken soul of fear of the future and what Gods plan for me and my family is, a heart that is afraid of what 2014 might bring, but a hopeful heart at the same time. 

I am humbled daily by God's love for me and my family. He provided in abundance for my children at Christmas not because presents are important but simply because I asked him to not let them suffer in our financial weakness. He showered them, and he even provided the ability for me to obtain and create gifts for them and others that I love. He helped me teach my children that Christmas is really about Jesus and his sacrifice so that I might be able to kneel and ask Our Father to provide excess for my children, so they don't feel want at Christmas. 

Years ago we attended this wonderful church in Concord, CA named Sanctuary. In this church we learned the true meaning of family. We adored our church, we ached when we had to leave it. We searched for a church like it, but none appeared. We maintained friendships from that church, many whom I am proud to call close friends but we were unable to find such a church family again. Until this year. We found such a church here in Bedford, TX. The Mission it is called. A life of missional living is what it is about. I posted on their website asking for prayer, but in their missional ways they saw through the post to the dire reality of us at that moment. I thank God for both churches and the friends gleaned from both, for the believers I can turn to when I need prayer or even something more tangible. 

God provided for is this year in so many ways, that while this year was a trial I do not wish to repeat, I am thankful for all the ways God carried us through. From our churches, to our friends, our family, our children, the blessing of a new child born in this very home to the food in our bellies, the lights being on, the cars we drive, the Christmas tree we decorated, the presents the children opened. 

So what has this year done to me, it has changed me. I am a stronger person for it, a more honest person, a more transparent person. It made me aware of beauty of a child's smile, what joy could be pulled from a single flower growing in the sun, what faith could be pulled from the feeling of birthing a child of your womb, the simple beauty of my life. 

My life might be hard, but it is beautiful. It is God given, God provided and God lead. It is simply divine. 

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Each time

Sometimes I wonder if the lack of money in my life is a permanent thing. Oh, I am not a money oriented person, however I would like to have enough money to pay the bills comfortably, and have a little left over, I want to be able to afford things like Christmas and birthdays. 

I know it not about all that. That said, I am still sick of this permanent strain of money issues. I know money is just that, money. But, it makes the world go round. If rocks made the world go round, this post would be about rocks. 

Money causes issues in marriages, with kids, with relatives in general sometimes. We have been very blessed to have family and friends to hold us up during this long winter we are in. I know that. I am thankful to each and ever one of you who has helped us, in any way. That does not mean that I don't want this winter to be over. I want to help others myself. 

I know some of you wonder why don't I get a job if money is such an issue. Well, I would be working for childcare. I would be working to pay someone else to raise my kids. Something that I am not okay with. I would not bring home much above the cost of daycare. So, not worth it. 

I guess I have reached a stage where I just feel worn down, but life. I aam trying to stay positive but with day it becomes harder and harder. Each time I have to say no to my child, each time I must ask someone to help, each bill that gets left unpaid, each time I need something and have to search on freecycle or places like that to get it, my ability to stay positive slips a little.

Please pray for me and my family.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

How to switch to DPNs from Circular

I write down the round amounts and how they will work separately from the pattern so I don't lose my place.. (I have kids)

after first decreast round

I might have one more round, but I did not want to chance it and not be able to get all the way around. (I don't like to switch mid round in case I lose which round I am on. 

I had 72 sts on the needles when I moved them on to double pointed needles (dpns)

My regular marker that sits on the needles, it cannot be used at the beginning of round with dpns, it will simple fall off. 

I used a marker that will clip into the knit and set it exactly where the original marker was so I don't lose my place on my rounds. 

begin knitting as if you were using the circular needles, but with the dpn. Note: before you begin the switch, count our stitches that are on your needles and determine how many go on each needle. In this case it was 24. 

 I have 24 sts on the first needle now.  (if you feel more comfortable, put your holders on the end of first dpn. 

 These needles are neither working end, just to show what it looks like. 

working with the second dpn and knitting 24 sts on it. 

 pulling the sts toward the front of the circs, give them a parallel kind of look.. 

 two dpn in use, now to knit the last 24 sts off the circ onto the 3rd dpn.. (you could also break this up and use 4  dpns, knitting with the 5th, but I prefer using 3 dpns and knitting with the 4th. 

 all sts have been moved to the dpns. The circ is laying next to the work, unused. 

 you can store them like this... 


 like this if you are worried about sts falling off.. in this case I was a little concerned considering how many sts were on there and I have kids.. LOL

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Is it all supposed to be this hard?

Life lately has been less than fun. In fact truth be told it has sucked. I have no enjoyed it at all. Usually if one area is bad, another is good. This in fact is not the case for me right now. Everything is no so good. Well I can't say everything. I have my beautiful children. They are healthy, happy and truly loved. 

Most everything else.  Well, no fun at all.  Money, relationships, school, car, emotions, contentment..  All of those things are a daily struggle to find balance in. I am tired. I don't mean physically, which I am; I mostly mean emotionally. I am deeply tired. My heart hurts. I am wounded. 

Everyone always talks about seasons, and I understand this is a season logically.  Emotionally it is a different story. Emotionally, I don't want to play anymore.  I am worn out and tired of being in the winter. I feel like this is less of a season and more like I live in Antarctica. My logic tells me that all things cease at some point, bad times and good times. I am at the point of trudging day by day through the winter storm only because I have children. I don't know if that makes sense but how I feel. 

I feel hopeless that this season of winter will end. If Dr.O passes the test, then he has to take another test which includes travel etc. He is not worried about that test, but with each lack of worry comes failure, I know not how else to put it.  If he does pass it, we will move and be on an interns salary, which depending on where we live might be as bad as the 10 dollar an hour job he had before.

I know many often wonder why I don't work, why we had so many kids etc. Well I don't work because I would be working for someone else to raise my kids and for me to bring home a minimal amount of money after that. Childcare is simply expensive.  Why did we have so many kids, well that was God. No, we aren't one of those families who don't take birth control but God still intervened. Twice. In reality God intervenes all three times. I am glad I have three children, and if I had to do all this over again KNOWING I would end up here, feeling this way. I WOULD DO IT WITHOUT HESITATION.

All that said, it does not take away from my feelings and my heartache. I know what I am going through is so much less than what some others are going through, but that does not make it hurt less or cause me to feel less overwhelmed. I am a mother with three children within five years of each other. That is hard, I gotta tell you. 

It hurts to be so lacking in funds that I can't even buy a Christmas tree for them when the oldest asked for it. It did it hurt. The fact I say no all the time. The fact that she knows that EVER SINGLE THING she gets does not come from her parents, hurts. The blessing though is that there are so many that stand in my place and provide those things she needs or wants for her and her sisters. 

