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Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Self Care

So I am still on the Self Care kick... I had my haircut today. I am loving it, I want to dye it but I also don't want to have lots of gray/grey shots to go with birth story of Little sister. I attached a pic!!!
Today was another relaxing day, had one little hiccup dealing with Kaiser, and some woman who answered the phone whose IQ was questionable.. (mean but a true statement sadly) I enjoyed time with my little girl and even lunch with my husband.
My hair was cut my a new person and let me tell you I was nervous, but she turned out to be awesome all the way around. I love the haircut and I loved her too!!
I meet with a Moms group at my new church, it is hard to say MY new church.. I miss Sanctuary and it feels like I am being disloyal.. anyway.. I liked them, and will go again on the next meet...

It feels good to be feeling more like myself. I do have some things to take care that have the potential for stress, so pray for me to remain cool if they do and not let them GET me.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Stress!! Learning to deal!!!!!

Today was a pretty good day.. I did learn something today.. just through the basic need to be stress free for one simple day... Today I learned that self care is so important to me, even more so given the many situations that are hard to cope with in my life.

I really thought today about my self care and realized I have not been getting very much. It is such a simple thing, sometimes as simple as a nice bath, or as complicated as a day without children.

I have become hard to be around lately, in my opinion. It is hard for me to be around me, so I am sure my poor husband is having some hard times dealing with me. I would if I were in his shoes. He deserves serious credit for continuing to support me and love on me during this past few weeks.

I also know I am more difficult when I am pregnant on the whole. When asked what he would miss about me being pregnant when I was pregnant with L, he said nothing. I can totally understand why, and with Little Sister I have been even more difficult.

I am determined to learn how to deal with stress differently than I currently do. Meltdowns are my current method of dealing. I am fairly certain that, that cannot be construed as dealing with or coping with stress. It is more of stress getting the best of me.

I am sure I will write on this more, but as of now. I have three steps I am going to try to remember and focus on.

1. Self Care
2. Listen to myself
3. Attempt to correct my behavior when I see it.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Condensed...

Well the last few weeks have been tough to say the least. Dr. O will be starting rotations hopefully in mid July. That should be interesting all on it's own. I am looking forward to 3rd year but am dreading it at the very same time.. yanno..

Financially things are better finally, I was so very glad. It was getting pretty rough there for a a bit. We are so glad for prayer.. and of course God for watching over us..

I have noticed lately, I get so frustrated easily. Granted there have been a lot of issues to cause frustrations, the least of which is my Kaiser Insurance and ATT DSL (which has the worse customer service ever, not to mention a little bit of misleading info)

I want things to mellow out. I want to relax and stop being frustrated. I want to feel happy, rather than agitated so much.

Hopefully that will come soon!!!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Dice!!

Have you ever felt like someone picked up your life like a pair of dice and tossed it in the air... and you have to stand by and watch it fall back to earth so you see where it falls...well that is how I feel right at this moment.

Everything I though was, well is in the air...It is very scary and nerve racking to say the least... I am not sure of anything that I thought I was sure of...

I know God has a plan, I just have to believe and wait for him to show it to me/us!!!

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Life..

Sometimes there is something so novel about life, with it's hard edges and sharp corners. How do you go through this life, with all of it's hardness and not forget the soft parts. I clearly am not the person to ask.

Right now my life seems to be consumed with only the hard edges, the ridiculously all consuming hard edges. The parts you don't understand, even when you put them under the microscope. I don't know how to cope, just to be clear. I am not sure anyone would know how to cope if they lived a day in my life.

Is life all about the hard edges and learning how to cope with them. Is it about learning to deal with the sharp corners and not forgetting the squishy wonderful parts. What is life about, what am I supposed to learn when I look around and most of it ...well sucks..

I am trying to lean on God, but some days are just so hard. I am trying.. each day.. I try to see what I can't see, and all I end up is with a headache and a hurting heart.

Is this what I am supposed to feel?

Thursday, June 17, 2010

I admit..

I am feeling a little beat up by life about now. I am feeling a lot alone at the moment. I am in a new city, a whole new area. I miss knowing where to go, I miss the friendships. I miss my family. Basicly at this moment I miss everything I can think of. =(

I just wish I could adapt a little better. I guess this just part of learning to deal with the hardships of life. You would think I would know how to do this by now. It appears maybe I don't.

I have to say being married to a medical student has it's own special set of hardships that many don't understand. Though, there are many of my friends who not immersed in this that do try very hard to understand.

Heck, I am in and sometimes I don't get. Other times, I resent the *&*&**(^%$%$^ out of this life. I resent the school, the lifestyle, just about everything. But, only sometimes and oddly other than feeling angry and annoyed at his school, I don't feel that way right now.

