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Saturday, June 2, 2018

It just hurts.

It still seems so unreal to me that my mother died. My Mother. I knew she was 80. Obviously. That said, she was my mom, I could not imagine a world without her in it. I still can't and I have been living in a world without her for more than 2 months. I miss her every single day. 

Yesterday, I saw a woman with her mom doing normal things. I heard them talking about grandma. This woman was my age. Her mom and her grandma were still alive. I have neither. Both my parents are gone. All of my grandparents are gone. I still have Nana who was Mom's best friend. She is like a grandmother, so I am blessed by that. She is 93 though. This event made me feel 'off' all day long. I felt jealous of her. Her she was my age and has no idea of the wonderful things she still has. Perhaps she does. I hope so. 

Today I bought flowers for the house. We have started keeping real flowers in the living room for the brightness, the smell of spring and summer. The smell of happiness, almost if you will. The guy helping me at the sandwich counter asked me if I bought them for my mother. I simply said no, they are for the house. But, oh my gosh, the rending pain that simple question brought is unexplainable. I can't buy flowers for my mother anymore. Ever again. 

So many simple things of life, now cause horrible pain in my heart. I miss her so much and everything makes me think of her. Nothing makes me think of her. People ask innocent questions and they hurt but you have to pretend they don't because anything else is really not acceptable in our society. 

My siblings feel much the same. We are orphans yet not. We have each other but no parents. No grandparents. We are the old ones. We have no one to call when we need to hear out mother tell us it will be okay, no one to call to hear her tell us how proud she is of us. We will no longer hear her voice say I love you. All those things add up to one simple fact. 

Life without Mom is hard. It is heart-breaking. 

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

Always

This has been a rough week for me. Mother's Day. Mom has been gone 60 days in a few hours. 2 months... 1440 hours... 8 weeks 4 days.. 86,600 minutes..

It has 61 days since I heard her voice. It has been 61 days since she and I last said I love you.  It has been 67 days since I saw her last, kissed her, hugged her the last time. There are a lot more of since's... So many more...

Tonight, I am avoiding studying... I miss being able to call her late and tell her about my day and about what I am studying and why I am not interested and her to help make it interesting. I miss so very many things about my Momma. This learning to be Cheryl without Mom sucks. It feels like the very heart of me has been ripped out and I just don't know where it is or how to find it to put it back.

I am not crying tonight. That makes it almost worse. It hurts so bad that there are no tears. I have cried buckets, and tubs and even pools full of tears. It feels like I have oceans more to go. Yet, tonight my eyes are dry. The pain inside though is wracking. This pain of missing someone so dear to you is undeniable, undefinable and soul-crushing.

The only way I have gotten through this is God. I have been pretty mad at Him. He took Mom. Here's the kicker though, she wanted to go. I wanted her to go. I didn't want her to suffer, and neither she nor He wanted that either. She knew Him. She called Him. I heard her. I think even though I was made and not praying or reading my bible I was completely aware that He had me. He knew what I needed, and the pain of losing her would be so much more if I thought I would never see her again.

But, I will. It might not be soon. But, I will see my dear sweet Mom again. She is in Heaven with my Father. She is with my Grandma Culley, who was her Mother-In-Law and closest friend. She is with her Momma who she missed all her life. She learned to live without her Mom for 33 years. I must learn to do the same, but I will miss her for the rest of my days.

I will sometimes ache for her for all of my life. I will mourn what was lost with her passing always. My Mom was special, and that made me special, and it made my kids special.

I thank God every day for her, and for the precious special time I got with her at the end of her life.

Thank You Father for your gift of time to me.

Saturday, May 5, 2018

Mom


It has been lonely losing Mother. Not just because I can't call her but because of the friendships that seem to have gotten lost in the grief of her passing as well. It is lonely because those that I expected to call and see how I am, never do. They do not know what to say I'm sure but say something. To say nothing has left me without knowing that you care. Perhaps they don't care and I never knew before.

It is lonely losing your Mother. I miss so many things about her. Her sweet smile, the way her hair felt when I fluffed it. How it felt to pat her arm, and how it felt in my heart to say and hear "I love you," I miss the ability to call and ask for help. Google was only something to be used after a phone call to Mom did not gain me the results I wanted. Now, Google must be the only stop in my quest for information. I miss her calmness in the face of crisis. I miss the feeling of home she instilled in each of her children. A feeling now left bereft with no place to go.