So while God has placed me in a difficult situation with almost daily struggles, he has also blessed me beyond measure. He has provided many to surround me with their swords and their shields now that I am too weak to hold my own.

I praise God for all that he is, and all that he provides for me and my precious little family. 

God Bless

Saturday, November 30, 2013


Today I am 40. I remember when forty was old. It seems like it was not that long ago that it was. However these days it seems so much less than old. It feels young in fact, 70 seems so much younger than it used to be. It seems a little unreal to me, that today I am 40. I have a baby that is 5 months old, that is certainly not what I saw 40 as. It is not a bad thing, just a different thing.

Things are starting to settle back down here. At least for me and my husband. Life is developing a routine. My dear fil, he has good moments and not so good moments. I wish I could make this easier for him. It is still so hard to witness or overhear his pain.

The girls are homeschooling 5 days a week. They do printables and they do tablet work with ABC mouse which is awesome by the way, if you have toddler/pre-k to 1st grade. It is wonderful. It has tons of printables, and an app to use that tracks what the kids did on it. Hundreds of songs, puzzles, worksheets, etc.  I will be at a later time be posting a lot of the free sites I frequent to assist those who are like us and struggle for money and homeschooling.

I am considering dying my hair Plum. Any opinions. I am currently in possession of dark brown and it calling me but I kind of want to do something different this time. I am talking real plum not Burgundy added to dark brown dye.. Hmmm I must ponder this for a few days. I decided upon the opinion of various others to leave off the haircut for now. I am just pulling it up a lot. I might try to find a way to wear it down if it was dyed though that will not be easy with a baby who reaches for anything and gets ahold of your hair and pulls it. Ask either of her older sisters. They will tell you.

Well my wonderful and favorite sister and my awesome nephew and niece are coming over shortly so I am off to get dressed..

Monday, November 18, 2013

Quiet but Struggling...

On the blog front, I have not had much to say. I have been quiet, but that does not mean it has been easy here. Things have been very tough, not just emotionally but financially as well as physically. As you all know my MIL passed away at the end of the month of October, it was so sad and continues to be.

The children are struggling still especially my middle child. She misses her so very much and her disappearance from our lives has made her be very clingy to me specifically. She wants to skype her, see her or just simply talk to her, to hear her loving sweet voice. I feel so sad for my baby girl. My older girl misses her too, but seems to have a greater understanding that she is with God. She loves her still but understands that she is better with God.

My dear father in law, well he is as well as he can be. I cannot fathom what his feelings are. Sadness sometimes surrounds him, his eyes reflect that pain that he feels inside. The loneliness, the aching pain of a love lost. The girls seems to sense this and sometimes just crawl all  over him.

Dr. O is in study mode. He will be taking the Step 2 in the next month or so. Keep him in your prayers.

For me, I have gone gluten free, and am in the detox stage. I am getting headaches, sometimes severe. However, my body is not as achy as it was and I don't have the same amount of gas that I have had for years.

We have geared up on our homeschooling. The girls are learning and we are learning the process together. I will post more about that later..

For those that pray, please continue to keep us in your prayers..

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Great Sadness

There are have been many tough battles in our life lately. The lack of money has been the worse. However, there is something worse than the lack of money than can happen in your life. Many of us know that but forget it. We have been made to remember that. 

My dear husband lost his mother on Thursday October 24, 2013. She has gone home to be with The Lord. We are all very saddened to have lost her here on Earth but we know she is in a better place. A place where she is no longer sick and suffering. She is in a place of a whole body and mind. 

She will be missed by many as a friend, sister, aunt, cousin, mother, grandmother, daughter and wife. She was my mother in law for nearly 8 years and our relationship was not always the smoothest and most friendly but we made our peace with each other and came to love each other. I will miss her. It feels so empty without her. There is an empty void in this family where she once stood. It is felt by everyone. 

My dear husband and his brother Ruel lost their cherished mother. I feel for them. I think it has not hit them yet. It takes a while for it hit home that you have lost such an integral person in life. It will be a hard adjustment. I can only hope that I can do something to help them.

Siblings lost a sister. A sister full of the love of God. A quiet reserved loving sister. One full of prayers for the best things in life for them. A sister who loved them, who they loved in return.

A mother lost a child. A grown child, but still her child. The pain must be respected, and prayers must be said for her mothers heart. A heart lonely for a missing child. 

The person that I hurt for the most though, is my father in law. A husband without a wife. A lover without his best friend. A two with only the one. Where there once was an us, now there is only a me. The sadness you see in his eyes, is painful to see. The longing for a person who was his everything is hard to watch. 

I ask any that read this, to pray. For each member of this family to have peace and strength in being without a woman so loved by each.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

The Realities of Life

So when faced with the realities of life, do you focus on them or go within yourself. Personally, at first I go within myself, I get depressed and hopeless pretty much every single time. Then I have to remember that I have three small children watching me and how I do things and pull myself out of it. 

I then find the positive. If there is not a positive about the situation, the positive about my life. I do have a lot of those. Granted, I do have a lot of crap to deal with and have for a long time. However, that said I have three amazing little girls that God blessed me with. No matter how craptastic it gets, I have them. 

And, maybe just maybe the crap that is my life will improve someday. I just have to keep believing that. 

Friday, October 11, 2013

A Positive Post

So.. since last nights post was less that positive and I am still feeling pretty much the same way but I am choosing to not let the negative get me in the blog again.. I am going to post some gratefuls.. 

I am grateful for...

My beautiful girls. They are each amazing and wonderful in their own right. I feel amazed each day that I am someone's mommy. I had begun to think that I would not be one when my amazing nearly 5 year came along. Each girl has brough such joy to my life. Joy I never thought possible. They can often make a bad day good, just by their laughter. 

My husband. He is a good man, who loves me. I have been in a relationship with a man who did not love me. I have been in the place of not being able to be me in a relationship. I have been abused and mistreated by the man that was supposed to love me. This man loves me and appreciates exactly who I am warts and all. 

My sister, she is simply amazing. She loves me. She sees my faults and loves me still. She has been there for me throughout the toughest moments and best moments of my life. I appreciate her. I love her. 

My Father in law. He is an amazing man. I know I have said that before, but he really is. He is a joy to know. He is special. I know he does not know that about himself, but he is. I love him. I love him very much. I wish I could help him more in this time of need. I appreciate him. He is a perfect example of a good man, a Godly man. Any man should look to him to see how it is done. 

