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Sunday, February 21, 2016

Waiting…

Waiting is hard. It is also hard having hopes dashed even though you know in your heart that was not the right thing. The hoping ... It's hard too. 

I truly believe Gid will open a door. We just have to pray and lean on his understanding not ours. We must believe!  We must continue to hope, for what is life without hope. 

Please pray with us that Gods timing for a job is soon in our timing.  

In the meantime I focus on the positive. Lovely family times spent with a man and children I adore.  

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

You don't.

Just when you think you have it figured out. 

You don't. 

We were thrown by a loop, a very unexpected loop, when Mr. O was laid off from his job. They said a lot of different things than what actually happened. He took the job without all the information, it would seem.

However, we do hope that Gods plan for us will turn this into an advantage for my sweet husband. Gods plan is bigger than our imagination. 

Friday, January 1, 2016

New Year...reflections and fore-flections

2015 wasn't a great year but it wasn't an awful year. At the time some things were happening they seemed awful but when compared to others they aren't so bad. 

This was a year of stability and hope as well as failure and heartbreak. It was a year filled with love and a year marked by angst and some difficulty. 

God covered us with his hand many times other times things happened and it felt like he wasn't there but we all know that he was still and it could have been much worse than it was. 

Mr. O struggled with finding a stable job. He struggled with finding himself apart from medical school. 

We had stress in our home. We forgot for brief moments that we were in love with each other and not the enemy. We have remember more in last two months. We hope to always remember more. 

We struggled from a heartbreaking miscarriage. One that left my body and mind in shambles. God intervened. My gallbladder was at fault for the mess left behind. 

I experienced my first surgery which was terrifying and needed. I was so scared. God covered me. He sent my momma to help me and my sweet family. 

He brought health physically and mentally to me in the last week like I haven't experienced in years thanks to the removable of a faulty damaged gallbladder. 

I plan on this next year to be healthy in exercise and eating. I plan to cook more, certainly eat more but definitely exercise more. 

It will be a year of decluttering.  The house. My mind. My car. My health. 
It will be a year of hope and dreams for my husband once again. 

It will be a year of learning for all of us. 

May our Father God guide each micro step we take this year, each tiny minuscule thought we have, every brief action we take. May he guide us in every moment of our lives. 

Welcome 2016. 

Monday, November 23, 2015

Why?

I don't know where to start, or if this will be even be posted. I recently went to the doctor. There had been a mixup or shall I say I was given bad information regarding my insurance and I thought that I had none.

The miscarriage left my body a wreck. Often when dealing with miscarriages, those that do speak of it only speak of the emotional wreckage it leaves behind. Rarely do we speak of the physical problems that woman is left with after miscarriage.

I have learned in my six miscarriages that early miscarriage is mostly about emotional fallout. A miscarriage at a later time often leaves a woman's body in the same kind of wreckage that it leaves her emotionally. 

I know I've spoken about miscarriage a great amount in my blog, that being said that's what a large portion of my life in the last year has been about.

I have been dealing with either being pregnant or dealing with a miscarriage. The time I spent pregnant is far less than the time I've spent dealing with the miscarriage issue.

The one I had last year I was pregnant for eight weeks and three days. I struggled with depression afterwards. Finally after a couple of months, I started to come out of the fog. Coming out of it took a lot longer than a couple of months but I finally did come out of it.

We discussed having a fourth child but had decided that it was not what we wanted. That was not the plan was for us though.

This miscarriage I was pregnant for 14 weeks and 4 days. Oddly I've had to think about that. I didn't remember exact day exactly how everything happened on that day. It was a fog of pain.

I haven't spoken much about how it happened or how I felt. Not even with the other person that affected the most my husband.

I thought that if I didn't speak of it that I wouldn't get depressed. I was wrong. I don't think that any woman can go through what I went through with this not come out on the other side with some sort of depression. I thought that if I fought it, that it wouldn't happen and that was sincerely unrealistic of me.

If you think that any woman can go through miscarriage and come out on the other side not depressed or not feeling sad.  Then you are wrong.

I have thought a lot about how I'm feeling in the last few days. How I'm feeling is fairly complicated. I'm tired of my body not functioning right anymore. I guess I simply don't understand why these things happen. 

I know that God has a greater plan then anything then I can imagine. I do also know that sometimes pain is part of the plan so you can appreciate the moments of joy.
I do have moments of joy when I look at my three beautiful daughters, that will never change. God has blessed me greatly in my children and my husband.