There are days when it still feels false. When it feels like it did not happen and it is merely a bad dream. Those days are few, but the feeling of being parentless is relentless in that it still feels unreal, surreal in fact. Her death reminded me of how much I missed my father, who died long before her. I have lived a lifetime with her at ease of reach, which I did not have with my father who died when I just touching 14.

Mom was special. She was sweet, yet she taught us to be strong when it was required. I don't think sweet was who she was when she was young, in fact, I am certain it was not. But, as my aging mother, she was the sweetest thing God could have ever gifted me with. Her sweetness gave me strength and I never knew it until she was gone.

Thursday, April 26, 2018

Immersed...

I can't tell you the times I have thought to change the name of this blog. Immersed.. in a life not my own... It began in when Mr. O was in med school, but each time I think to change it. Something occurs to remind me how very apt the name is.

Right now, I very much feel immersed.. in a life not my own. There are so many things that have happened in the 4 months of this year. My mother got sick in January and my life ceased to be my own. I am so glad that God blessed me with those months and weeks with my precious Momma. I miss her more than I can ever put into mere words, yet I was gifted with time with her that many don't get.

Immersed.. in a life not my own... This feeling of riding a train that has gone off its track is undefinable. There have been so many things that have happened since Mom got sick that I would never have imagined in a million years happening and yet they have.

I never imagined that Mom would die when I was just 44. I never imagined that I would think to watch her suffer would be worse than her death. She only suffered a little bit, and for that, I am forever thankful to my Holy Father. I think if I had, had to watch her suffer for longer it would have been more horrible, yet because it was such a short time, her death was in fact harder.

The moment I learned of my Mother's death will be a moment of pure agony, true and complete soul pain. I remember it, yet it is a complete fog of nothingness. The pain was unendurable. It still is, yet you have to learn to bear that and move on.

39 days

It has been 39 days since my life changed forever. Now, I have good days and bad days. Today is a good day while yesterday was most definitely a bad day. You may ask, What does a bad day look like? I'll tell you.

It looks like bereavement. Sadness that is unrelenting. Everything reminds you of your loss. Every time you turn around you want to call or see your loved one who has left this world. You can only think of all the things that are gone from your life because they are. Yet in the midst of a bad day, you have to remember to be strong and pretend it is not a bad day because others are counting on you.  That is the hardest part of a bad day. The need for the appearance of strength. You can't just wallow in your own self-pity or depth of pain, you must get up, function and pretend that you are not sad in your very bones.

What is a good day then you may ask? A good day is where you only cry a couple times that day, probably in the bathroom away from others. So they don't know that your good day is still not what a good day used to be. You function and take care of things pretty well. Yet, your good day is still marred by thoughts of what has been lost. Again, because it is a good day you know that your loved one would want you to figure out how to move on without them.

And so you do.

But your heart, the very deepest part of you has been changed forever and your good days are you just trying to figure out who you are without them.

Monday, April 9, 2018

Never Far

Today was better. Mom was never far from my thoughts. I still had fun today. It felt odd to have fun with my Mom not be at the distance to call and tell her about today. I miss her so much it is tangible. It does feel wrong that life goes on without her. I do know this much though, it must go on because I am still alive.

I miss her so very much. Does this low ache in my heart which often turns to extreme pain go away. My mom missed her Mom for the rest of her life. I gather I will do the same. I am extremely sad that my children won't have clear defined memories of her. She will fade as they age. That saddens me more than I can say.

I guess I have to accept that my world is infinitely sadder and grayer (my husband said this) now. I will forever miss my Mother. She was a light in my life, I knew it but just not how brightly she shined in my heart, spirit and in my very core.

Hug and Cherish your Mom today, for me.

Saturday, April 7, 2018

Almost..

Today has been almost normal. It feels wrong that it has been almost normal. It is almost like I want to feel the pain of my wonderful mother leaving every moment, and when I don't it is wrong somehow. It sounds crazy, I think. I miss her more than I can even put into words. I want to be able to talk to her, see her, and all that goes with that.

My life without her has less definition it seems. I seem lost and have given my focus away. I don't know how to be without her. I know who I am, or at least I always have known who I am, what I want for the most part. Now, that part of me seems lost. The things I wanted before seem less important, and less valid than they were before.

I know Mother would not want to me to lose interest in things important to me, I know she loved me with all she was as she did my siblings. We are all just a bit lost without her silent guiding force in our lives. It was there and we didn't even know it. She was such an excellent adult parent that we didn't know that she was parenting us.

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