My Momma. I am grateful for her phone calls to check on me. I am thankful that she is trying to help even though she is going through tough times herself. I am so glad she is still here. I love her so very much. I don't always show it to her but I do.

My niece. She is so sweet. I am blessed to have such a sweet person be part of my life. So many people don't appreciate the goodness that is within her, but she is a shining beacon to me. She is special. She is so loved by my family. My little girls adore their Mimi, as does their Momma. 

My nephew. He is NOT sweet. I love that about him. He is exactly who he is. He likes who he is. I like that about him. He is definitive. He is distinct. If you are blessed enough to be loved by him, call yourself lucky. He does not let many in. I am blessed enough. He is loved by my family too. My littles love their MayMay. 

My friends. I have many. Each of you, fills a need in me. There are some of you that are mentors, some are equals, and some I mentor I think. Some of you are christian, some are not. Some of you are parents, some are not. Some of you are closer in distance than others. Some of you I have met and some I have not.  All of you mean so much to me. I will not name names, you know you are. 

I am grateful for simple things too.. Like

soap and shampoo
bathtubs and bubble bath
food and the skillet to cook it in
Electricity and internet
Facebook and Gmail
DFW Crunchy Moms and Secret Crunchys
Online groups and chatboxes
Toenail polish and cute clothes
Children's laughter and dress up clothes
Netflix and Daniel Tiger
Homebirth and Midwives
Cloth diapers and washing machines
Comfy Beds and Fluffy Blankets
Ipads and Candy Crush
Yarn and Knowledge of Knitting
Woven wrap and baby wearing
Little girl kisses and I love you's 

I shall look back at this post when I am feeling down. Right now, after writing it. I am feel grateful for having so much. 

Not a positive post

You know that awesome stage in your life that you just hate it. You wonder how it got to be this way, how did you get to this point in your life. That point where you wonder what you did wrong, where you went wrong. What decision did you make that put you here. Well that is where I am.

I am turning 40 in a little over a month. Forty. Forty years old. I am going to be forty and here I sit in my bed with a very small sitting next to me, broke. I can't even afford to pay my electric bill, I can't afford to trot down to the soda machine and get a soda. How on earth did I get here.
Tonight,  that thought just keeps shifting through my brain.   

Sifting. Sifting. Sifting.

How on earth did my life become this?

I am a christian as any of you that read this blog know. Today, is not one of those positive days I usually chose to have. Today, well it is a break your heart, how am I going to continue living this life, this really sucks, I pretty much hate where my life is right now, when will God interfere and make this better kind of day.

I have cried today. Simply sat down and cried. I did not want to lose it in front of my older girls so their Aunt took them for a spend the night. V's first overnight I think. At least the first she remembers and will remember.

I needed this break, but I miss them. I miss their noise. I miss their sweet little voices saying how much they love me. Their sweet little goodnight kisses and wonderful little arms of hugs. I guess missing them will help me reset to be better for them tomorrow and all the days after that.

Tonight, I am simply hurting. I feel abandoned by God. I know, I know. He does not do that. I know he does not. However, I am tired of living this life. I am angry that this is my life. Every day for years, this is my life.

This life has gotten worse in the last few months, and I am tired. I am ready for a change. I am ready not to worry constantly about money. I am ready to go to the store and buy my kid birthday presents and have a great christmas. I am ready to buy something sweet to eat and not feel guilty because I spent a few dollars on a treat. I am ready to not worry that this or that will be turned off today or tomorrow.

I am so sick of this. So very tired. I feel beaten, worn down and defeated tonightTomorrow is another day, but tonight I feel hopeless that this so called season is just not where I live. Maybe for me, it is not a season. Maybe for me, it is just my life for the rest of my life.

Beaten. I feel like life has beaten me. Just for tonight. Tomorrow I will wake up, fight for the positivity and happy moments.

See ya'll tomorrow. If you read this. Please pray. I am beaten and cannot do it for myself.    

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Rambling, Life is hard but blessed.

Life is hard. It makes you wish you could go back to childhood where you were carefree and the biggest issue was your parents making you go to bed. You don't realize how hard life is when you are young, even a young adult. It is hard, though. Very hard. 

It can make you question all of your beliefs, question yourself and your choices and beat yourself up as well as worry constantly. It makes you wonder at everything you do and have done. 

I admit I spend most of my days making myself be positive and finding the happy wherever it may lie. It can simply be the brightness of my childrens laughter or the joy of my little ones smile. Sometimes because God moved in a certain way and made something neccessary happen. Often anymore though, it is just something simple. 

Just as simple though can be the thing that knocks me down. Something small can bring my world crashing in. I have to fight to keep from drowning under the mass of stress that seems to exist daily for me. 

As many of you know my mother in law is very sick. I worry so much about my dear father in law. I love him so very much. He is a jewel of a person. I hurt for him. So much besides the loss of his life partner of 40 years is riding on his shoulders. He is an amazing person who has a depth of belief in God that will withstand this. It does not mean it is not hard on his spirit, his soul, or his heart. 

How does life get to be this hard. I think this is the hardest time I have ever had in my entire life. Perhaps as a child when my father was dying, but that was different because I was the child without adult worries to weigh me down. This is tough. It is so hard to daily tell my children no because we don't have any money, even for a dollar store item. It makes me feel like a failure as a parent. I know that might sound silly, but it is how I feel. 

I worry about what they will go through when their treasured Lola passes on. They love her much, especially the middle little. Just tonight she said she missed her Lola. How are they going to handle such an adult thing. I know children are resilent, but these little girls have had much change in their lives in such a short time. I love them so and would make their lives more stable if I could. 

God willing this time in our life will change sooner rather than later, and I will be able to be feel less stressed and hopeless. I often have to battle the depression that tries to get me daily. However, I refuse to stop fighting to be a positive and happy person for my kids and for my husband. 

I know that life is hard. It is harder than I ever imagined it could be. Even as little as a year ago. However, something precious comes out it. My babies. God blessed me with three beautiful daughters to teach, to learn from, to appreciate their uniqueness, their joy. He blessed me beyond measure with their love. 

Things are very difficult in this household that said. So I ask, if you read this. Please pray for hope, for provision, for a shield and sword to stand guard for us. I ask that you ask God to intervene on our behalf for all the difficulties that currently sit in our life. I also ask that you pray specifially for my very special father in law, ask God to give peace to his heart. That if it is his will that my mother in law join him in heaven, that my father in law have peace with that. 

Friday, October 4, 2013


My father in law is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. I am not sure he knows how amazing he really is. He just does what must be done. I wish I could help him right now, but no one can. My mother in law is struggling to live and has seemed to have given up that will. It is quite understandable given that she has had 9 strokes in 11 years. It is hard to watch, hear about etc. 

