Today I realized I had to mention to my husband the need to study. I felt like he was only giving school and us, 50%. He was trying to spread himself out between the family he loves and the job he desires. He has worked so hard to get where he is. I don't want to him to spread himself so thin that he is not doing what he needs to do to succeed in his job.
I hated saying it. The reason. Because by saying it, I was telling him he had to drop us down from 50% to somewhere around 25% or less and move school/work up by 25%. I was telling him that he needed to focus on THEM more. THEM being rotations. THEM being the HOSPITAL. The BANE of my existence. I had to tell him to focus on THEM more. Do you have any idea how much that sucks? Well let me just tell you with great sarcasm that is was lovely! It was awesome!!
I want him to succeed. I don't want him to have worked so very hard for this thing and not obtain it because he was torn between us and them. I don't want him to fail to be able to match because he did not spend enough time studying. I know he loves us. My children know they are loved by their Daddy. I know that my husband loves me more than I can imagine. Because of that, I must step back and let THEM have him for a while, granted a LONG while. But, I must.
I am sure I will be here in a few days, or maybe more if I am lucky, ranting about him not being around. However, that is the fact of medical school, residency etc. It is a thing to accept if you are the spouse. I am choosing to accept and to support. I choosing to rally my husband when he needs against my own wants. I am choosing him and his happiness because in the end, he desires this thing called medicine and because he loves me and would choose me over it, I must choose it over me.