The thing that I must remember the most, is that God has a plan. That I must trust him. I must remember that he loves me.


Sunday, November 15, 2015

So Many Things...

I ... That is what my sentence was to start with.. I... It was to begin about how I am feeling ... There is so much more than that.. The word I doesn't really hold it, express it or examine it. Yes, it is about me. However, it affects far more than just me.. It affects first and foremost my immediate family, my extended family, my friends, my acquaintances and then out from that millions..

Millions,,, you may ask.. How can one blog post from a simple wife and mother in Texas affect millions. Well my blog post won't. What it is about, now that is different.

Miscarriage...   That affects millions.

There are tons of magazine articles, books, blog posts, internet articles and discussions about this subject. Yet, it is not talked about it. Not by the people that matter. Those near the women and men it happens to. Yes, it affects men too.

I had a late miscarriage in September. Everyone else has moved on. It doesn't signify to them anymore. It is over. It is done. It is past. for them. It is for everyone but me and my husband. I can't barely look at it mentally or emotionally. It hurts in a place that is almost impossible to touch.

What do I do. I focus on my children, on my husband, on my faith, on my house, on my friends. I focus on anything that can keep me from focusing on that. Yet, even if I don't focus on it, it still exists. It still changed me.

It still brought depression, and heartache. It brought change and a different path. I have read article after article on miscarriage, on how it happens, on how to to deal with it. I have read articles on everything regarding it.  Reading those articles, helps for a brief moment. It is the briefest of moments. Almost unnoticeable, so quickly does the pain cease and return.

I am here to tell you. There is but two things that help. One I have not done enough and the other I don't have enough as of yet.

One. turning to God in time of pain and hurt. I have not done that as much as I should have and perhaps I would not feel this. But, then sometimes pain is what you must feel for the next step in your life or for you to affect change or someone else. I will be doing this more.

Two, Time must pass. It happened in September. A late miscarriage. It is unrealistic to think I would be okay in such a short time for this.

If you know a woman who has experienced this. Remember this, just because it is over for you... Ask if it is over for her. It may never be. It may simply be, she needs to know someone realizes it is not over for her...

Monday, October 19, 2015

Trigger Post: Miscarriage

Where do I start. That is just a simple statement we know has so much meaning. Where do I start? The question has so much more meaning. Where do I start is usually said when you are overwhelmed and just don't know where to begin. It can be something as simple as a messy house or a huge pile of laundry or as complex as explaining the scientific answer to some problem to someone who is no a scientist. 

My where do I start falls in between the two.  Life has been hard lately. I did not post about it mostly from a very real fear that came true. 

In the beginning of August we found we were expecting. We found out a couple of weeks later that our thoughts we were further along were correct. Everything seemed fine. All the normal pregnancy symptoms. 

Then in early September we got our first ultrasound. I had never felt concern before an ultrasound before but I did this time. God was warning me. 

The baby had stopped growing and had died. We hoped we were wrong about the dates. That the missing heartbeat was a fluke. We held on to hope against hope for over a week. 

Hope for naught. The baby had stopped growing and had died. I miscarriages. My body you see had not realized this fact and had continued to grow a placenta.  

It tore my body up to miscarriage that placenta. It was definitely more painful than any other miscarriage I had had.

I finally stopped bleeding. However Everytime I did much standing or walking I would cramp and bleed again. This is not good as you can hemorrhage and have to go to the hospital. 

It happened twice. But that next morning on the second time. I passed the baby. We named him Pheonix and buried him.  (I cannot tell you why he feels like a boy) 

I have not really dealt with this. I have tried to move on.  I have to continue to function. I cannot let depression get me. I have been physically ill with one thing or another and have come to realize I must share this for there are many women who suffer in silence when this happens. 

This is not something anyone should do alone and in silence. Just because the actuality of the miscarriage has passed does not mean the pain of it has. 

If you haven't tell a woman you know that you care even if you don't understand how she feels. It will matter to her than you care she lost a child. For make no mistake the minute she knew was pregnant there was a child to her. 

I know God is there for me. I just have to remember to turn to him in my time of pain. 




Monday, September 28, 2015

9/28

You know those moments where you just can't seem to get it right in the things that matter. That life is just a mean kid kicking you every chance he gets. I feel that was. Well not really. I am not mad at God but definitely feel attacked but number one bad guy. He sees where I am hurting and weakest and nails me there.  

Life lately has been no bed of roses, more of a flower but not your favorite flower. That perhaps is just indicative of my ability to still see positives as there are many in this mess.  

Followers