I cannot imagine how either of them must be feeling. They have been married for 40 years. It is hard to lose a life partner in any case, but one of 40 years. That must be unfathomable. My mom said it felt like she lost a part of her that she just had to learn to live without. How do you learn that. 

Please pray for both my mother in law and my father in law as well as the rest of the family. Their two sons, my husband and brother in law. I have lost my father but I still have my momma and cannot even think of what it will be like to lose to her. I pray for them daily. 

We will also have to address it with the girls. I dread that moment. 

I have not had the best relationship with my mother in law, but we healed that relationship in the short time we lived together. I do love her because she is my husband's mother, and she is a wonderful grandmother. I am sad that my children will not grow up in her arms. 

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Some Days...

Some days are worse than others. Some of them I seem to have it together and I do what needs to be done and I feel productive and good. Most of them it seems I am neither productive or good. It has begun to feel like the crap is piling on day by day. Some days include more crap than others, but they all pile something on top of the already tall pile of crap. 

I am aware that I have a ton of positives and I try to focus on those. However, some days it is harder than others. Today is one of those awful days. Days where I feel put upon by life. I am so glad I have my children, they are my very heart. However some days I feel it is best for them to be away from me so I can be what I need to be for that day and then tomorrow I am better and able to be the mom they need me to be.

I want to be the very best mother possible and I know I fail in that often, but I am trying. Everyday. To be better It feels like with so much on me, I fail more than I succeed. I don't know if that is true but it is how I feel at this moment. 

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Stability within insecurity

The stability I have in my life, exists only in the insecurity and change that exists for me. I have craved stability for a long while now. I want to have a life that is the same every day. I know that may sound boring to some but to me that sounds like a dream that I only find at night when I sleep. 

So I have decided to try to find the stability that actually exists in my life. The only place I can find it, is within the insecurity I feel in my life daily and the change that constantly flows around me. I can say that while the boring monotonous life sounds wonderous, it is not what I am meant to have at this time. My stability comes from the instable nature of my life. The ever flowing, ever rushing changes that assaults me frequently. 

My stability is within my childrens eyes when they wake in the morning and search for my eyes and share their good morning I love yous. It comes from knowing that while everything changes for them a lot. I am a stable place for them. They always know Mommy is there, no matter what. 

So, if you can have stability within insecurity and a rushing river of change. Then I do have it. AND.. just maybe.. I would not like the boring daily life that I crave. Maybe, God knows what he is doing.. 

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Appreciation and Thankfulness

Sometimes I put my fingers to the keyboard and I don't really know what I am going to write, other times I know exactly what I am feeling and exactly what I want to share with my audience or even sometimes just a post that I want to keep for review on a later date. 

Tonight, I am not sure where my fingers and mind are going to take us. It could go many places as my life is so very complicated and overwhelming but sometimes it is easiest to make a light post about how to change a light bulb. 

But, tonight we are going to go with the heavy as usual. This blog is my vent area, it is the way I stay sane in the face of so much .. well just so much in my life. Sometimes I wonder how one person can take so much. I cannot be the first to be so completely overwhelmed by life. I certainly will not be the last. I have however come to the conclusion that though my life is not easy and it is far too interesting for my taste. It has a great many positives in it that I often take for granted. 

I sit and watch my father in law and how he is feeling, and I feel such compassion for him. I wish I could help him in some small way but there is nothing anyone can do for him. I can only choose to appreciate the man he is and all that he does for this family. I only try to do whatever small thing he asks to make his life easier, and again appreciate him as the wonderful grandfather he is to my three wonderful children. 

It also makes me appreciate my husband, for several reasons. One of which, he came from this man. This wonderful man who is my father in law, raised my husband. My father in law is in my husband. I choose to appreciate that. It also makes me appreciate that my dh is healthy. My MIL is not so much. It is so sad to watch. I also appreciate that my husband is trying to do what is best for our family in the face of such hopelessness. 

I also appreciate that my children are healthy. They have no life threatening allergeries, no illnesses that we must battle daily. They are healthy and happy. They are fun and vibrant. They have minds of their own. They are stubborn and willful. They are sweet and loving. They are amazing little people who God trusted me with. I appreciate that I get to be their mother. 

There are so many things I appreciate about my life. So many things I am deeply grateful for. The list can go on and on. Do you appreciate your life and what you have rather that fight against it and search for what you don't have? If you fight, stop now and look around and see the wonder that is your life. I assure there are many things in everyones life to be thankful for, some of us have more to be thankful for but everyone has something. 

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Season of Life

Is life always this intersting or it is just my life? I am beginning to think it is just my life. I talk to others and they have things going on in their life but not to the extent that I do. I know some people do but on the whole most people don't have everything hit at once. 

I feel overwhelmed, and out numbered by the problems and stresses in my life. I am trying to keep a positive attitude but some days are harder than others. On some days, I am sure it will pass and everything has happened or a reason. On my off days, well I am just no fun at all to be around.

Sad, but true. 

I am ready for this so called season of my life to change. I am beginning to feel like my long winter is not going to stop, just maybe I moved to Siberia and did not realize it. I know that in this winter there have been some wonderful moments, such as the birth of each of my children. They are the reason I still feel some positivity in this long winter night. 

I am in one of my positive days today. I went to church today which always helps my mood, I did not really get to attend the service due to my middle little but I was able to visit with some mommies in the nursery and that helped plus my Oldest little got to go to her class which she absolutely adores. 

Because I feel positive today, I feel like there is a purpose in all of this. Will I ever know what it is, maybe.. maybe not. 

God Bless and may God's purpose show in your lives. 

Friday, September 6, 2013

Just mutters.

Life has never been easy, but lately it seems that it is the hardest it has ever been. I am not sure why. I have a million questions as I always do. I often am aware that just because I feel something it does not mean it is true. Perhaps I should rephrase that. Just because I think something does not mean it is true. Feelings just are, they are not right or wrong. 

Lately though I feel like that poster that says that several days ganged up on me and hit me at once. That pretty much sums up how I feel right now. There are so many factors and issues going on in my life right now. Some I am willing to talk about her and some that I am not. Suffice to say, Life sucks at the moment. 

Dr. O left for another state to study for the hated and dreaded test. COMLEX. Those letters stand for something other than what they actually stand for, to me. To me, they stand for something along the lines of Complicated Offensive Miserable Lengthy Excruciating Exam. Yea, those words are an apt description I think. 

