Thursday, March 22, 2018

Never Again

I write because I can't explain my emotions. I write because I feel so much. I write because I miss my mom so much. There is an empty place now. It echoes with the silence. I want so much for that silence to only be a nightmare. I want this reality to be false. I am stuck in the silence of my heart where she once stood.

I cannot reach for her anymore. I will never hear her voice speaking to me again. I will only hear a recording. I will never make another video or take another picture. I will never buy another gift for her or get one from her. I will never get another call of Happy Anniversary, Happy Birthday.  I will never get another card from her. My phone will never again ring and say Mom is calling. I will never check my voicemail and find one from her.  I will never again travel anymore and expect to find her at the end of my journey. I will never again see something she likes and buy it for her. Never again, will I read a book and tell her about it. Never again will I call her and tell I did something stupid and have her laugh at me. Never again will I call her in heartbreak and have her tell me it will be okay.

Never again will I hear her say I love you. Never again will I say... I love you Momma to her.

Never again will I feel her arms around me, or patting my face or my head. Never again will I feel the touch of my Momma.


Today I laid on the floor in my room and cried. A soul-wrenching cry.

There is nothing more to be said.

Day 3

I guess I have decided to blog my pain. In a way, this is my journal. This will tell of my journey from a whole person to a broken person and maybe someday a most whole person again.

How do I feel? I feel like the core of me has had a huge chunk ripped out. That there is a center to who I am and that center had a lot of her in it, and that is gone now. Ripped out. That all that pieces of me are shattered and don't know how to be in one piece anymore. I don't know how to be in a world without her. All that is her.

Today I cried all day. There was nothing else for me to do. I did get angry one time. It was about something else, but it made me realize I am angry she is gone. I know there are stages in grief. I also know that this is raw, and painful I cannot bear it. What stage is that?

I miss her. I want to go home, to her house and crawl in her lap. I want her to play with my hair, and pet me the way she did. I want to call her and tell her I had a rotten day. I want to tell her all the things. Now I begin to notice things.. oh I bought that and she never saw that.. It is all about before and after now. Before my momma passed away and after.

I know God has her and me. I know that grief is normal. I also know this hurts like nothing else. I know that will never stop missing my momma. She never stopped missing hers. Now, I understand that. This degree of pain. Such a short stunted word for how I feel. This degree of pain is not something that you ever shake.

I am sure I will learn to live life without her in it. At least tangibly. But right now I don't want to. She was amazing, my momma. I am so blessed that I got to call her Mom. I hurt so bad because of who she was. I can't let that go. I cherished her. I still do.

Oh Momma. I miss you.

Tuesday, March 20, 2018


I haven't posted in a long time. I thought I wouldn't again. But here I am.

I posted about my miscarriage a few years ago, I thought if I lived my pain publicly it would help someone. Perhaps it did. I thought that the pain I felt with that loss was the worse possible. Here I stand corrected.

I lost my father when I was 14. It was the worse day of my life. I have always called it that. I lived through an abusive marriage, and that was bad. Still losing my dad was worse to me in many ways. My life would have been very different if he had lived. I might not have met my love though, and I would not change that...

March 18, 2018, was the worse day of my 44 years of life. It was the worse day of any of my sibling's lives. We all lost our beloved Momma. She went home to be with Jesus. I am glad she is not suffering or in pain anymore. I know she is happy again, she is not hurting or struggling to breathe or hooking up to a machine at night. She can eat whatever she wants, and drink as much water or any other liquid she wants again. She is free. She is free in a way she never was on this earth.

At first, all I felt was pain, now almost 2 days later what I feel is hard to explain. If I don't think about her more than a minute, I feel only numbness. That numbness has an inner core of shattered pain and outer edge of jagged pain. If I can stay in the middle, and not do anything because everything makes me think of her. EVERYTHING. I am ok-ish.

There is nothing like this feeling. I thought I had, had my worse day. I lost Daddy, Grandparents, babies. Nothing compares to this pain. I am numb right now which allows me write. I don't know if it will help or hurt. But, if I don't think too much, and just don't reach out in my mind, and don't let it wander. I can not cry for the minute.

I thought today. Soon I will say I lost my Momma a week ago, a month ago, a year ago, 10 years ago. That thought hurt. I can't explain why. Why did I think it? My mind wandered away. I thought as I went through the store about all the things Mom liked, about the prices she gripped about. I thought about the things I would have told her about my day. Every. one. of. those. thoughts. hurt. They hurt to write about them.

I sit here. Alone. I miss her smile, her laugh, her squealing hearing aid, her sarcastic wit, her sweetness. I miss her love. I just miss everything I can think about her. She was an amazing Mom, and I was blessed with the 44 years I got with her.

But, I was not ready. I am not ready. I want this to all be a bad dream that I will wake up from. I want this to be a lie, that it is not real. I just don't know how to be without her. My life made sense, and now it doesn't anymore. It hurts so badly. It is completely undefinable. I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep. Yet, even in sleep there is no relief, because you forget for a moment when you wake up. Then for one horrible second, you remember. and it hurts afresh.

Please pray for all of us, but especially the four siblings who lost their anchor.

Sunday, February 21, 2016


Waiting is hard. It is also hard having hopes dashed even though you know in your heart that was not the right thing. The hoping ... It's hard too. 

I truly believe Gid will open a door. We just have to pray and lean on his understanding not ours. We must believe!  We must continue to hope, for what is life without hope. 

Please pray with us that Gods timing for a job is soon in our timing.  

In the meantime I focus on the positive. Lovely family times spent with a man and children I adore.  

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

You don't.

Just when you think you have it figured out. 

You don't. 

We were thrown by a loop, a very unexpected loop, when Mr. O was laid off from his job. They said a lot of different things than what actually happened. He took the job without all the information, it would seem.

However, we do hope that Gods plan for us will turn this into an advantage for my sweet husband. Gods plan is bigger than our imagination. 

Friday, January 1, 2016

New Year...reflections and fore-flections

2015 wasn't a great year but it wasn't an awful year. At the time some things were happening they seemed awful but when compared to others they aren't so bad. 

This was a year of stability and hope as well as failure and heartbreak. It was a year filled with love and a year marked by angst and some difficulty. 

God covered us with his hand many times other times things happened and it felt like he wasn't there but we all know that he was still and it could have been much worse than it was. 

Mr. O struggled with finding a stable job. He struggled with finding himself apart from medical school. 

We had stress in our home. We forgot for brief moments that we were in love with each other and not the enemy. We have remember more in last two months. We hope to always remember more. 

We struggled from a heartbreaking miscarriage. One that left my body and mind in shambles. God intervened. My gallbladder was at fault for the mess left behind. 

I experienced my first surgery which was terrifying and needed. I was so scared. God covered me. He sent my momma to help me and my sweet family. 

He brought health physically and mentally to me in the last week like I haven't experienced in years thanks to the removable of a faulty damaged gallbladder. 

I plan on this next year to be healthy in exercise and eating. I plan to cook more, certainly eat more but definitely exercise more. 

It will be a year of decluttering.  The house. My mind. My car. My health. 
It will be a year of hope and dreams for my husband once again. 

It will be a year of learning for all of us. 

May our Father God guide each micro step we take this year, each tiny minuscule thought we have, every brief action we take. May he guide us in every moment of our lives. 

Welcome 2016.