Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Believing and Learning...a look at the introspective me...

My birthday is coming up and I thought I would address some of the things I have learned in my 37 years. I have to also admit that for some reason 37 seems to be bothering me some. It is so close to 40 and while I know 40 is still young, I remember a time when it was old. This is saying something given that I don't remember a lot. My husband is fond of telling me he was the one I married one the beach. I have learned a lot in those years though. I am a very different person I think that I was even 10 years ago, and my life is certainly in a different place that it was in 2000.

I know that you have to believe in something. Life is boring, sad and  hard to get through without believing in something. I choose to believe in God. He has gotten me through and still continues to get me through very tough times. I often wonder why we have to go through some of these rough and tumble times, but I am sure at the end of the day, He has a plan. I believe that if I let God control my life, I will go in the direct he would have me go and I will end up where I am supposed to be. To that end, I believe I am exactly where I am supposed to be at any given moment.

My husband asked me tonight why the journey has to be hard. I don't have an answer but I have some clue as to why. I think each journey you take will teach you or someone involved in that journey some lesson that they needed to learn at that precise moment. God never said life was easy, and it certainly cannot be said to be so. He provided us with some amazing things to get through the hard journey though.

Things like love. So much can be said about love and it can never be enough. The word itself does not begin to describe love. I find it interesting that the English language has only one word for love but most other languages have three or more words to describe different types of love. Each kind of love is different and unique but all the same it creates a depth of feeling that no other emotion can duplicate.

Things like compassion and empathy for others. How can you go through life without feeling that for someone or someone feeling it for you. How can you feel those emotions if you have never experienced hardship and struggle. The short answer is simply that you can't. You cannot know how to comfort someone struggling if you yourself have never know a day of pain.

Things like children. I love my children more than my life. They are simply my heart. They teach you about God's love for us. You learn through them each day. You know what it is like to wear your heart outside your body for the rest of your life. You hurt with them, you laugh with them, and you love them deeply without reservation. The feeling a parent holds for their child is simply indescribable.

The last thing I am going to mention is the relationship of a husband and a wife. It is more than just love and companionship. It is hard to put into words just what it brings to life. You learn so much each day from your spouse, you can be married one year or fifty and yet seem to learn something knew about your spouse constantly. I believe through the constant learning you learn much about yourself. As the relationship has an ebb and flow so do you. God gave us another person to lean on when we are at our weakest and to laugh with when we are happy, and give joyously when we need it the most.

Believing in something and learning through that belief is what makes life wonderful. It is what makes it special and unique. It is what makes it blessed.

Friday, November 12, 2010

My little one is 2...How did that happen...

L is two. How did she get to be that old. I can hardly believe it. I become a mommy on this day two years ago. It seems ages sometimes, and just yesterday at other times. I cried like a big ole baby the first time I held her in my arms. I could not believe that God entrusted this little angel to me. I still feel the same.

She has gotten so big. She understands so much and is talking so much more. I know I will look up and she will be 5, then 10 and in the blink of an eye she will be grown. So, even though so days are tough with a two year old, I try to appeciate each day and each moment as it comes.

Money at this moment is to tight for a party, but we are going to celebrate tomorrow with her grandparents on my husband's side. I hope she enjoys her day. I wish she could see her Lala, BooBoo, MayMay and Mimi.. not to mention her Nenna.

My baby girl is two... wow..

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Tough Week...

This whole week has been pretty rough for me. I feel like the weight of the world is sitting on my shoulders, I don't know why. I know that it is not, that what will happen will happen. I find myself feeling fearful at the lack of money. I am trying very hard to not feel that way, to just believe.

The kids have been tough this week as well. I feel very tired and frazzled. I am also trying to get sick. I feel like I just need a break, maybe even to sleep. An extra 4 hours of sleep would go a long way these days. Last night I could not get either kid to go bed within a timely manner, V especially was against sleep. Today I am pooped. I was pooped yesterday, but more pooped today.

The house is not in order and it is making me crazy. I am trying very hard to put it in order, however with two littles it is hard to get much of anything done it feels. I know I am getting some stuff done but it does not feel like enough.

I am also starting to miss having friends nearby, I am making friends but it is a slow process. I miss a friend coming over and just hanging out with you talking and playing with the kids. I miss just feeling part of something, right now I am just feeling alone and not the good kind of alone.

I am sure I am just feeling sorry for myself today, it will pass. I think this week has just been a little more rough that I am capable of dealing with.

For those that pray, please pray for our family.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Changes and Hope

My life changes constantly, though there are those that would say it is the same each day. I am a stay at home mom, however I assure you this does not mean I do the same thing every day. Granted we have routines that I don't like to veer from as it makes my day more painful when I do. My day changes though based on many husbands daughters own mood..what event or chore we plan on attending/doing that day and various other things that come up.