Let's see if it wins this final round. I hope not for Dr. O's sake. I have stopped caring one way or the other. I just want him to be happy in his day to day life, which seems to be impossible lately. 

Elle is nearly 5, and learning and growing so very much. She amazes her Momma constantly at how brilliant to use a term she uses a lot, she is. She is simply amazing to me and I am astounded that she is my child.  

Bean turns 3 in a couple of weeks. Three. How did she get to be so old. She is also extremely smart. A couple of days ago, she was hungry. She opened the fridge, took out a boiled egg and peeled it. She then brought it me and said. "Mom, can I eat this boiled egg, I peeled it already" Umm yes Beanie. 

Little is getting bigger, nearly 3 months old. So cute. She just filled my heart all the way up to the top. I thought it was filled by my older girls, but it was not. It needed her to be filled to the top. 

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Is it darkest...

As I sit here in the darkness of my room watching my children sleep I cannot help but wonder what the future brings for my family. So many changes have occured in a short time and more changes are to come. So harder than others, but all changes require adaptation. I am feeling rather weak of will lately. 

When I say weak of will, I mean that I am not feeling strongly pro for the upcoming change of Dr. O leaving us for 2 months or more. I am actually feeling decidedly negative in regards to it. I don't like being away from my husband for a night or many nights. Oh to be sure, I am capable of it as I have done it many times, but I still don't like it. 

He will be leaving to study for major test he must pass to become a doctor. The COMLEX. The mere sound of that word or name makes me shudder. I hate the word COMLEX. It requires capitalization not just because that is how it is spelled as it stands for something important like College of Medicine Lengthy Excrucation (yea I made that word up) Exam. It also is capitalized because of what it has come to mean to this family. It means time away from Dr. O, fear of failure and what that might me to this family and whole list of other things I dare not mention, lest I call them into play. Silly I know but the COMLEX strikes fear into my heart. 

We have at most 3 more days with husband and father. The oldest understands he is leaving, she seems to be doing okay with, she is only slightly more clingy and more verbal of the I love you's. She understands he is going back to work to be a doctor. There is much she does not understand of course, but she is a smart little girl in that she understands that he must leave FOR us. The middle one, well she understands to some degree that Daddy is leaving. She does not understand really the why's and in some cases even I have moments of not understanding. Silly again I know. But there it is. The baby will hopefully not forget her Daddy because nearly two months is a long time for a baby. 

I sit here tonight, alone in the room with my children and hope this plan of God's will bring us to a better place financially because I am tired so very tired of the lack of funds this family faces. I don't like the place we are at now at all. I am trying to do my very best to be the supportive wife I know the medical student needs right now, but there are moments that I struggle with that. This is one of those moments. 

I ask this of my readers whoever you may be. Please pray for me to have the ability to handle the coming months with character and resolve, that I will have the strength of will to get through the months well and be what my children need me to be. 

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Who am I ?

I am beginning to feel that in the midst of being a mommy and supportive wife to a medical student, that well I have lost myself. Is this true? It could be true. However, the question that lies on the table staring back at me is... Is it true.. Am I no longer C.. Am I merely Elle, Bean and Little's mommy? Am I merely Dr. O's wife? Have I ceased being just C? Those are deep and thoughtful questions... Are they true? 

Have I ceased being me apart from my roles and labels? 

Well lets look at the roles and labels... Wife, mommy, daughter in law, sister, daughter, aunt, teacher and friend...

Wife....Medical not an easy role. I would say my most difficult role is this one. I love being wife to Dr. O but I hate being a medical spouse pretty much on every level. I will grant that this is the label that provided my meeting 2 of my 3 closest friends. However, that said I still don't like this role. It comes with a great deal of baggage. Weeks, heck months away from Dr. O. It has made me the sole parent on my occasions, it has left me alone to deal with crisis after crisis. It has caused a severe lack of money and time. I have on many occasions said to any that will listen ... I hate med school and I can unequivocally state.. That is true. I do hate it.

Wife..minus the med school part.. Pretty easy gig. Smile, kiss, deal with daily house stuff.. Eehh doable.. Sometimes annoying and sometimes absolutely awesome.. It is probably my easiest role. 

As a mommy, I am everything to my kids. I like that on some levels. It is interesting being so important to someone. A kiss from a mommy fixes an owie, a hug soothes a hurt little heart, an I love gives reassurance that no other can provide, just seeing me provokes a smile and a giggle. It is the best job on earth. I love being mommy. The other side of mommy comes with less than fun duties. As a mommy, I am sleep soother, food provider, referee, disciplinarian, and a few other things. It is however, with its good and bad my most fulfilling role. As I stated earlier I love being a mommy. To clarify, I love being Elle, Bean and Little's mommy. It is the best thing that has ever happened to me, bar none. 

Daughter in law.. A far more complicated role. It has struggled in the past to be an acceptable role. This label has been fraught with injustice, anger, fear and a lot of tears. Recently though, it has settled in a role of love and thankfulness for them. It is a role I am glad I have even with its difficulties. 

Sister, very nearly my favorite role. I love having and being a sister. I have been blessed with a pretty spectacular sister. There are many who would be envious of me having such an amazing sibling. There are just as many that love to see my relationship with my dearest sister. She is my sister by blood and by choice but I am very blessed that she also my friend. In many circumstances, my closest friend. 

Daughter ..this one has been an uneasy relationship for much of my life. It has been plagued by drama, uneasiness and uncertainty.  It is only lately, that I can say it is simpler and easier. It is only in the past few years has it been filled with a certainty of love and assurance. It is also now become a relationship of concern and worry for my mothers health. 

Aunt.. I love being an Aunt and I can say I have always loved being aunt to the m&m's.. They were both awesome kids and grew up to be amazing adults. Being an Aunt is what made me desire to be a mother so badly. I loved and love those kids so much, I actually could not fathom loving anyone more when I was young, then I had kids. They have been a blessing to me and I hope they know it. 

Teacher... This tag is in conjunction with the mommy role. I became a teacher the minute they were born. There are so many lessons they learn that have nothing to do with school and it is your job as their parent to teach them. Sadly, sometimes I fail miserably but other times I feel proud of myself and them. To that role, I have added Preschool and Kindergarden homeschool teacher. This has been a challenging and rewarding role that I am adjusting too. It has caused me to learn new information and new ways of doing things, but to also find that I love to teach. Amazing what we learn huh..

Friend.. This has been an important role to me. I have many friends. Each one has a special place in my heart. Each friend offers something different to me. I hope I am as good a friend to them as they are to me. I know that sometimes I go wrong in this role but I try to succeed more than fail. I know that as a friend, sometimes you mentor and sometimes you are mentored. Lately it seems a lot of mentoring me is going on. I need to make sure to give back as much as I get out of my friendships.. I love all of you . Every single one of my friends has given much to my life and continues to do so. 