Right now, I just kind of feel lonely. I feel overwhelmed, and underwhelmed. I feel hopeless and hopeful at the very same time. I feel certain everything will work out, and scared at the same that it won't. I know that God has plan, I am ready though to know some details.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

It is simply...

going to be okay.. This is not easy.. This no money thing... It is stressful, and scary... I have decided however, that this season though frightening.. is just a season. In a few weeks, we will be okay for a while.

I believe you see, that God is in control. He does not want me to suffer, however his enemy does so I will turn on God. I will not turn on God, I know that he is there and that he wants things to be better for me and if I believe in him completely, he can and will fix it with a miracle. I also believe that if he doesn't, that it was supposed to happen that way...

God knows what he is doing, I just have to have faith that he will uncover the fog off the step I am about to take. I am choosing to have that faith. I pray and know many that pray for us. So simply.. It is going to be okay..

Money.. and lack thereof

Wow.. I just posted but then my husband called me to tell me that financial aid will not be coming to our assistance for at least two weeks.

We are currently in the negative and have no funds coming in.. Who knew how much, no money, would impact you. We can't even buy milk when we run out.

It is another special moment for us in dealing with his school, someone fell down on their job and we suffer for it. How come it seems that nothing ever happens to them because someone did not do what they were supposed to do, and yet we end up here. No money, and no way to get any..

For those that pray, please do.. It will probably be a good 3 weeks of no funds, and many bills that must be paid, and lets not forget groceries and the like...

Today...

My daughter and I went for a walk, she in her kick back stroller, me the one walking.. errr pushing .. She so loves being outside. I put her little shades on her and she left them on and just enjoyed the ride. It was so much fun.

I have noticed one thing that seems very different here, than Northern California where I moved from is that people seem more friendly. Is it me? Is there something I am doing different? I don't know, just seems the case.

The apartment is still in a major disarray, due to the no furniture option we are currently going for. We do hope to get our furniture soon, I will be glad to start putting the apartment together, and making it home.

Hubby is off studying again today. I can honestly say I don't know how he does it. I don't think I could study like that. It has been many years since I was in school, but I am not sure I could look at the same book day in and memorize it. But he does it. He loves what he is studying..

I am considering finding the local park and walking to it, I got directions but it is a bit far, not sure Mommy is up to that kind of walk. Maybe though...

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

So...

Today, my husband left to go study at the local library. He has to study, it is part of this lifestyle. I honestly wish he was around more, it would be helpful. However, that is not to be. I am very much trying to be accepting of that fact.

I actually was doing pretty good about him leaving. I admit I get tired dealing with my little one and being pregnant, but on the whole I have been pretty good.

However, when there are issues with close family, it makes it difficult. Suffice to say I don't quite get along with a close member of the family. It makes things difficult and it makes it hard for him to focus. I wish I knew how to deal with this better. Unfortunately,this situation does exist.

I admit is stresses me out and I probably don't handle it in the best way. I don't exactly know how to handle it properly. I am resolved though, this time for it not to get the better of me.

I am off to pray about it.. God will give me the answer on how to deal with it.

Newness..constantly

It seems like I am facing new things constantly.. Here's the thing.. I am not good with new things.. Good or bad... How do I handle them.. usually badly.. do I want to.. no but can I seem to control that fact.. yet another no...

I am you see, immersed in a life that is often not my own.. I go places and do things that I is not of my choosing.. You wonder what I am talking about.. Well.. My husband you see is a medical student. It is a different lifestyle that seems to require constant change and adjustment on my part.

I decided to talk about this here.. I can at least share what it is like.. What is wonderful and what is not so wonderful...

I am wife to a medical student. It is a simple statement that means so much. There are support groups our there for us. That says something doesn't it. Do they seem to help me.. Of course .. but only sometimes...

Do I have friends in the same position.. Of course I do.. Do I call on them .. Yes I most certainly do... However, it seems as life gets more complicated and more stressful .. I just handle things badly...

Now my husband, is a good husband. However, he can't always be there. He can't support me in ways that I think a husband should a lot of the time.. It causes stress and strain on both of us.. Do I try to adjust my thinking.. of course.. Does it always work.. You already know the answer to that..

Where am I right now that is causing this blog to be created.. I am awake at 4am in a new apartment in new city, in a completely new area I have never lived. I am 25 weeks pregnant with our second child, and my little adorable 19 month is asleep in her bed.

The question is.. How will I adapt to this new life... Only time will tell.. and God only knows.

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