So, when I have a bad day I know that does not mean tomorrow is bad too. It means tomorrow is a new day and hopefully better. There are days I want to run screaming from the building, but then there are days I feel completely blessed. My sister says everything is what you make it, I tend to believer her, though frankly I usually don't want it hear that when I am feeling negative. Haha. It is however, mostly true, your attitude is what makes a thing what it is. I know there are outside forces that can affect your life, but they can only adversely affect you if don't have the right attitude.

I am learning that changing your plan is needed often. Learning to accept change is needed and absolutely necessary in this med school life. I am not in school, but in many ways it feels like it. I worry about grades and tests and what the professors think. I don't have to study, or spend time at the hospital with doctor's that go our of your way to make you feel stupid, I do however feel for my husband for each day he has and how it turns out.

Just as often as worrying about school, or maybe even more often I realize that God is bigger than all of this. God knows his plan for us and that if we believe and trust in him we will end up in the right place . We are in the right place right now.We are exactly where he wants us at this precise moment and if we believe he will get us through it. Intact. 

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Some Days....

There are some days that are just not good, that all kinds of things go wrong. Today was sort of one of those days, it was not all bad. However it had high frustration. I stayed up a bit last night to get some self care in, fingers and toes painted and then it started...

Just as I was getting ready to go to sleep, and I was so tired and ready for the comfy-ness of my bed. Just at that moment, V woke up. Awesome... Okay, she is hungry; I fed her. Nope. Not the full problem. Okay, maybe gas; lets get a burp out of her. Nope. Not the problem, she was congested. I did the little squeegy on her nose.
It boiled down to fussy-ness and waking every 20 minutes or so. Until 7ish, when she woke and would not go back to sleep and woke her sister up, who was not pleased about it. It was awesome. I was so pooped.

I got up, fed the kids.. Both of them. I was not hungry, I laid down on the couch with V and promptly fell asleep. I woke up in a panic, I feel asleep with an awake 2 year old. What is wrong with me. Amazing stories she did not do anything. God was looking after me.

Hubby arrived home, I laid back down on the couch with V, and yep did it again. Awesome. He had gone to bed. But again, she did not do anything. How did that happen. God was watching over us.

I got up, ate and just puttered around. I dressed the kids and myself.  My friend Melanie came over and helped out with the kids for a couple of hours, it was such a blessing because I was so very tired, and frazzled. I was able to clean the kitchen and take a shower. Oh it was wonderful and needed. Thank you dear Melanie..

I then had to go to the bank and move money around, lets just say it was not simple. I had to go to the grocery store too, again not so very simple. Little V decided that being in the carseat was not to be had, so I had to push the cart with one hand and hold her in the other. I had to make it back to the house so dinner could be cooked for hubby before work. I did it, but it was not fun.

L did not get a nap today and so had been very cranky for a couple of hours now, So.. being the mom, I put her to bed early. HA. Some days its good to be the mommy.

I have V in the moby, am going to watch Netflix for a bit and go to bed!!!

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Self Care

It is definitely time for some self care again. It has been a while I think since I did any real self care. I have found myself getting flustered rather easily lately, granted there is a lot going on that could cause that.

Tonight after I get the kids to bed, I am going to try to take a bath, with candles and paint my fingers and toes. Let's see if we can make that happen. It would be nice if I could.

Hubby is on night float so it is just me and the kids. I am a bit nervous, apparently there have been some break-ins in the area. There was even one in my complex. Nice and Nervous over here. uuuggghhh

Well off to finish baths and night time routine.

Monday, November 1, 2010

A little less murky but still overwhelmed...

The reality of this life, is that it is hard. Harder than you can imagine in the beginning of the journey. It takes a special kind of person, that few are at the beginning of the trip. I have never thought I was that person, there are many days I hate this life. 

God though, has a plan for all things. Through the hardships is how you become who you are in him. It is how you become strong enough for the life he has planned for you. It is how you know you are going in the right direction. 

I have often told my husband I was not the right woman for him. He has always told me, that if I was different he would not be in love with me. He loves who I am, warts and all. I love him very much and this past week has taught me just how deep my love for him runs.

He has struggled with a very important decision. One that might change the course of our life. One that would not just impact my wonderful husband, but myself, our children, our families and everyone around us. It would change our friendships, our location even. It might. It was tough, but it was a decision he had to make on his own. He made it. He made his decision submitting to God, and in that end we feel he made the right decision. 

I feel so proud at this moment, that God chose me to be here for this journey with him. I am certain I will forget that statement which is why I choose to put it here, so that I might come back and read it. So that others may remind me. This life is not easy, it seems ever, but it is where I am supposed to be.

So things are not so murky anymore, they are overwhelming as usual. There is much to be done in short amount of time, and no money in which to make it through. I am certain though, that if I trust in God, he will clear the fog off the step. He has always done so and I know he will continue to do so.