So back to the question at hand.. Have I lost me?  I think the simple answer is yes. I have. Perhaps not wholly, but to a large degree. I have become dependant on others. I am not making the choices that would make me happy more often than not.  I choose to give instead of take. It is good to give, but sometimes you must take to remain yourself.  I am not doing enough of that. 

Now that I have reviewed and answered my own question. The thing staring me in the face is.. What are you going to do about it? That however is another question for another day... 

Monday, August 26, 2013


We have started our first official homeschool year. At least official to us. The girls birthdays fall in such a way that Elle would not start for another year in Kindergarden. I did the research online and she is in kinder rather than preschool. I have been working on having papers to do, obtaining school supplies (you just gotta love the dollar store for that), making lesson plans etc. 
We are currently on break right now and they are playing. They don't want to eat right now. So I guess we will break when they are hungry. 

Today has been a serious learning curve for momma. I  had to make some stuff up as I went especially for Bean to learn shapes and colors. We are going to have to get some coloring in for ABC.. instead of all the lined abc stuff we have which fits Elle's needs. So I guess later after class is out.. I will do some looking around and find and print some of that. I used a lot of that for Elle. 

Baby D stayed with the grandparents while we were in class. That was awesome especially given it was the first day of school. She was pretty good too. 

First day of homeschool over.  I felt like it was a success and very excited for all the stuff we are learning. It wa definitely a learning curve as I mentioned before. Hopefully the rest of the week flows a little better for this teacher. I am sure it will be more of a learning curve for me. I did finish my lesson plans for the week today, and I am guessing there will be changes made as I adjust to being a kindergarden teacher, while also teaching preschool. 

Saturday, August 17, 2013

More comments of change.

Well, as I wrote last post. There was a big change coming that I was dreading, a change that I struggled to accept. I have reached the point of not fighting it.  I still don't like it. I do, however understand that for us it is a necessary thing. I don't know if I have reached an acceptance point yet, but I am working on that. I am actually working on more than that. I am actually working on going past acceptance into happiness for this change. 

It is a great opportunity for us. It can mean a lot more freedom for me as a person and a parent. It can bring more freedom to dh and I as a couple. It can bring more dates and just more joy in life in general. It can bring more heritage to the children and it can certainly bring more love. It will bring more of God's love to them. 

God has a plan for our life. I have always believed that.I believe it now. And. I believe this is part of that. 

Change, whether good or bad if often hard. Especially for this medical spouse. One would think that me being the wife of Dr. O for so long would have made me a natural at dealing with all manner of change. Yet, even after so many years of constant change I still struggle with it. I crave stability. I want to touch stability with my fingers and revel in it unchanging self. Yet that is not for me. 

Many people say that God does not give you more than you can handle. There is another saying.. That God does not give you more than you handle, I just wish he did not trust me so much. However, I believe different. I believe that God does give you more than you can handle. He does this for two reasons. One... So that you must turn to him to give you the strength needed for the situation. Two.. to make you even stronger. If he never pushed you past your current limits, you would not become stronger and more capable as the years passed. 

There is a reason older people are wise. They have experience of a long life. They have been pushed past their liimits many times over. 

and if I am lucky.. Maybe, Just maybe someday I will be considered wise. 

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Accept it or Fight it..

I have not really announced this .. but Mr. O is returning to medical school so we will call him Dr. O again. He has to take the COMLEX CK and COMLEX PE and one rotation. He will be leaving our family for 9 weeks in 6 days. He will be staying with a friend of the family states away. We have determined this is the best way to insure success. It is not something I want for certain. I don't like being away from my husband. 

His father and mother have moved in with us to help not only financially but so that I don't have the onus of three kids and no help. I am grateful. It will be easier handling life with three smalls with another couple of adults around. 

I have been struggling with depression lately. I don't think it is postpartum, I think it is simply too much change in too short a time frame. Any person who has gone through as much change as I have in such a short period would struggle I think. 

However, as I have stated before if there is any kind of constant in my life. It is change. I am certain there are others like me who change has to become a friend or it will eat you alive. That getting a short time of stabilty has to go far. That change is a must, it is a constant and it must be your friend. You must learn to appreciate it and accept it quickly. 

I am still slower at accepting and embracing that I would like to be but I feel I am probably better at it than some. It is still hard.

I think I could accept a lot. I think the hardest thing for me right now.. Is the idea of such a long separation from the man I love. 

Monday, August 5, 2013


Forgiveness comes in many guises. One would think it is cut and dried. It sounds like it is, doesn't it? But.. well it's not. Often when a situation happens that hurts you, angers you, leaves you gasping at the cruelty of it, it is almost impossible to forgive. I have been in such a situation. I was left gasping, broken down and hurting. I was left so angry I could not fully express it. 

For such a state to occur, it is not a simple one time occurance of an event. This kind of cruelty takes a while to develop, expand and encircle you. It does however leave you wondering what you did to be put in such a place. 

Forgiveness in discussion with this particular situation for me has been a long road. A road I thought I had traveled down. One that I thought I seen in all its glory. I thought I had beaten this. I had reached out and accepted what happened to me. I had embraced it as the past. I had forgiven for what had occured. 

I had not.

Forgiveness though I am learning is not a one time affair in a situation such as I was put in. It is a daily choice, until eventually it becomes a true forgiveness where what occured is the past and no longer causes pain. 

So.. Today I choose forgiveness. Tomorrow I will choose it and every day after that until it becomes true. Until I can say. I have forgiven, I don't have to make a choice, it is not longer part of my daily process. 

I will pray each day for God to guide me in my path of forgiveness, of the choice of not letting the history of hurt control my actions and reactions.  

Saturday, July 20, 2013

The one constant in my life

If I have one constant in my life, it is change. I think I may have written about this very fact before. It does however warrant another mention to my mind. It seems to me just when I get good and settled into a routine, it must change. 

My life such as it is has been one long changing motion for years now. When I met my dear and wonderful husband, I was not a fan of change. In fact, I will go as far as to say I hated it. I hated any change good or bad. At the very same time, when I knew change was coming I wanted it over and done with. I did not want to wait for it, as  you often have to. I did not embrace change at all. 

I cannot say I embrace it now either. I am however adept at accepting it. Life has been ever changing for years now. I can't say I like it all that well most days. I have begun to see the merit in good changes though. I even sometimes can see the merit in not so good changes. 

