Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Do you ever feel....

At this moment, I feel like I am drowning. I am certainly drowning in my lack of understanding of the situation. I don't understand the plan. I don't know where we are going and I don't know where we are going to end up. I don't like this floating along on a piece of broken driftwood and not knowing how long it is going to keep me and my family afloat.

I am not certain of anything anymore. I am confused by life. I am feeling overwhelmed by it all. I do feel like I am on the losing end of it sometimes. I am oddly just as certain that this is where I am supposed to be. Is that odd? Does that make me odd?

 I am scared I will honestly admit that. I don't know what direction we will go. I see the fork; but feel like I have no choice in which path we take. I don't want a choice to be frank. I want God to make that choice. It is to scary to make on my own. God alone knows where he wants me to go and how I will get there. I just need to trust him to take me there.

I feel like that footprints poem.

Footprints in the Sand
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. 
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. 
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.

This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,that if I followed you, you would walk with me always.
 But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”
Mary Stevenson, 1936

I am choosing to believe and I am choosing to be positive!! I am choosing God!!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

General Surgery.. has been so .. UNFUN..

My husband is on his last few days of his general surgery rotation. I so far have hated it. He is almost always at the hospital and when he is home, he is either eating or sleeping. I miss him. I know that what we are experiencing now is just a small taste of what residency will be like. I am so not looking for to that year.

My oldest daughter has taken to asking for Daddy especially during her night time routine. She loves him to read to her. She misses him so, she will ask for him throughout the day. She has even brought me the phone and said Daddy. The kid of capable of calling him, so I am sure at some point in the near future she will just call him. I tell her he is at work, but him being gone for a day and a half I don't think she understands.

It is hard for me to explain to a 2 year when I have a hard time explaining it to myself. It is hard making it okay for my little adorable daughter, when I am having a hard time making it okay for ME. I miss him too! I have even gotten to the point where I enjoy the sound of the man's snoring. I NEVER thought I would say that. But here I am saying just that.

I hate being alone in this house without him at night. I realize just how secure he makes me feel. I feel protected without even realizing it. I know I am safe whenever he is around. I miss him kissing me and telling me he loves me as he walks out the door. I miss hearing his voice.

I know that it is probably making it harder for my girl to understand it when I am having such a tough time with it myself. I am trying to understand it and be as supportive as I can during it, however I am having a hard time. I hate this rotation and how often the hospital gets him and how often I don't.

I am sure with time you get used to this. In some ways I sincerely hope so, but on the other hand if you gets used to it, how does that affect your relationship. How does it affect the little ones who get used to Daddy being gone for days on end. I know they must adjust, as must I. I just worry in the long run how it affects US.

I should be in bed right now, but I realized that my DH will be up in a few minutes and I am not going to go to bed so I can see him before he leaves for 36 hours. If I am lucky I might hear from him before midnight tomorrow night.

Ahhh Call, I hate it!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

It's Official.. I hate Call...

My husband is on call for the second time in 3 days. I hate it, throughly and completely, without reservation. Simply put, it sucks. I am used to talking to him even if briefly everyday, yea not so much with call and I will be honest I don't like it. AT ALL.

This not seeing or AND not hearing so much as a peep is not working for me . I believe I have come a long way in accepting this way of life, however not far enough apparently to handle call with a happy or even slightly calm heart.
I did quite well all day. I waited to hear from him. Nothing. I waited to hear from him some more. Still a big fat nothing. So I texted.. nothing... hours went by ....nothing.... finally got something... almost 24 hours into call... hmpt... I hate call.
So, I am laying here awake when I should be sleeping... contemplating how much I hate it.. I know this is a big fat negative post.. but it is exactly how I feel right now...

Saturday, January 1, 2011

New Year... New Hopes...New Dreams

2011 is here!! For many of us, each January 1st brings new ideas, new hopes, new dreams, new goals. If we had a bad year, we hope the new one will be better, if we had a good year, we hope the new one will be even better. I am no different. As midnight approached I began to consider what I wanted be different this year. I decided on a few things, some I will share now .. some I won't.

I have decided to go back to school. I will make a decision and follow through by September. I have an idea as to what I want to do, I just need to firm it up. I will need to decide where to go, how to handle it with two kids, and what the exact degree I want.

I am also going to try to pamper myself more this year than I did last year. I have some mini goals but we will see  how I can firm that up into some tangible.

I hope to make some other more substancle changes this year, however I don't want to go into them right at this moment.

This new year was marked by my children sleeping, one in her bed, one in her swing, my husband on a 36 hour call and me sitting at the computer playing a computer game and chatting with my sister. It was not bad on the whole, though I would wish my honey was here with me. I did talk to him 11 minutes before.

When I started this blog in June. I felt overwhelmed by the life I was in, hence the title. I don't feel as overwhelmed anymore. I am learning to be a more accepting person and to completely rely on God to get me through the tough spots.

May your 2011 be as blessed as I intend mine to be!!!