There is another changing blowing in the winds of my life right now. I am not yet ready to embrace it or even accept it. I am working towards that, simply by the act of writing in this blog. This particular change brings some serious challenges to mind. I am not ready to say what that change is, but rest assured it is a very challenging one. It is a change that will affect daily life. It will affect my entire family. It will affect how we go about our routines. 

I must embrace it. I must accept it. It is something that will occur, that must occur. 

Thursday, July 18, 2013

It's about to get interesting...

Life, if is isn't interesting enough for us, is about to get even more interesting. Mr. O will be returning to medical school it appears. We are waiting for the final okay from his school, but it looks like a go. I am very glad on one hand. I know he loves medicine. I feel like he is supposed to be a doctor. Everyone seems to feel that way. I want this for him. 

To that end, I will do what I have to do to make this happen for him. However, I will also admit I am nervous, very nervous. We have talked and made some very hard decisions on what path we must take to allow him to study and really get the stuff into his head so that he may pass step 2. It entails him leaving and staying with a friend in California for 2 months. How will I survive. I know I have done it before but it was awful last time. 

I just have to buck up, and embrace it. I know that. I guess this blog is me doing just that. I will miss him but it is really not that long in the scheme of our life. The girls will miss him, especially V I think. However, what must be done well it must be done. 

We won't have daily contact so that on days I am having a seriously bad day, he won't know about it. It won't throw him off mentally. That is why we are having him go so far away to start with. I won't be able to call him home and he can stay focused on what he needs to be focused on: school. Our family will adjust to this. 

I will say that while money has been tighter than ever lately, I have enjoyed the normalcy of him coming home every night. I have not had to deal with call or him being out of town on a rotation or any of the other lovely stuff that comes with working in a hospital. I have throughly enjoyed our normal life. I knew it would not last though, which I guess is why I have enjoyed it so much. Beneath it all, I knew he would return. 

So once we get the final okay, our medical journey begins anew. Those that pray, please add us to your prayer list. 

Tuesday, July 16, 2013


Three kids.. Who knew. Well obviously God did. It seems like so much change has happened in my life in the last 8 years. When I review my life, it does not even resemble what it did 8 years ago. It is quite amazing to me, just how much change has occured. 

I certainly never imagined 10 years ago, that at 39 I would have just given birth to my third child and be living in Texas again with the love of my life. I never expected I would have three amazing little girls who fill my heart with such joy. I had no clue that being a mommy would fulfill me in a way nothing else ever has. 

I had no idea that I would be so in love with my husband of 7 years. That my heart would still flutter when I see him. That cuddling next to him in the mornings would be such a wonderful feeling. I did not know that having him come over and love on me would still mean so very much to me. 

Sometimes difficulty I know arises because there is a greater plan. That you pass through the fire to accept or to even choose the path that God wants you on. It does not make it easy that is a fact, however it is easier to see it when you are lookin for it. 

I would have never imagined when I got divorced all those years ago, that it would lead me to this place and this time with three beautiful children and an amazing man that I call husband. 

Regardless of the finances, I am blessed. 

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Birth, plus a whole lot more..

Birth... It was a life changer when done the way God intended. I am so proud of myself that I did it without once whining about going to the hospital. Granted, even if I had. I would still be proud of me. It was not easy, but it was empowering and life-changing. I feel stronger somehow for doing it. It is hard to describe but like I am more capable somehow.

D is 16 days old now. We had some issues with nursing due to really bad cracked bleeding nipples. Oh man, it took dedication to keep nursing. On top of that, each time I nursed was the awful horrible afterpains. They were in my lower uterus and in the groove of the muscles in my thighs and knees. Heat helped but at first we had no heating pad. Only through serious belief and dedication to nursing did we make it past that week. Every latch was painful, and every session seemed to last forever and be full of pain. 

I have to say it was the hardest time I have had nursing. I have a friend that put it like this though. With your first child, you have done all the reading and are very careful about getting that good latch. You pay very close attention. With your second child, you a little less focused on that latch because you have another child to focus on, oops bad latch. Third child, yea a lot less focused on that latch because you now have TWO other children to focus on too.. and so on.. The more children themore likelihood of a bad latch AND I agree with her. 

Now I am going to address an issue which is mostly taboo and not really talked about. Hemmoroids. Holy Canoli, those are un-fun. They are common after childbirth. They make an already unhappy area, even harder to deal with. They are so painful. I developed a rather nasty one about two days after D was born. I ended up in ER for the pain, and while they were not overly helpful in that area. They did give me a prescription to help constrict the blood flow to shrink it to make it not so painful. Anyone that has to deal with this issue has my sympathies. It is one of those things that others go through but don't talk about. 

I do have to say though, that this recovery from childbirth has been my best yet. I often feel so good I forget that I am still recovering from childbirth and then do too much. I really need to just remember I gave birth two weeks ago. I remember just fine when I have done too much. 

With D being 16 days old, and having a 4 plus year old and a 2 plus year old. I am tired. a lot. They are a lot of work, but they are amazing little people. I would not change being a momma for anything. I will admit there are days, when I would gladly drop them off for the day and go get my nails done. I believe having those moments and following through though, just makes me able to deal with the days all the better. It makes me have more patience and understanding for my children when I am not completely emptied out of self-care. 

I will admit I forgot how much work a newborn is. I am used to having two littles that can do a lot on their own. Heck even my youngest decided she was potty trained when D was born. That was amazing and awesome all by itself. So I only have one in diapers. However, one that must be changed 20 times a day it feels like. I admit I got used to not washing poop out of diapers because V started going in the potty several weeks before D was born. L of course is old hat at the potty. 

Life is still not easy for us. Financially it is perhaps the hardest it has ever been for me as an adult. However, God always provides for us and I know he will continue to do so. For those that pray, please keep us in your prayers as we need them. 

There are a few more things that have changed but I will address them later. I did also want to say thank you to each and every person who has sent help to us. We are grateful, immensely so. 

Saturday, June 22, 2013

A Home Birth Story

A Home Birth Story...

My home birth story actually starts with my last birth. My second child. My first birth was the normal US birth. A hospital epidural, pitiocin birth. It went as expected. I had an episiotomy, it was what I wanted. 

My second child, I wanted all the same things. I was hoping for epidural and no pitiocin though. However, everything happened the same way. Except how I was treated. I was treated like I was unimportant, to be got to when they felt like it. I was not in control and I was made aware of it. 

I came away knowing that if I ever gave birth again, it would not be like that. 

Skip ahead, 2 years and I found out I was pregnant again. I knew I did not want to go through the same bad experience as I had last time, however I was not certain about unmedicated. I was taught to believe that I should do that, why go unmedicated, when you can have meds. 

However, I began to research different things. I still was on the path to hospital epidural etc. Then our circumstances changed. We moved to Texas where I knew there was a large unmedicated/home birth network.  Somehow that move made me want an unmedicated home birth. 

I was told about a birth class that I should take. Birth Boot Camp. I took the class online. It was amazing and informative on so many levels. I even began to realize that the class I had taken with my first had geared me for a medicated intervental birth. As I watched each video, I became more certain and more aware that I could do this and I did do it.

My labor story starts weeks before I had my baby girl. I was one of those women that contract for weeks before actually going to into labor. I even had a false start the week before, where the birth team was called in and I labored for nearly 24 hours and STOPPED.  

I continued to contract daily. However, nothing firmed up. Then nesting hit. My desire to clean my house top to bottom was overwhelming. I HAD to do it. I did do it. Everyone kept telling me that I needed rest. I was going to need it. I knew they were right but I could not stop cleaning, arranged etc. 

The next day I felt awful. I was exhausted, grumpy and nauseous all day long. I was so weak, I could barely function. I contracted on and off all day on top of all that. However, they were on and off, some intense and some just there. 

I went to bed earlier than usual because I was so tired. I was woken up around 3am with contractions. I will call them unfriendly. I knew this was it but I was afraid to really KNOW that given how many days and weeks and one false start I had had. So I labored alone for about an hour. I finally woke my husband around 4am. I also started timing them around the same time. 

Around 445 I called my sister who was my coach along with my husband. I asked her to come over. My youngest child kept waking up and I needed someone to take care of her and someone to be with me, because the contractions had gotten bad enough that I needed assistance to get through them. 

I also called in my birth team at this point, because upon reviewing my contraction list, they were 3-4 minutes apart and becoming increasing painful and hard to handle. 

While I waited for everyone to get here, I decided to take a warm bath to help with the contractions. My neck was hurting really bad and I was hoping that the water would help that as well. It did. I stayed in there until everyone arrived. Around that time, I did not want to be in the tub anymore and I wanted my swimsuit on and to labor with help and the birth ball. 

I spent some time laying over the ball, and holding my husbands hands. I began to get really nausous. Each contraction seem to make the nausea worse. My back also started hurting at this point. It was not too bad though, most of the pain was in my neck and lower uterus. 

I finally decided that the ball was at fault for my continuing worsening nausea. I stopped using it and labored on my hands and knees for a few contractions. I was becoming pretty tired at this point and the nausea had not gone away. Finally I threw up. Oh man, I felt better. 

I wanted to lay down then. I laid down and labored on my side and wanted my sister to lay with me. She helped me through contractions and I rested in between. They seemed like they were a little further apart, though a little harder to handle laying down but I was so tired. 

Then my midwife, Mercy, wanted me sit up, because I am sure they were spacing out. I did not want to, but I was ready for this baby, so I sat up. I don't remember exactly what happened after this. 

I know at some point, I began to get real back labor. It was awful, it was so painful and then it got worse. I needed support on my lower uterus and pressure on my back. The pain became so much, that I could not longer make any sound. I had to internalize. I became quieter and quieter. It felt like the pain was unbearable and there was very little break in between contractions. I wanted to stand during contractions but felt I had no ability. My sister or my husband mainly but others also would hold me up during a contraction and sway. When I say hold me up, they literally did. My amazing doula, Megan was also using the reboza scarf to pull in on my uterus and my back as well. 

I was not holding myself at all. I wanted them to hold me up and sway with me. I was saying nothing. I was only breathing, and I think moaning every now and again. I had a chant going on in my head. "God made my body to do this" and " I can do this" I chanted each contraction silently. 

What everyone thought was labor slowing down, was actually transition labor. I was so quiet that no one realized when I was really having a contraction and how bad they were. 

At some point, I believe my midwife wanted me to sit on the toilet to have a few contractions. I did this. I did not want to but I did it. I was a couple of contractions in and I began to feel the desire/need to push. I tried it a couple of times before I even mentioned it to anyone. 

I then told my husband I was ready to push, it was time to get the tub ready. The birth tub. I stayed on the toilet while they got it ready. It did not seem long. I got in the tub. It felt amazing. However, my back labor had gotten so bad, that I began to verbalize on it at this point. 

I pushed a few times in the tub alone. However, my back was hurting so bad with each contraction I could barely focus on pushing. I asked my husband to get in behind me to give me support on my back. ( I probably did not ask but you know) He got in and that helped a lot. I began to get louder and louder with each push. 

Then my midwife told me I had cervical lip and I needed to get on my hands and knees for a few contractions and not to push. I did not want to do this either, but I did it. 
When I finally got back into position with my husband behind me, I had almost no cervical lip.

I began to push in earnest at this point. I started off by holding on to the handles in the tub, but then holding my doula Megan's hand and the student Midwife's Stephanie's hand. I would pull against them with each contraction and each push. 

I was not aware of much except getting this baby out. I was ready for this to be over. However, I could hear my oldest child giggling. It was an amazing little thing that spurred me on. And, with each push I got louder and louder. I was using the power in my voice to give power to my body. 

The ring of fire hit. Oh my gosh. I knew though that this meant, I was close to meeting my precious child. It gave me more strength to continue. I began to really bear down to push, using my voice and my body with everything I had. Her head came out, and one more push and she was out. 

I had given birth to my beautiful unexpected baby girl. I was so happy. I felt so empowered that I had done it at home and unmedicated. 

It was not over for me though. I still had to deliver the placenta. That was another 3 hours. It would not detach. I took various herbs to try to make it. No, nothing worked. My midwife began to mention pitiocin shot. Oh  Heck no. I had done the reading on that shot, I did not want that. 

I actually began to get truly frustrated and losing my focus entirely at this point. I began to cry. My sister came over and told me to focus, repeatedly and it worked. I settled back down. 

Then it was decided to go ahead and put me into a herbal bath with the baby. I was still struggling with the horrible back pain though, and the baby could not stay in long with me. I was in the bath a good while, and still no placenta. My midwife told me we were going to have to take the pitiocin and if that did not work, go to the hospital. 

I did not want either of those. At this point, I prayed. I asked God to intervene and not with pitiocin. I almost immediately began to contract pretty intensely. I beared down with all my might, and gave birth to 3 hour placenta. 

I did it. I had an amazing home birth. I did it all without meds. I also recovered faster than any of my other births. I can say I loved my experience. I understand why women do this. I have never felt so empowered, so strong.